Wandering Dervish

Emotional bankruptcy

2008-12-24T17:52:00.005+05:30

It's hard to believe that in a few weeks time I would have spend one whole year in Sydney. The time I have spent here has changed me in more ways than one. I feel I am a little bit more responsible than I was back home, still have a problem with budgeting though. There is a lot that has happened in the year. I met a few people, had to let go of a few and have learned to cherish a handful.
One thing that I have started to realize of late is that I haven't had a single mind blowing sexual encounter in Sydney. I have met some real nice people but there wern't any fireworks in the bed and I slowly started to grow distant. Yes, I know I am shallow but sex is a very important part of a relationship in my books. I have now seriously begun to wonder if I am off sex which is highly unlikely cause I am always horny but I haven't enjoyed in a real long time now and that is worrisome. Only yesterday I had rabbit sex with a guy I met and thought I had some connection with. The moment he got into bed and started the act he wouldn't stop humping and we weren't even doing it!! He was just happy humping any or every part of my body so much so that I almost had a back ache. As I had invited him over I had to spend the whole night and half of the next day with him and the humping continued non stop even while I was sleeping!!?
But one favourable outcome from all the failed escapades has been that I have started to grow more fond of Aiden. We have now known each other for about 6 months or more and have met many a times but he has never tried anything. Maybe I am just hallucinating and he isn't interested but in case he is then his behaviour is impressive to say the least.
Other than that work is going good, I got the job I wrote about in the last post but had to cancel the trip back home because of that. I am on a break from school now but due to the recession in my personal economy I have to be careful lest I have to apply for bankruptcy. Itz sad that there are tons of sales on and the boxing day mega sales just around the corner and I have no money to shop :-(
Will have to wait for next year I guess and most probably things would be better then :-)

Breaking the routine

2008-11-18T05:03:00.003+05:30

It seems like blogging for me is becoming an once a month affair. So just to break the routine I decided to make a quick post before I hit the D-day. Life has been pretty uneventful except for work and school so there wasn't much to blog about. I met a few guys but there wasn't any spark as such. Things with Aiden are pretty ho hum too. I am kinda finding it difficult to understand what he really wants from me i.e. if he wants anything at all!!

There have been some exciting developments on work front and soon I may be moving to a better position at a pretty good establishment but I am still waiting to hear from them. I have my fingers crossed and you guys too please pray for me ;-)

Other than that I have been finding solace in some great music from Turkey and the Middle East namely Mercan Dede's Su, Azam Ali Elysium for the Brave, Niyaz - Nine Heavens, Gaudi ft Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Shams Ensemble - Penhan Cho Del. Give them a listen they are pretty good albums.

Seems like due to some new developments at work the trip to go back home may have to be delayed. I have mixed reactions to that. I am sad that I am going home late but also excited at the prospects of the new job opportunity coming through (fingers crossed). More updates soon. That's all folks....

Reason, Season, Lifetime

2008-10-21T17:29:00.012+05:30

Picture Credit : littleblackcat

"People come into our life for a reason, season or a lifetime." The unfortunate part is when someone you thought was going to be there for a lifetime decides otherwise. The human heart is strange and works in fashion that is beyond our comprehension. What is even worse is our perception and expectations out of relationships sometime leads to the death of beautiful connection which if allowed to develop more organically would have been something amazing.
I haven't blogged in a while partly because I was busy with school and work and partly because I though that rather than talk to people in cyberspace I should be talking to people closer home. I tried but I guess I am not much of a speaker and fail to express myself. I have been pretty passive of late with the problems or situations I was faced with but I kinda lost my control the other day when I felt all my heartfelt emotions and love was being trampled on I had to cut loose out of a relationship which I had though was the lifetime kinds.
In times like these the person I miss the most and the one I know would be able to comfort me without me having to say anything is Mum. I wish I was home. It is when I am going through drama like this that I am happy to be single.
Talking about being single it seems like things with Aiden are moving to the next level. He is passing on these subtle messages and has been really nice. I have my fingers crossed and am enjoying the butterflies in the tummy moments. Have met some of his friends over the last 2 weeks and now maybe cooking with him for some of his friends. In these dark time it is him and the support of some other friends like Garfield and Calvin that has kept me going. Hopefully I wouldn't be away for long and will keep you posted about any developments or dissapointments on this front in the future.

The beauty of uncertainity is ugly....

2008-09-21T10:26:00.015+05:30

Picture Credit : dasrotkappchen

I can't believe it that its been 1 month since I last posted. I have just not been in my element. It seems like finally when I was getting settled here things have happened that have upset the balance that I tried so hard to achieve. A couple of things happened which in the current perspective seem rather disturbing but I am sure in the long run I would realise that it was all for good. I think it's the whole idea of opening yourself up to something and being honest and upfront only to either be misunderstood or be taken advantage of.
I guess I am not angry at anyone except at myself for not having learned from the past. When I am with someone I am not trying to think too much other than to be vary of not being the reason for anyone's heartache but that either makes me the bitch or the ice princess.
There are some people who may read this entry and think it's targeted to them. Please babes relax it's just me venting things out and getting my does of therapy and anyways I have much more on my plate than just you. I hope you are happy with your decision and that you stick to it. I am going to survive I have seen much worst days.
In a way I seem to be at square one and it is both scary and comforting at the same time. I think I am paying for all the fun I had the past few months and I guess it is a fair price. When those days didn't last these won't too.

Birth, Disease, Death and LOVE

2008-08-21T19:56:00.003+05:30

Picture Credit : RayRay2

These have been the themes in my life in the days that I have been absent from the blogging world. I am not the kinds who would share the bad news first so am going to start with the good news (or maybe on 2nd thoughts it's not). My sister had a baby girl so that makes me a proud uncle of a sweet little niece who I am dying to hold in my arms. But now I am no longer the child of the family. I think I can live with that. I can't be jealous of someone so adorable. I just saw her first pictures - My little princess.

On a completely different note I had a brush with disease. I had a pretty serious bout of flu but couldn't take off from work as it was a very busy week and the kitchen wouldn't have functioned without atleast two of us. So inspite of the bad health I sucked it up and went to work after having been at school all day. It feels like I am paying a price for all those lazy days back home. I miss all the pampering I would have got if I was home with mum.

Today while I was still struggling with the flu and getting ready for work I got a call from Jeremy's mom. It's the house that I used to at as a helper with a boy with cerebral palsy. My friend who had introduced me to the couple and also worked with the boy had a migraine attack and seizure. I couldn't afford to skip work so made a few calls and left for work. But I felt a great sense of guilt because this friend had confessed to having some strong feelings for me. His confession had taken me aback and I had started to keep my distance. I could feel the sadness and desperation in his voice and text in the last few weeks but had tried to keep my resolve and distance. I wondered that if this distance was the reason for stress that lead to the migraine attack. I did see him after work but I am still not over the guilt.

Moving on to the third theme - Death. I have never been able to deal with death. I have never seen a dead body except of my grandfather and it didn't stir any emotions in me cause we weren't close but seeing my mum cry did make me choke on my tears. The same thing happened when I heard about my uncle's death last month. It didn't cause any emotional disturbance except for the remorse for my aunt who I felt would be left all alone in a foreign country. It got me thinking why I don't react too strongly like most people with regards to death. Am I emotionally that numb that I have stopped to feel the pain of loss for myself and for other people? I remember the time my friend's father passed away I kept hiding from him even though we were neighbours. I didn't know what I should say or do when I see him and that is the way its always has been. It doesn't scare me as much as the idea of not feeling any emotions that kinda freaks me out. It reminds me of the character from "Angels in America" (one of my favourite mini series ever) who leaves his boyfriend after his health starts to deteriorate due to AIDS.

Hmm.. and now to the last and the most important theme - LOVE. Well there isn't much to write home about but atlast it seems like there is someone who has caught my attention. Sadly things are complicated as always but I am enjoying the intellectual and mental stimulation that the present company is providing. But sadly it seems like that is all that it's going to be but I am making the most of the moment without thinking too much about the repercussions. if any??!!

The celebration of being Gay

2008-07-24T20:01:00.008+05:30

When I first arrived in Sydney and started to get my bearings right the thing that bothered me and about which I also wrote on the blog was the absence of Indian gay guys and how I felt a minority within a minority. Though I did attend a show called Butterflies in the Mughal Garden performed by a group of South Asian gay men I still felt like the only (Indian) gay in the village. Maybe it's because I don't do the scene. I guess there are a lot of desperate Indians because all I read on profiles on gay dating (or hooking up) sites is "no Asians, no Indians please, no offence". None taken my friend the loss is all yours.
Since then I got involved with life in the big city and got caught up between school, work and sex or should I call it something more civilized like dating. Anyways so when the opportunity came to do something about the situation I couldn't let it go. Garfield told me about Gulmohar- A South Asian film festival that is being held in Petersham, Sydney by Trikone Australia. I guess with all the costumes, dance and music you would think that all Indian movies were gay but that isn't the case. And sadly this isn't like a regular Indian festival like Diwali or Holi with lots of colour, sweets and pomp but nevertheless its pretty exciting and does coincides with the celebration of India's 61st Independence Day on the 15th of August. Sadly enough though India would be celebrating it's Independence day consensual sex between same sex partners is still a crime and gay marriages or civil rights for same sex partners is a very distant dream. This situation forces many gay men and women to migrate to foreign countries because in India they would be forced into heterosexual arranged marriages. I guess the Film festival couldn't come at a better time to illuminate the hypocrisy of 'Modern and Emergent' India.
I know I cannot do much so I am doing my part by promoting it on the blog which I don't think many people read and also by volunteering at the festival. I haven't seen many of the movies either but the one that I would recommend is "My Brother Nikhil". After Maurice it's my 2nd favourite movie on a homosexual theme. It's not your regular Bollywood flick and is a very sensitive and honest portrayal of a young man's struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality and fighting the prejudices against a HIV+ person in a India. In the struggle his pillar of strength is the unconditional love of his sister. A truly heart warming story. If you can please do pass the word along and do visit the website to see if there are any movies that interest you.
Tomorrow is also my first day with Jermy about whom I wrote earlier. I am so looking forward to meeting him again. I hope I am able to handle the responsibility. Its a huge thing for me to be responsible for another human being but I am glad that it is someone as special as Jermy. Will write more about it after the first day.
The other thing that I wanted to write about which has bothered me for a while is Gordon Ramsay. I have no problem with him acting the the way he acts and his foul mouthed personality. Honestly speaking there are worse things on the telly like naked idiots on Big Brother but lets not even go there. The thing that bothers me is how Ramsay has become so fashionable of late while in my opinion he is nothing about food and all about the drama. And if that wasn't enough he is becoming a role model of a kinds for a few of our teachers at school. I agree that the kitchen is a very fast paced and tense environment but being rude and just plain right dick heads just because you are in a position of power isn't going to help anything. And because it is a place which requires perfect co-ordination and team work mutual respect and understanding become all the more vital. So in case you are reading this Mr Ramsay please mend your ways and make life easier for Apprentice Chefs like myself and keep the aggressive behaviour to your bedroom where it does no harm to the world at large.

My Brother Nikhil
Video uploaded by Rajesh Kumar

Leaving footsteps on the sand of time

2008-07-20T19:51:00.005+05:30

Me at Hyams beach. I wish life was always this serene and beautiful!!!

After all the madness in my life for the past few days and the madness in Sydney due to the Pope's visit I decided to leave it all behind and head out of Sydney to get some perspective on things. The trip to Snowy Mts and Jervis Bay did help in rejunevating me and my soul but once back I am faced with the same situations. I think that is my main problem in life. I rather run away from a situation than confront it or talk about it. I have always been someone who hates confrontations and more so with people I love and care for. I am working on that and hope I am able to change it for the better.
I am overwhelmed by the fact how I am blessed to have met some really wonderful people since I have come to Sydney. In the city filled with people who are so involved with themselves its quite a treat to meet some genuinely nice friends, acquaintances or one night stands that develop into much more than just sessions of instant gratification. I have always complained on this blog about how I have met people who have developed feeling for me while I didn't feel that strongly for them but I have never taken a moment to thanks God for blessing me with so much love and the company of some really special people.
To all those wonderful souls that I have met and who have showered so much love and attention on me - "thank you" (you know who you are). I hope I am more appreciative of all that I have got from you and life. I need to count my blessing!!!

The elusive 'love'

2008-07-14T08:25:00.002+05:30

"Love" how would you define the feeling? In this world we use the word so loosely and as an all encompassing description for a plethora of emotions. If you remember the ecstasy and pain of being in 'love' you would know what I am getting to. Love is far too strong an emotion to be experienced so often. I know that I have been in love just once and that it was amazing. There were some good times and memories and then there was this pain which was so bad that I would have rather died then see the next daylight. Since then the feeling has never been that strong. It seems like it all stops at the skin and has never been able to go any deeper. I am not saying that I haven't met anyone after that. I have met some amazing people but I have never been able to get to the point where I have started to 'love' them.
In the past few months I have had a few people profess their love for me and maybe the feeling that they are experiencing is intense and strong enough to be called 'love' but I feel that all the love and tears inside me have become dormant and I don't know if I'd ever be able to feel once again.

....to find the beloved
one must have faith....

I don't know why I am writing this or if it even makes any sense but I just needed to get all this out of my system. And if YOU are reading this blog please know that I am damaged and I don't think I can 'love' again and I hope you find someone who can love you unconditionally and madly because that is what you are worth.

Video Credits : Typecast releasing

This is a movie called Bab Aziz by Nacer Khemir that I have been dying to watch. I have heard the soundtrack and it is amazing. Does anyone know if this movie is available in Australia?

Emotional Palsy

2008-07-12T19:55:00.005+05:30

Picture Credit : Jflaxman

It's been a rather weird the past few days or weeks. I have met a few people I have really liked but not to the extent of 'falling in love' once again. There has been Aidan who is interesting but
I don't know if my excitement about him is just an overreaction or is it a feeling that would stay for long. It has started to seem to me that it is more of an infatuation. We come from completely different worlds and I am not sure if he'd be able to understand where I am coming from in certain situations.
But I wasn't thinking about it all that much until today when I went and saw Jeremy. I don't want to give him a pseudo name for this blog because I just can't. He is a 17 years old boy with cerebral palsy that one of my friends is a caretaker for. The other day I was speaking to my friend and he told me that Jeremy's parents were looking for another caretaker for him for the weekend and he asked me if I would be interested. I decided to pay him a visit and see where it takes me from there.
What I felt is nothing close to what I had imagined I would feel. I didn't feel pity or empathy but I genuinely felt this all encompassing care and love for Jeremy. Everytime he would clinch my hand in his fist I wouldn't want him to let go. I just wanted to sit there and keep stroking is hair or just hold his hand. It made me think how it would be if I wasn't able to express myself and how frustrating it would be if I couldn't show my love to someone I really liked. In front of that all my problems seemed non-existent. I have decided to tell the parents that I am interested and see where it takes me but I know that I felt that I have this love inside me and if anyone I know deserves that care and love then it's Jeremy for the sole reason that I know for sure that he would never take it for granted.

Beacon of Hope

2008-07-07T10:19:00.004+05:30

Picture Credit : Svangeest721

I think by now whosoever reads this blog is used to me not blogging regularly and I should stop apologizing about the same. Finally I have a 2 weeks break from school but there isn't much to do in the vacations.
One of my friends who always opposed my writing this blog because he felt I should be talking to 'real' people has asked me to blog because he feels I am not giving an outlet to my feelings and am keeping it all bottled up inside me. I am trying to blog but it seems like there is a writers block of sorts or maybe I have just got over the whole blog episode of my life.
This weekend I met a rather interesting guy for lunch and all was going well until he started to make a move. I just felt sick and had to stop him and talk to him for a while and then I left. It left a very bad taste in my mouth (not literally you dirty minds).
But that changed for the better the next day when I met Aidan at the Customs House for brunch and then walked through the Aroma Festival at the Rocks. He is quite a gentleman and when the time to say goodbye came I didn't want him to leave. We hugged and there was a kiss on the neck and the hug lasted a tad longer than it should have and it was a nice feeling to be lost in the arms of a guy in a sea of people. I felt a high that I haven't felt in a long time. I think the anticipation is making the wait all the more enjoyable and I am loving it... :-)
The day ended with a visit to Din Tai Fung (which is a new dimsum place in World Square and which was once rated as one of the top 10 restaurants in the world by New York Times) with some friends. I didn't think it was worth all that fame and the 45 mins wait for a table but the company kinda made up for it all.
It finally seems like Sydney could be home for a while and that I am making friends here who may be the reason to keep me here. Lets see if the feeling stays or the bubble breaks.

So you are Brad Pitt.. That don't impressin' me much...

2008-06-22T18:48:00.004+05:30

Picture Credit : Ollowain

This weekend was a rather strange one. I got talking to this guy a few days ago and I am kidding you not he looked exactly like Brad Pitt. We spoke a few times and on saturday night things turned out in such a way that I found me at his place. Well one thing lead to another and the sheets got dirty if you know what I mean. It has been a long time since I have had meaningless sex with a stranger and I realised why I had stopped doing it. One more thing I relaised was that most probably Brad Pitt is be a lousy partner in bed. When the act was over all I wanted to do was get out of the place. I just felt so dirty and yucky and his breath which smelled of Vodka didn't help matters either. Anyways with sunrise I too got my stuff together and left feeling all guilty. But things changed for the better by the arvo.
There is this other guy that I have been in touch on and off for about 3 months now and he intrigues me a lot. After much delay we decided to meet today and it was a rather pleasant meeting. The conversation was interesting and topics discussed got me thinking and I liked that. You know the feeling of the first date when allz so new and innocent and you are trying to understand the other person and stuff. I guess that is one thing thatz good about dating. The butterflies in the tummy syndrome and the rush of endorphins when someone shows interest in you and compliments your looks or something you are wearing and the accidental brush of the hand or the hug that last just a few seconds longer than a 'normal' hug.
The guilt of the night before was washed away and anyways now that I have been down that road I know I don't want to be there again. I guess lesson learned and no regrets...
I don't know what is going to happen with the guy (the 2nd one i.e.) who for the sake of anonymity on this blog would be called Adrian (because he is a furniture designer and so was Adrian in Sex and the City). Adrian is well grounded, on a path of spiritual discovery and overall seems a very nice guy. I don't know what he feels but I guess our paths crossed for a reason and let's see what is in store for the dervish. But I do have a good feeling about this one.

P.S. once again I have been called 'cold' when all I was trying to do was keep my emotions under control lest I end up hurting someone who is very dear to me. But now it doesn't feel that bad anymore. I guess I am going to be misunderstood and that is my destiny... I will learn to live with it. Better be emotionally sterile and cold than be the reason for someones tears. I can hadle hate but tears melt my heart...

The other side!!!

2008-06-06T08:55:00.005+05:30

Picture Credit : Jezebel

There was a time that my day wouldn't feel 'complete' until I had blogged and I was pretty religious about it for about 6 months or so. And now it has been like ages since I posted last. I haven't written about this on the blog before but I suffer from a sort of attention deficit disorder and can't seem to stick to things for long. I was surprised that I blogged for all that time. Of late I have been thinking of calling it wraps and telling you guys that I would be closing down this blog for good but then I am a hoarder and don't like to throw things away. You never know when I may need to come back to blogging again and get advice from anonymous friends from strange lands.

Anyways it poured in Dervish land as bad as it has been pouring is Sydney. Met a few guys and most were promising but no one was pro active and I can never make the first move so the meeting ended with a coffee and lots of talk until I went out to the movies with one and he asked permission to hold hands. At first I burst out laughing but I kinda like guys who take charge. Well long story cut short one thing led to other and the sheets got dirty. The guy (lets call him Daffy) is younger than me (demerits point in my book) and is very genuine and caring. Once again the same thing is happening that happening with Hobbes and me. Being intimate with someone who fits the idea of the prefect man scares me and I make it a point to do things that would scare them away and then when they are gone I am lonely and miserable. Seems like the grass is always green on the other side and I don't appreciate what I have until I have lost it!!! Now that I have intimacy and a nice guy I still want to keep looking just in case prince charming is lurking around the turn at the corner or the street. I am turning into the people I have always despised. But I honestly don't feel for Daffy the way he feels about me and I am scared that if we go on like this I am going to hurt him and that is keeping me from opening up to him and I end up being the bitchy me and I don't like that. I believe in karma and I know what goes around comes around but I am in this dilemma not knowing what to do so I am going to do what I do best. I would act distant and emotionally sterile hoping that would bore Daffy and I could go back to my lonely boring life once again.

The mad night

2008-05-11T12:08:00.004+05:30

Phew what an insane weekend had this been. After having laid low for a while I decided to 'explore' a bit. To start with Garfield and I did the usual dinner followed by a quiet night and then we did the Paddington weekend market the next day followed by a movie at Westfield Bondi Junction. We saw "The Painted Veil" which I loved. A very well made movie with great acting and stunning locales.
In the evening we were to meet a friend of Garfield who wanted to explore Oxford Street. This is the same guy who came out to us on the Mardi Gras Parade day. He's a nice guy but a bit too excited and a bit naive at times. That kinda makes me uncomfortable and to overcome that I end up being a bit bitchy. The sad part is that I feel the guy doesn't get that my bitchiness is harmless and just fun so that makes me even more uncomfortable. In the end we had dinner and I had to call it a night cause I couldn't take it anymore.
While heading back home friend of mine called and asked me to come with her to a straight strip club. I refused but she was persuasive so I gave in. We went to the city and found a parking in a secluded alley near Circular Quay. I had to change my shoes and shirt and while I was doing that there was a drugged old homeless man just next to us talking to himself and the wall. Then suddenly he started to shriek and I almost had my heart in my throat.
We ran away from there to meet up my friend's friend at Town Hall and then went to the 'Gentleman's Club". We walk in and there is straight porn playing on a big projection screen. I felt nauseous and saw the disgusted look on my friends face. We saw that a few guys had come there with their 'girlfriends' and I couldn't get my head around that!!! The performances were nothing to write home about. The first girl was bad and the next was good, talented and amazingly flexible. The only thing that kept going around in my head was what was going on in the girls head when they were stripping or rubbing their bobbies in a strangers face or giving them a lap dance. Where did they come from and where would they end in a few years!! All the thinking and the atmosphere made me even more nauseous.
Luckily the friend's friend is someone I had found to be interesting when I had met him for the 1st time and I did get a gay vibe from him but I ignored it cause I believe my gaydar is broken big time and also because he lives with his girlfriend.
Yesterday my friend told me that her fried has a crush on me. The poor guy was blushing like wow. But it was a nice feeling knowing that someone fancies you. Anyways long story cut short the guy asked me to 'crash' in at his place for the night but I didn't want to be the home breaker once more and so out of my concern for his 'girlfriend' who comes back from India tomorrow I decided to call it a night and came back to my cozy lonely empty bed at 3 in the morning!!!
Now on a completely different note I found this amazing website with the most unusually interesting music downloads. Please understand that I am not promoting music piracy but I would never be able to get my hands on this kinda music on my own so I feel that the website is a a good source. The website is http://welove-music.blogspot.com/
The music collection is simply amazing. The cover art on the top is from one of the albums on the site. I really liked it so thought of sharing it on the blog. Do give it a look....

Second chances...

2008-04-27T18:04:00.003+05:30

I sat there for about an hour after you left. I thought about how I could have ever let you go. I thought about how happy we were I thought about you. and only you. that day, was horrible, but amazing, because I saw you. you're the only reason I wake up anymore.

Picture and Poetry Credits : Tragidystrikes

After the post yesterday and a talk with mum I was a bit down. I was so very looking forward to a movie with an old friend and fellow blogger JB. It was nice to know that one of his friends I once met with over a game of bowling 'thought I was cute'. I was flattered but at the same time I hadn't felt a 'spark' or 'chemistry' so was a bit wary. While talking to JB about many things one thing that came up was 'second chances'. It's only rarely that life gives us second chances and a miracle when both the parties really want to give it a go. I was happy for him.
I was happy but at the same time it amplified the feeing of emptiness that I have been feeling since the past few days. the void of not having that someone special to share all that is happening with. So I thought fuck logic and stop thinking. I decided to meet the friend and see what life has in store. But I am not sure if after the outright dismissal my coming around sounded genuine enough or not. It's funny how I have never been in a relationship with someone I was physically attracted to in the first instance or sight. I have never been with someone who I think would be physically my 'type'. I am sucker for beautiful words and when the other person is eloquent or just plain right romantic I toss the looks, age, or specs out of the window and all that matters is the moment. As it is the guys I have been attracted to physically have all turned out to be real losers (na that's harsh) just the 'bad boys' kind, you know the ones your mum asked you to stay away from.
I don't know if it's the weather or if I am home sick but this felling of darkness and loneliness is becoming all encompassing. The light at th end of the tunnel is that when things get that bad the only way is up but it also means that the drought is over and now its time for the rain and in Dervishland it never rains it pours and that can be one complicated scenario ;-) !!!

BTW the movie i.e 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' so very forgetable. If you have the time and money the movie to watch is 'Paris' staring my favourite Juliette Binoche. Also saw this very nice movie by her on SBS called 'Jet Lag' also staring Jean Reno.

Radars and hunts!!

2008-04-26T16:23:00.006+05:30

Picture credit : Jacktheabyssinian

With too much time on my hands thanks to the vacations and nothing better to do I decided to give some online gay sites a go, you know the kind you'd expect to find someone. I have not been into random hook ups for quite sometime now and was only looking to see what was around. What I saw I wasn't very happy with. Firstly there is a predominance of perfect looking guys with an obsession with going to the gym. Well that rules them out of my list and me out of theirs. Then there are the ones who have the pictures of their private parts in their library as mantels of their 'fertility' or whatever. Once again that doesn't rock my boat. I wouldn't want someone who has it all in the open for the world to see. In my case what is mine is mine is mine and for my eyes only. Once again that is due to some unresolved childhood issues which I would talk about later. And not to be left out are the older generation who seem a bit predatory and though I have a thing for older men I think I put the stop at anyone who is 10 or 14 years older than your truly.
I think with those criteria the only person could date on the website is ME. So my short and unfruitful search ended there and I am planning to say goodbye to the world of online dating or the lack of it on the 1st of May when I am planning to remove my profile from the websites. What happened to meeting the old school way and observing the other person's behaviour in a group of people before you decided to move to the next step. Online it's all about who has the nicest pictures on the profile. It just seems like advertising yourself to being judged by strangers. I think I need to move to the present generation and let go of the ideas of the years gone by. I know it wouldn't be an easy task though.

Dreamer

2008-04-17T07:43:00.007+05:30

After having endured the public transport in Sydney for about 11 weeks and finally getting used to it I decided to get myself a car yesterday. Most people I know were surprised that I lasted this long. Now how I wish the car I got was the one above but it isn't. It's a old Lancer but I am not complaining. I have learned to count my blessings.

The feeling one gets driving down a road listening to a song they love cannot be put in words and I am happy to be able to enjoy it once more thanks to my most adorable and generous parents. The must be the best parents in the world!!!
It seems like I am finally settling into the place with a job, car and the only thing missing is someone to cuddle with during this cold, rainy, lonely Sydney nights. But I am optimistic. This month has been rather good and maybe it is a start of better things to come along. Only if one could find love on a website (like the car) compare specs and even get NRMA to do a check to see if allz gonna work out well!!! Until then I think it's going to be the old school for me of courting and dating. Is that still viable in today's day and age or am I a dreamer.

He would be a nice contender just in case you were wondering what would be my type!!! He'd be nice company on a long drive in the new car!!

Kitchen nightmares

2008-04-15T07:01:00.006+05:30

Picture credit : Closer-to-heaven

I know have been a bad blogger by not updating this blog for a very long time now but I guess I rather blog when there is something worthwhile to write about rather than just blabber away to glory. The last few weeks have been good. I passed my basic certification as a pastry chef and now move to cuisine by the end of this month. A few days ago I went to see an Egyptian movie 'Seventh Heaven' part of the Arab film festival. I thought the movie was to be about Sufism and a Sufi dancer but the synopsis on the website were a bit misleading and disappointing.
Now to the big news. I got my 1st kitchen job in Sydney!!! Before this I have only gone for one interview in India and got selected for the job. But the idea of filling out resumes and job hunting is a bit daunting to me. Luckily I got selected for the 1st interview I went for and I accepted. It's a kitchen hand job at a serviced apartment. The chef is an Indonesian guy and I am just to help him and prep food before it leaves the kitchen. The food is nothing to write home about but atleast most of the ingredients used are usually fresh and the the kitchen is rather clean - no Kitchen nightmares here. I was pretty comfortable with the prep and stuff but the hardest part was cleaning up the kitchen once the service was over. But then that is the way it works. You move up the ladder slowly and steadily. Most people who know me would be betting their money that me being so pampered, spoiled and high maintainance wouldn't last very long but I think I am going to take pleasure in proving them wrong. I think it's time for new beginnings.

My Last Supper

2008-04-04T12:30:00.004+05:30

Translation : Never trust a thin chef!! (I guess that is what most people are going to be saying about me!?!)
Picture Credit : leftonthebed

It seems like I am getting settled in Sydney at last and starting to love it more so after my trip to Melbourne. I have started to form a new family in Australia of new found friends and acquaintances. One thing that I feel bad about is not updating this blog regularly. I feel I am loosing touch with the wonderful relationships I have formed through this medium. I hope I can keep the inspiration to write this blog running.
The next thing on the agenda is to look for a job. The only time that I have worked before this way in India when I worked for Dell. But that would be very different from working in hospitality especially in the kitchen. While Dell was more of mental stress working in the kitchen is more about physical stress and ability to multi task and work in a team. That is what is a bit unnerving to me and also the idea of going around dropping my resume which has no experience or education in the field of hospitality. I have my fingers crossed and am trying to get in touch with my sparse social network in Sydney asking them tips and references about finding a job. The last time I worked my folks thought I would get fed up and leave real soon but the thing is that when I am challenged I go to great lengths to prove my mettle.
Let's see how it works out. I have my fingers crossed and you never know very soon one of you may walk into a restaurant or bakery where yours truly is honing up his skills towards a future that seems like a distant dream at the present.

There is an interesting work by a photographer called Melanie Dunea called My Last Supper in which she asked some famous chefs from all over the world if they had a choice what would be their last meal on earth. I saw it on display at the Crown in Melbourne and thought it was rather interesting. What would be your last meal on earth?? Mine would be chana (chickpeas) and bahture (fried bread) and Kheer (rice and milk pudding) prepared by mum.

Melbourne trip

2008-03-30T12:59:00.004+05:30

There is a lot to be said about the last few days that I spend in Melbourne but I have a rather busy week. Term 1 of my course is about to end and I have exams from tomorrow. I made the trip to Melbourne before I knew about the exams and then my School decided to reschedule the exam from Thursday to Monday and I had to spend the last night in Melbourne studying rather than watching a much anticipated drag show at Greyhound. The week included a visit to the divine Koko Black, a taste of the most amazing wood fired pizza at St Kilda, my first time in a gay bear and leather club called The Laird and catching up with a very dear friend, Hobbes. But now it's back to studying and exam fever after a much desired and enjoyable vacation.

A taste of the Country

2008-03-24T10:38:00.002+05:30

I don't know what the reason is but of late I haven't felt like blogging. Maybe it's because of the blogs that I have bee reading of late and they all seem to me to be very narcissistic and voyeuristic and that had made me wonder if that is what my blogs looks like to the readers. And also I haven’t been motivated enough to write about anything. It’s not like there haven’t been things happening but somehow the motivation seems to have fizzed out.
Anyways I have made some great acquaintances and friends through the blog like Calvin, JB, Mr Hyde, and Garfield and I owe it to the blog to give it a chance and in case I feel the same then maybe say goodbye to this part of my life. I could blog only once in a while but that way the readers wouldn't be expecting me to write and I wouldn’t feel guilty on not having blogged.
This weekend has been about the country and all things country. After having stayed in the city of Sydney and the suburbia for a little over two months I had my first taste of the country (not literally you dirty minds). To begin with I went to see the Royal Easter Show. I though I had seen a bit of country in India when I visited my cousins in the village during the vacations but I was in for a surprise. From seeing pastel coloured pigeons, chickens with afros, really strange cocks (no pun intended), ducks, angora goat and oversized cows. It did hold up to the hype about the country coming to the city.
The next day we took a trip to the Hunter Valley. I really liked the drive and to saw the ‘real’ country with the farmhouses, barns, horses and cows. The first vineyard we visited was Tempus Two and was it impressive or what!! Nothing we saw thereafter could surprise the Helicopter ride, Bentley, Audi and classy tasting room at Tempus. To me it seemed like the ‘Apple’ (as in Steve Jobs) of wines with all the great marketing and hype. Theother two vineyard we wet to were McGuigans and Lindemans which were rather ordinary except for the cheese tasting session at McGuigan. The extended weekend thus was interesting and entertaining thanks to my saviour from boredom Garfield.
This thursday I leave for Melbourne. Lets see if it holds up to the description I have got from people of it being more sophisticated, fashionable and classy than Sydney. I like Sydney so I am biased but lets see if Melbourne can convert me ;-) !!!

Royal Easter Show and Hunter Valley

I miss you mommy...

2008-03-19T13:14:00.003+05:30

Today is the first day that I cried since I have arrived in Sydney. It wasn't that I was sad and stuff. I was just downloading some music and stuff and ended up listening to a song from an Indian movie called 'Taare Zameen Par'. The movie is about a child and how because he is 'different' from the other children he is put in a boarding by his parents. I had heard great reviews about the movie but didn't see it before leaving India because I knew I'd cry bucket loads of tears if I went to the theater to watch it as I'd be able to relate to it at so many levels.
I was put in a boarding school when I was 5 and stayed there for about the next 11 years. It was an experience that I rather not remember because it brings back some really dark memories. I was listening to the song and it gave me goosebumps and tears started to roll down my eyes. I started to feel choked but I didn't turn it off because I wanted to feel the emotion. I feel I am emotionally very sterile so at moments like these I want to live the experience. It makes me feel alive. I would want to translate the lyrics of the song for the non-hindi speaking readers but it would be a bit traumatic for me listening to it again. So I am just going to post the video and maybe translate it sometime later.
P.S. It's strange how a mother's heart knows even when she is far far away. Within five minutes of my so called 'breakdown' Mum called!!! I feel better now!!

Maa from the movie Taare Zameen Par
Video Uploaded by naveenmacs

Back to the future .....

2008-03-15T17:03:00.002+05:30

A very interesting video that I saw on another blog. It's a bit technical but I found it very interesting and a simplistic explanation of the concept thanks to the great use of animation.

Morph
Video Uploaded by Buddesign's

Long live the queen

2008-03-14T12:08:00.005+05:30

Madame Tussaud's Hong Kong
Picture Credit : Me

It's strange how life has it's ups and downs and when you are down it seems things would ever look up and bam it hits you and you are on the top again (no pun intended) :-)
This week started on a not so high point for me. I wrote about how I was feeling low and now as it turns out I feel really blessed and happy. I ended you reconciling with a friend who shall not be named (on his request). He doesn't like my talking about him on the blog. It is such a blessing to have been given a second chance in life because that rarely happens. Things took such a u-turn and now I am going to travel to Melbourne to see him the week after Easter. I also heard from a few friends in India who I hadn't heard from since I came here and I was missing them. Two of them are getting married this year so that was good news in a way and one needs to talk to me and she is someone I was counseling about a toxic relationship that she was in. I know I am no genius as regards relationships but I reckon I can give pretty decent advice when I am not a part of the problem. I guess she too may be on a crossroad of letting go of the relationship and try to meet someone decent and get married and that is what she wanted to talk about. I got her into trouble once because her dickhead boyfriend thought I and she was having an affair. If only I could have told him that is the wrong sex and I swing the other way. But in India that could have been a problem so I didn't, I just wrote an honest mail to the guy and as it is I was leaving work so things worked out for the best I guess.
Now coming to the title of the post. It seems like today was a day of the land of the Queen in my life. I went to book tickets for Melbourne and the guy at the travel agency was an Irish guy who shall be known as Mr O'. He was cute beyond words and just perfect. Beautiful blue eyes, long hair, some body hair and the cutest smile. I found my first crush in Sydney. Now only if I could tell him that!!! But I don't see that happening so I going to let it be a crush. I have his email though and I could send him a mail of appreciation about his work. But that would be so lame because the poor guy wasn't very good at his work. He was perpetually confused and always asking his colleagues for help with everything. He took about an hour and a half to book the flight and print the tickets and in normal circumstances that would have driven me up the wall but all I did was sit there look at him and keep smiling like a teenage girl!!!
After that I went for a haircut and after the debacle I had with my last haircut I decided to go to a new salon pay a lot more but get a decent stylist. As it would turn out I got one who was British and had moved to Sydney from London just about two weeks back. She was really good and knew what she was doing. She was also very chatty just the way I like my hair stylist. I hope she stays put in the salon long cause I really like her and what she did to my hair. It's such a pain finding a stylist you can trust your hair with and having found her I don't wanna look anymore (that sounds so corny)!!! You can blame the endorphins for my strange behaviour today.

Realize by Colbie Caillat (a sweet video to my current fav song, Bubbly by the same artist is very good too)
Video uploaded by jeffcc86

Fix me..... Please!!!

2008-03-12T17:04:00.003+05:30

My favourite dance routine from the Week 16 of SYTYCD. It's is on the song 'Fix you' by Cold Play and the performers are Kate and Graeme. The dance by Vanessa (one of my favourites) and Henry was pretty awesome too but I almost cried when I saw the performance by Kate and Graeme because it was so beautiful and sincere.

Kate and Graeme performing Contemporary dance on 'Fix you' by Coldplay
Video Uploaded by sytycdaustraia

Longing and Lament

2008-03-09T11:12:00.003+05:30

Picture Credit : Orpheas

If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it; that surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.

Yesterday was a strange day. I had one of my famous mood swings and as always rather than talk about it to a person I decided to blog about it. Well as I said in the last post: writing about things on the blog open a door or window of hope for me all the time. After writing the post I got to speak to someone I thought I had to apologize to for my behaviour in the past. I spoke to him (although online) and got things out of my system and hope that with time things would get better between us.
I thought for a while before I send a message on the IM and was happy with the response I got from him. I have decided to stop analyzing everything in my life to the hilt and let things take their course and "go with the flow"!! Though being morally 'upright' (something I picked up from Mr Big) feels nice to begin with but it is a very lonely place and leads to a lot of misunderstandings and pain. I guess at times one needs to be diplomatic and strong and realise that it's impossible to please everybody. Prioritizing is the mantra.
I know al of this is sounds very vague and confusing but that is the place that the dervish is finding himself in this weekend that he has tried to spend by himself holed up in a room in a suburb of Sydney!!!! And to mess up things more I ended up watching Feast of Love on SBS the other night and it brought back some memories I wasn't in the mood of wanting to have deal with.There was a lot I could relate with from the movie. It seems like it never rains but pours in Dervishland. So the wandering continues and I hope that I find my way soon... Yesterday was a strange day. I had one of my famous mood swings and as always rather than talk about it to a person I decided to blog about it. Well as I said in the last post: writing about things on the blog open a door or window of hope for me all the time. After writing the post I got to speak to someone I thought I had to apologize to for my behaviour in the past. I spoke to him (although online) and got things out of my system and hope that with time things would get better between us.
I thought for a while before I send a message on the IM and was happy with the response I got from him. I have decided to stop analyzing everything in my life to the hilt and let things take their course and "go with the flow"!! Though being morally 'upright' (something I picked up from Mr Big) feels nice to begin with but it is a very lonely place and leads to a lot of misunderstandings and pain. I guess at times one needs to be diplomatic and strong and realise that it's impossible to please everybody. Prioritizing is the mantra.
I know al of this is sounds very vague and confusing but that is the place that the dervish is finding himself in this weekend that he has tried to spend by himself holed up in a room in a suburb of Sydney!!!! And to mess up things more I ended up watching Food of Love on SBS the other night and it brought back some memories I wasn't in the mood of wanting to have deal with.There was a lot I could relate with from the movie. It seems like it never rains but pours in Dervishland. So the wandering continues and I hope that I find my way soon...

Oh Romeo where art thou?

2008-03-07T12:31:00.007+05:30

Picture Credit : unsungbeauty

It's been a while since I posted last. The thing is that weekdays are usually busy with school and everything else and there wasn't much to blog about anyways. I still don't have much to blog about but I didn't want to ignore the blog for long so am just going to ramble a bit about random stuff.
With Garfield off on a work trip around Asia I don't have anything planned for the weekend and so with all this time on my hand all I have been doing is sleeping and just thinking. Ever since I have been in Sydney I have been occupied with something or the other and haven't had time to just be by myself until now. To start with I have started to feel lonely and I have started to evaluate the last few months and the people I met and the things I did. I also have started to think how things could have been different if I had acted otherwise in certain situations. I still think that at times I am really confused and idealistic about situations and people and I wonder that with this attitude and my resolve to wait for 'prince charming / Mr right' (call it what you may) am I whiling away my chances at giving some genuine people a go. I feel I set very high and rigid standards for myself and that is one reason I am where I am.
In the past few months I have met quite a few people and I sabotaged some of the chances just because I analyzed the prospects of each to death and not giving fate or destiny a role to play in the game of life. I don't like feeling lonely and at most times I don't but when it hits me it hits me bad. I may seem like such a whiner to some of you but as I have always said the blog works like therapy for me and I have seen that once I get things out of my system and write about them on the blog things start to improve for the better. So I have my fingers crossed while I am writing this post and am hoping for the best. In case something does happen you guys would be the first to know!!! While I am finishing the post the song that is playing on the computer is "It's not too late for love...." by Norah Jones. I guess that could be a sign of things to come in the future. Fingers crossed........ ;-)

On a completely different note this is the performance by Rhys Bobridge and Jemma Armstrong my favourite couple from the show SYTYCD. Rhys is just amazing. I hope these guys stay in the competition and win or else I'd have to stop watching the only Aussie show that I have been following since I arrived.

Jemma and Rhys performing Paso Doble to the song "O Verona" from the movie Romeo and Juliet.
Video Uploaded by SYTYCDaustralia

A picture is worth a thousand words

2008-03-02T14:04:00.004+05:30

There is not much I can say about it so I will let the pictures do the talking. Ladies and gentlemen
presenting my 1st Sydney Mardi Gras Parade 2008. Loved it!!!! (There are quite a few pictures: 67 to be precise so be patient sweeties)

Sorry for the mix up the album also has pictures from the Fair Day celebrations.

The day after the parade I went to the weekend market at The Rocks and kinda liked it though felt it was a bit touristy. That was followed by lunch at Lowenbrau Keller, the food was just ok but I like the ambience at the place especially the medieval kind feel and atmosphere. And then I went shopping at the Graniph store at TGV which has an interesting collection of tees.

A Jihad for Love

2008-02-28T12:33:00.010+05:30

Picture credit : Hetgras

Parvez Sharma the director of A Jihad for Love being interviewed on the tv show The Hour.

Video Uploaded by TheHour

Yesterday was an eventful day after the monotony of the past few days. I met a guy in the city who I got in touch with over the internet. The guy had also done a course in cookery from TAFE the same campus as me but not is French Cuisine. I though that it would be nice to exchange notes with him. But I was taken aback by the meeting. All that this guy did was proclaim his admiration for Indian cuisine and disgust at most western culinary traditions. I thought that it was rather strange that he would do a course in a culinary tradition that he didn't have any interest in. Luckily for me as always Garfield came to my rescue. I took the guys leave in time as I was supposed to meet Garfield and go to see a screening of "A Jihad for Love".
The movie is a documentary about homosexuality in the Islamic world and how people are torn apart because at times they feel that their sexuality is in conflict with the teachings of Islam. I was moved to tears on watching some of the stories in the movie especially on hearing the conversations between mothers and their gay sons. It reminded me of mum and how she has always been there for me and accepted me with an open heart and also the men in my life (especially Mr Big) and how she had showered them with unconditional love. Another theme that resonated with me was how most gay men in order to escape persecution in their country are forced to leave their entire life behind and move to foreign shores hoping that in their new home they would be able to live their life without having to always be on a guard about being outed and bringing 'shame' to the family name or being pressurized to get married by family or relatives. That is one reason that I left India thinking Australia would be different but some of the bubbles have burst since I have arrived here. The saddest part has been to see the discrimination within the gay community in Australia against people from different cultures and how people are trying to put other people in boxes based on their nationality or colour. It is not just a one way thing. Most Aussie would would want to be with Caucasians or Orientals and most Indians or South Asians would want to be in a relationship with someone who comes from the same 'culture' with similar 'values' and 'morals'. It got me thinking about the guy I met yesterday and how in his case along with his taste in food his taste in men too was very 'conservative' and discriminatory.
Another theme that was covered in the movie and was brought up in the Q&A session with the director and producer after the movie ended was how Sufi mysticism is replete with references to divine love between two men and how in Sufi poetry it has been written about so beautifully that it is almost homo-erotic. Case in point being Rumi's poetry inspired by his 'beloved' Shams of Tabriz, Amir Khusro's poetry dedicated to his 'master' Nizamudin Auliya, and the folklore that was covered in the movie about Madho Lal and Shah Hussain.
As has been in my case the first time that I felt pride and not shame on being gay was when I read the poetry of Rumi and with time I realized that there have been great men in the past that have found love in an another man and it was not 'queer' or 'wrong'. With time I discovered the poetry or Amir Khusro and I have written about it in the past on the blog and how it helped me through some rough patches in life and feel comfortable about my sexuality. Hence it was Sufi music and poetry that did for me what gay pride may have done for some other people. In the East gay prides are a distant dream and until then there is this beautiful literature that can provide some much needed comfort and reassurance to the 'queer (i find this word kinda derogatory)'. I once saw a documentary about the celebration of the festival (Urs) at the Dargah in Delhi of Nizamudin Auliya celebrating the marriage (union) of Amir Khusro and his beloved (Nizamuddin Auliya). The whole ceremony was so very beautiful and the entire dargah was cleaned with milk and rose water and then decorated for the occasion. It was followed up with a performance of Sufi music.
Here is an interesting article about Shah Hussain comparing his works to that of Rumi and other Sufi mystics.

To end the post I am quoting some poetry so that you get an idea of what I am talking about:

Mevlana Rumi

I am seeing a moon outside the eye in the eye, which neither eye has seen or ear heard of.
I do not see tongue and soul and heart save without myself, from that moment that I stole a glance at that cheek.
Had Plato seen the loveliness and beauty of that moon, he would have become even madder and more distressed than I.
Eternity is the mirror of the temporal, the temporal the mirror of pre-eternity - in this mirror those two are twisted together like his tresses.
A cloud beyond the sense whose rain is all spirit; sprinkling on the dust of the body - what rains he has rained!
The moonfaced ones of heaven, seeing the picture of his face, have become ashamed before that beauty and scratched the bank of their necks.
Posteternity took the hand of pre-eternity and took it toward the place of that moon: having seen both, it laughed in jealous pride at the two.
About and around his palace what lions there are, roaring jealously, aiming at the blood of the self-sacrificing, adventurous men.
Suddenly the word jumped from my mouth, 'Who is that king? Shams-al-din king of Tabriz'; and at those words my blood surged.

Translated by A.J. Arberry

Amir Khusrau

I am a pagan (worshiper) of love: the creed (of Muslims) I do not need;
Every vein of mine has become (taut like a) wire; the (pagan) girdle I do not need.
Leave from my bedside, you ignorant physician!
The only cure for the patient of love is the sight of his beloved –
other than this no medicine does he need.
If there be no pilot on our ship, let there be none:
We have God in our midst: the pilot we do not need.
The people of the world say that Khusrau worships idols.
So I do, so I do; the people I do not need,
the world I do not need.

Shah Hussain

My wrist in the beloved’s grip,
I cannot ask Him to leave hold.
Dark is the night, the cloud is dripping,
I suffer it for lack of a messenger,
The tyrant has sent a call.
They alone know what is love and longing,
Who have it in their lives.
Like digging a well in dry land,
With no cart to carry away the sand.
Carrying loads everyday,
You will leave at last.
Says Husain, the humble fakir,
Put thy eyes into mine, O love.

(Translated by Sant Singh Sekhon)

Everybody is gonna love today...

2008-02-25T12:47:00.005+05:30

Nothing much has happened over the past few days and hence no new posts. I went to see Jodha Akbar and it was long and boring!!! Anyways with loss of things to post about I thought just to let everyone know that I am alive and kicking I am going to post a picture of the chocolates that I made today. Incidentally we were to just make the ganache today and make the chocolate moulds tomorrow but because we had a lot of time on our hand the chef asked us to make a few chocolates today. We made dark chocolates with a dark chocolate and Cointreau ganache filling, and also a batch with white chocolate and wattleseed ganache filling.
It was a rather tiring process because tempering the chocolate is a rather tricky process and it was so funny that none of the students could get their chocolate out of the mould once they had cooled except your truly. So after sucking at making cookies and bread I was glad that I was at the top of the game for a change. You may just have a chocolatier in making something like Max Brenner. The dervish is happy today!!

Dancing butterflies

2008-02-22T20:54:00.002+05:30

Finally today the myth has been proven right. I am the only gay in the village. After seeing next to none gay Indian guys on Fair Day I thought that when I did go to see the play Butterflies in the Mughal Garden there would be a presence of atleast a good number Indian or South Asian men but once again I felt like a minority within a minority. The theater was small but was filled to capacity and there were only 7 or 8 Indian men in the crowd. Well there was the crew and cast which was predominately Indian or South Asian and that was comforting but nevertheless the crowd a bit disappointing for the lack of Indian brethren.
The play on the other hand was a labour of love. Though not prefect but then who am I to critique. This was the first time I had gone to a theater to see a play. The crew and cast had put in a lot of time, money and effort into the play and it must have been quite a journey for a few to come out in drag and do the song and dance routine in front of all these people. I can't even gather the courage to dance in my bathroom so I am not the right person to criticize or analyze their efforts. The actors were rather good and the ones that I thought did a great job were Kunal, Gary and Raj. At times I did feel that some songs were rather frivolous or put in to give some of the cast their 15 minutes of fame or just to accommodate them but to see the western audience clap after every song and dance routine I understood that most people would have expected that from an Indian play. Karthik I thought was the most convincing in the drag and did a great job at the dance sequence especially Tere Ishq Nacahaya and so did Raj. I am not trying to play down the efforts of the rest of the cast because you could feel the passion of each one of them through their acting. The funniest part of the play was when at the end the only Aussie in the cast Nick tried to dance to a Indian song. I don't know why it is this way but most westerns look rather uncomfortable when doing an Indian dance routine and Nick looked very shy and uncomfortable. Overall the play was great and much better than the Japanese movie that I saw on wednesday except for the fact that the venue was a little difficult to find not just for us but for some other people too.
After the play I had my first Indian meal in Sydney at a Pakistani Restaurant in Newtown. To food was nothing to write home about but it was nice to finally hear all these people speak in hindi and punjabi. I never though I'd be so excited to hear someone say "Shukriya" (thanks in Urdu).
Today I saw a play in a theater for the first time and understood what my friend Gil (an Israeli theater artist and director) had to say. He told me that theater is not about making money or even fame for that you would have to join the movies. It's about doing something you love and you are passionate about and feeling blessed that each day you got to a workplace that you love being in and where each day gives you an opportunitiy to grow emotionally and spiritually. And I guess the direct contact with the audience just adds to all the excitement. Bravo Salaam Namaste (the group behind the play) on trying to introduce the people of Sydney to another side of India!!

Tomorrow I am off to see Garfield and his friend who I think is gay with what I have heard about him. So I am going to try to out him tomorrow for Garfield. And after that we'd be going to see Jodha Akbar which is a 3 hours 40 minutes movie and I am bracing myself for it and hoping that it is entertaining and not a drag (no pun intended).

Jodha Akbar trailer
Video Uploaded by write2nix

The drama called life

2008-02-21T07:21:00.004+05:30

Butterflies in the Mughal Garden

Yesterday night I watched the second movie from the ongoing Mardi Gras film festival. It was a Japanese movie called Hatsu Koi. The movie was a rather interesting experience. The background music at times sounded like music from a porn movies of the 70's and at times the movie did degenerate to a soft porn complete with some over the top bad acting. But in between all the mess the story was good and a lot of issues were touched upon like gay marriages, coming to terms with your sexuality, parents acceptance of a gay partner etc. At times the acting, music and setup was so bad that people ending up laughing at scenes which were rather sad. But I came out of the theater not with a headache but laughing at the weirdness of it all.
After the movie I had my first go at Laotian cuisine and was impressed with the use of fresh ingredients and the varied flavours of the food at Pink Peppercorns on Oxford Street. After dinner I was craving for some ice cream and we ending up bumping into some of the cast from the play we are thinking of attending on the weekend called Butterflies of the Mughal garden being organisied by a group of gay men from South Asia called Salaam Namaste. At last I didn't feel the only gay in the village. Keep you posted on that, hope it's better than Hatsu Koi

The only gay in the village

2008-02-18T13:43:00.006+05:30

The past weekend was one of the busiest I have had since coming to Sydney. On Friday my housemate was having some friends over and he asked me to join them. Just to chip in and because I enjoy cooking I offered to help him prep things up. It was nice to cook and entertain even though I hardly knew the guests. They were an interesting bunch of people and stayed till late so I had a rather late night and some every interesting conversation.
On Saturday I was to meet Garfield in the city and go on my very first shopping escapades in Sydney. It was well worth the wait but as expected I went overboard. For the record I LOVE the Calibre store in the city (not the one on Elizabeth St) and find the staff in the store is very tempting!! After shopping and burning a rather big hole in my pocket we left for Newtown for a kinda forum to share music. The theme was 80's music (which I am not a big fan of) but the event could have still been enjoyable but for a loud and irritating American and her bogan Aussie boyfriend. The woman's laugh, voice and mannerism left me with a headache.
But there was some respite in the form of some more than obvious attention that Garfield and I got from a guy at the bus stop. But neither of us made a move and all that happened was exchanging of glances on the bus ride from Newtown to Central. When we got down the guy waved at Garfield but the idiot didn't get off the bus so it was all in vain. The wave coupled with my cheeky comment about the same scandalized an Indian couple who saw it all. I guess they like Ahmadinejad believe that they're aren't any gays in their country. Well the attention from the cute stranger turned out to the highlight of the day.
While on our way back from Central to Garfield's place we had an interesting experience. We passed by the venue of the Good Vibes festival and while we were waiting at a red light a drunk Aussie bloke walked up to our car opened the front door and started off with his crap about wanting to tell a joke. This is in the middle of the road with traffic whizzing past him and that scared the cab driver who was an old Iranian man. The guy told his bloody joke and moved on to trouble someone else. I thought the whole scene with all the young teenagers resorting to vandalism and rowdy behaviour was a rather sad spectacle. It certainly pushed the cab drivers buttons and he couldn't stop cursing and complaining about the police, government and irresponsible parents and their children all the way home. I must admit the teenagers behaviour was a bit unsettling for me too.
Sunday started on a much better note and the day was rather nice and enjoyable. We went for Fair Day and while on our way bumped into a group of lesbians going to the park one out of whom recently assisted an Indian film unit shooting a movie (Victory starring Harman Baweja and Amrita Arora) based on cricket in Sydney staring a few Aussie cricketers including Bret Lee. Fair day was very refreshing compared to the the rowdiness we witnessed at the Good Vibes festival. It was great to see a lot of children along with their parents at the venue enjoying the festival and also all the pooches there for Doggywood. I could say a lot of things but I would let the pictures do the talking. The only sad part being the almost absence of guys from South Asian community. Garfield and I felt like the only gay in the village; it was funny feeling a minority within a minority but the day in the park was rather enjoyable. I saw Denys but couldn't catch up with him and lost him in the crowd but I did get to meet JB.
After the festival we went to Paramatta to watch "Breakfast with Scot" (part of the Mardi Gras film festival). It was a heart warming and funny movie with quite a few laughs. So after having some great Italian food at Paramatta and chocolate at Max Brenner we called it a night and went home thus having a perfect end to a very enjoyable and eventful weekend. I have a new favourite area in Sydney now and its Newtown for the range of eclectic shops (as opposed to chain stores that one sees all around Sydney) and my first hook up with the guy at the bus stop (well almost) in Sydney.

Valentines Day

2008-02-13T14:53:00.003+05:30

Last year on Valentines I felt things couldn't be any better. I was in Bali with Mr Oz enjoying a great vacation, amazing food and company in a place which is beautiful beyond words. This year I am going to be at home all day long most probably doing nothing much. But I don't feel sad, remorseful or pathetic. The feelings that were trying to get the better of me were put to rest on reading a mail from Archie who was feeling the pain of being in love for the first time and all the expectations that come along with it. Having Valentines just around the corner added fuel to the fire in his case. I remember being in that place and I know I didn't enjoy it in the least. Valentines can be more stressful than anything else. And in between the gifts and flowers the real significance and meaning of the day seems to have been lost. It just seems all so very 'commercial'. Not having ready access to the media and living in the middle of nowhere has been a blessing because that way Valentines is not being rubbed into my face all the time.
Anyways I am happy in the place I am now and doing the things I am and having some amazing friends to keep me company on that journey. Thank you!!!

Chris Botti and Sting - My Funny Valentine
Video Uploaded by - Trumpet384161

Have your cake and eat it too

2008-02-12T11:10:00.000+05:30

Finally things seem to be settling down. There is still a long way to go but I am finally beginning to find my way around Sydney and the suburbia thanks to some great friends. I have started to feel confident in moving around and doing new things. But the thing that was missing was that I was somehow finding my course lacking in creative stimulation. Thankfully today that changed for the better too. The instructor today was a real talented chef who meant business right from the word go. His class was very informative with lots of tips and the thing I loved the most was that when it came to finishing the cake he gave us a lot of leverage to experiment and be creative. By the end each cake in the class looked different. I was pretty happy with mine and therefore I decided to post he picture of the cake on the blog today, the first since the start of the course. I know it's nothing fancy but before judging it please bear in mind that I have never baked before and this is just day 5!! My favourite things about the cake is hazelnut with chocolate (the most amazing combination in my books) and that there isn't much cream that we used except a bit in the glaze and so it also light and healthy. The only thing missing is maybe some cinnamon which I may just sprinkle on the cake later.
I also got my head around Aussie tv channels and found out that some of my favourite shows like Grey's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives have just started with their new season here but the sad part is that while we were stuck on Season 2 or 3 in most cases in India here they are premiering one season ahead and so there is a gap in the story for me. Also with the weird class schedule I am not being able to regularly watch any of the shows except So you think you can dance. My favourite in the top 20 are Sermsah, Rhys, Vanessa and Jemma.

My first sleepover

2008-02-10T12:51:00.000+05:30

After a disastrous Friday I was really looking forward to the weekend and I wasn't disappointed. I decided to meet Garfield (fellow blogger from India living in Sydney) for a movie. We decided to see Lust, Caution by Ang Lee and though it was a late night show we planned to meet earlier in the day and just have a look around the city. To start with we walked around QVB and then finally I did a bit of music shopping which felt so good. We also saw some real nice boutiques around town. I have my list for my first shopping escapade to the city almost ready. I just hope I can resists the temptation for long enough.

We had the most amazingly creative and delicious Thai food at Sailor's Thai at The Rocks. I was impressed by the rather creative and limited menu at the restaurant and also that they had the concept of communal dining -something like a school mess. We saw first hand that it did serve the purpose because there were two old ladies from America seated next to us and they started to talk with us and the other people sitting next to them to inquire about places that a local would recommend to tourists.
The movie too was pretty good and I was glad that my first movie in Sydney was a memorable one. After the movie we decided to take a walk down Oxford Street. I had heard a few unsettling things about some recent incidents on the Street but because I had company I thought it should be safe. I was kinda disappointed by Oxford Street with the hordes of rowdy teenagers and it just seemed a bit sleazy and down trodden to me with comparison to it's surroundings like the CBD and Paddington. We were happy that nothing untoward happened while we were walkiing down the street until a drunk, bald, ugly Kiwi approached us. At first he was just acting weird but then he wanted to go with us for a drink!! He started to ask us if we were gay and blah blah blah. Somehow we got rid of him and by then I had lost the mood to do anything else. But because it was too late and both of us were a bit tired and overwhelmed we decided that as Garfield lived nearby I would crash at his place for the night and go home the next morning.
So finally I had my first sleepover in a few years now and my first in Sydney. I was nice to enjoy the freedom and independence that comes laong with living alone in a new city. Before some of you start to get ideas I should clarify that we acted as proper gentlemen and NOTHING happened!! It was real refreshing to spend time with a guy without any undercurrents and to share such a strong comfort level with a total stranger.
It is strange how everytime that I visit the city it rains!! I know a lot of you may not agree with me but I love Sydney in the rain!! It was beautiful to see the Opera house at dusk. It was quite a Kodak moment and hence the picture .
Once home after a long weekend I started to listen to the music I bought starting with Release the Stars by Rufus Wainwright. I have just heard a few other songs by him like I Eat Dinner (duet with Dido from Bridget Jones 2) and Instant Pleasure but this cd is AMAZING!! The other cds that I have heard today are Shaka Zulu by Ladysmith Black Mambazo (another amazing sound), Eyes Open by Snow Patrol, and the ones next on the list are The Sound of White by Missy Higgins and 9 by Damien Rice. So I have my hands and ears full with music for sometime and I am loving it....

Ladysmith Black Mambazo
Video Uploaded by Dubom

The Year of the Rat

2008-02-08T18:17:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Taziko

The Year of the Rat didn't start on a very good note for me. It was one of those days that you wished you had stayed in bed all day doing nothing. I had to go to the DIAC office but couldn't because I had to wait for a demo visit for an wireless internet connection I was planning to get. The lady came for the demo and at first the wireless modem couldn't get a signal. Later it started to work and I paid for the modem but the new one out of the box didn't get any signal inspite of us trying for a good two hours (WOW all this sounds so pornographic)!!! Anyways I ended up returning the modem and asking for a refund of the money I spend which will take place in a few weeks!!!
Then I went to the mall to get myself a new mobile connection but the staff at 3 asked me to get a statement from my bank with my address. The bank charged me $15 for the page even though I hold a student account with them which is supposed to be without any fees. I got my address corrected with the bank for the third time so that they could send me my debit card for which I have now been waiting for about 20 days!! They first got my street number as 16 then 160 while it is supposed to be 106!!! Commonwealth just lost my respect for that coupled with their increase in interest rate over and above the increase by the central bank!!!
Well after waiting at the bank for 30 minutes I went back to the 3 to get the connection and was told that I couldn't get one because I didn't have a student ID card even though a staff member had told me earlier that could use my my Overseas student health coverage card. I wouldn't get the ID card for another 1 month according to the staff at my institute. I left the store with 2 bad customer experiences in a day and to top it all I decided to have some Thai food at a restaurant in the mall. The food was terrible and the waiting staff was cleaning and sorting basil ad other vegetables in the area where some other customers and I was being served!!! And this wasn't a small little eatery but a proper restaurant in a decent mall!!!
The only saving grace was me getting a new pre-paid number with Vodafone and then I came back home and did what I should have been doing all day anyways - laze around in bed and watch the telly!!!
Enough whining and felling sorry. I hope the new year started on a better note for all of you. To make things better I have planned on meeting a friend in the city tomorrow and amybe go shopping and catch a movie. Wish you all a very happy start to the New Lunar Year the Year of the Rat.

Alone in the city

2008-02-07T13:04:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Lemony-lyme

The first week of school was rather uneventful. I have never been good at baking and therefore was a bit worried about the course. I took the course to fill in the gap before the course in Cuisine that starts in February. I am pleasantly surprised that it wasn't all that difficult till you measured all the ingredients and followed the right technique. It is too early to comment but I feel that Patisserie is a bit more regimented than cuisine and in the early stages I feel that there is little scope for experimentation with reference to the the technique and ingredients. The course started with us making some plain scones and learning a few basic piping skills. Then the next day there were cheese scones and fruit scones and some Madeleines and Financiers/ Friands. The last day it was a Gateau Weekend and Genoise Sponge. The Chefs teaching us are pretty diverse ranging from Australians, Swiss, Italian and French. I am sick of scones and I still have about a dozen or more lying at home that I don't know what to do with. My housemate took some for work but there still a lot left. I thought of introducing myself to the neighbours and taking some scones for each but dropped the idea. It seems like I am going to have a good supply of sweet endings for the next few months.
I heard from a Archie just yesterday and he told me that he found someone he really likes. It was more like love at first sight and that is just so sweet. They have decided to give it a shot at a long term thing. I am really happy for him but at the same time seeing all these couples around me makes me feel a bit 'incomplete'. It's not like I desperately want to be in a relationship but that the same time I am not ruling it out either. I think it's the feeling of being alone and single in a big city without all the friends I had learned to depend on to take me out dark places when I felt that way. The other thing is that I haven't gone out shopping for quite some time now. I know it is a good thing that I learning to control my urges but then again shopping was a sure shot a quick mood enhancer.
I think to fight the blues I am going to go out this weekend for a movie or something else that is going to keep me occupied. As it there are no classes until Monday so I have a lot of time to kill.
But in between all this there was some news that was like an affirmation that I took the right step in moving out. The son of my dad's closets friend who also is the same age as me is to be engaged this month. Now that people that I have grown up with have started to get married the pressure on my family from relatives and friends would have started to build with regards to me getting 'married'. Atleast I don't have to worry about all that and there is no problem that I may face in OZ that comes even close to that mess. It are things like these that makes life seem much less complicated and gives me the strength to carry on.

Jal the Band - Sajni
Video uploaded by J4jumpy

The video is a bit tacky but I love the song and infact most of the new album Boondh by the Pakistani band called Jal.

9 Crimes

2008-02-04T14:17:00.000+05:30

Video Uploaded by Freeketamine

This is the song and the couple that I referred to in the last post. I just love their dance and the song that they are dancing to i.e. 9 crimes by Damien Rice is my current favorite. I remember listening to The Blowers daughters by Damien from the soundtrack of the movie Closer and falling in love with his voice. He surely does have a very interesting and soulful voice.

Back to school

2008-02-03T16:20:00.000+05:30

It rained like WOW today in Sydney. Fortunately I had nothing much to do so all I did was laze around at home. I had lunch out in the balcony enjoying the view of the bush nearby. This is what the view looks like.

The pros and cons of living in the suburbia!!

After doing nothing much all day long I was in the mood to blog a little. So after writing about SYTYCD I decided to post a picture of my uniform and tool kit for the course that starts tomorrow. Here it is for all of you and especially for Mr Hyde!!

I decided to remove the covering on the knives before I took the picture. But the clumsy person that I am (as if stepping in dog poo just yesterday wasn't enough) while putting the covering back on I ended up cutting my finger (the dangers that I go through to write this blog !!! :-)

I ended up asking my housemate for a band aid and now I have a Bart Simpson band aid on my finger!! What a way to start the first day at school. But I am excited about starting the course tomorrow. Baking has never been my forte because I hate to measure when I cook and though that may work for cuisine I think for Patisserie I would need to be a little more accurate. I would keep you posted about the Dervish's adventures in the kitchen. I just hope that I don't end of setting things on fire the very first day. That wouldn't be a very good start to the school year.

Please don't stop the music

2008-02-03T14:20:00.000+05:30

I started watching my first "Australian" TV show today. My housemate doesn't have cable so all we get on TV are a few channels. Today I saw the first episode of "So you think you can dance?" Though I have a mortal fear of dancing I enjoy listening to music and watching dance. I was really impressed with the first couple that was selected (with the 16 years age difference) . They were dancing to an amazing duet!! Does anyone know the song. I love love love the song!!!
And then there was the young teenager (15 years old) who wasn't allowed to compete beacuse you need to be 18 and over. He was so very great and the music to which he danced was very soulful. Once again does anyone know the song??!!

I love the dance at the start of this song from Madonna's The Confessions Tour DVD.

Video Uploaded by Skin1975

Invisible tears

2008-02-02T20:53:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Pyromaniac

I caught up with JB and a few of his friends today for bowling and dinner. It was a very enjoyable evening and for the first time I felt I wasn't doing the regular touristy thing that I have been doing until now in Sydney. Bowling was fun and the conversation after dinner very interesting fluctuating between complete nonsense to rather intellectual and intense topics. I enjoyed myself but as always I couldn't get out of my shell so most times I was smiling and nodding like a bimbo. To top it all I stepped into some dog poo and didn't realise it until I had sat in the car and someone else smelled it. I was embarrassed beyond words. Sorry JB!!
The gang was rather interesting and at most times the conversation was multilingual fluctuating between Hebrew, Spanish, French, English and a bit of Punjabi!!! That left the blonde in me all the more confused and looking like a complete idiot. But I enjoyed the night nevertheless. I also conquered another fear of mine by traveling in the night ride bus from the city to my suburb.
On the bus ride back home I felt sad. I couldn't explain the reason for the same but I felt like crying. Maybe it was seeing the couple friend of JB's and their intimacy and feeling the emptiness in my life. Maybe it was the thought of going back to my dark lonely room or maybe it was just the sad feeling when you are like coming back from a vacation. All through the journey home I was listening to music and there were some song whose lyrics struck a chord and I was on the verge of breaking down. I wish I had cried that way I would have felt lighter. I don't think I am sad in the conventional definition or the word but there is an emptiness I feel.
I think I a loosing it so I am not going to write anymore. I am going to sleep over it and I think I am going to feel better tomorrow and then with a clearer head am I going to write any further. As it is it's almost 3 in the morning and way past my bed time. With classes starting on Monday I would have to get up at about 6 in the morning and so I need to get my sleep schedule in order!!!

The games men play

2008-02-01T18:44:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Rubus65

Today was my second consecutive late night in the city. A friend of mine who helped me finalize the accommodation I am living in called me over to watch a cricket match on the big screen with a few friends at Star City. I hate sports and cricket more so but the friend has been real helpful so I didn't wanna say no. As it is I wasn't doing much at home either so I went over to see him in the city.
It was as I expected. The match was pathetic - India was all out for 75!!! Fortunately for me that meant less hours of torture. A few of my friend's friends bet on the match and all but for one lost - I guess it's not a good idea to mix patriotism and gambling!! But the strange thing was the huge number of Indian guys who were there to watch the match. Sadly they all seemed straight and ugly to me... so overall the worst night out that I have had in the city!!!
But all is not lost I am going to the city again tomorrow to catch up with JB and his friends for bowling and dinner. Though I am suck at the getting the ball to go straight but I am expecting the company would be much more interesting than today!! So tomorrow it's men and balls on my agenda for the evening!!!

1st night out in Sydney

2008-01-31T19:20:00.000+05:30

Today was my 1st night out in Sydney. I have been to the city a few times but mostly I have been home at a decent hour before sunset. I reader of the blog GK and I had planned to meet in the city today in the evening. I being the paranoid person I am left home much too early and hence reached the city about an hour and a half before the decided time. But I am glad that I left early because it gave me sometime just to sit at Circular Quay and observe the world go by. Before this whenever I had been there it was with someone so I had never had a chance to 'feel' the spirit of the place but today I was alone and had lots of time on my hand so I did just that.
Later I met GK and we spend the rest of the evening together. I was surprised at the comfort level we shared and there was a lot to talk about and share. The weather was really nice too (I love the rain) so I enjoyed walking in the rain and seeing Darling Harbour on a rainy night. There was a visit to Hyde Park followed by some coffee and great food at a very interesting place called Chinta Rai. To wrap the perfect evening we ended on a sweet note at the Lindt Cafe.
I had already written about this yesterday but I am beginning to feel really blessed with meeting some really interesting people in Sydney. GK and I had so much to share and there was so much we could relate with reference to the life of a gay guy in India. Though he comes from a much larger city - Mumbai but parents and family are the same all over with the same set of expectations and baggage that comes along with it. And then there was the discussion about relationships past and present and we found that there were a lot of similarities in our experiences and thoughts about a lot of stuff. It does seem like the start of a beautiful friendship. The best part is that he gets my sick sense of humour and laughs at my lame jokes too. Thanks GK!!

Counting my blessings

2008-01-30T16:47:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Karenle

God has a strange sense of humour. Here I was feeing all lonely and sad because I didn't have anyone to talk to and spend time in Sydney and now all of a sudden things have started to change for the best. I went to collect my time table for the course today and made friends with an Indian girl in my group. We ended up spending a lot of time together looking for a apartment for her and the later went to a shopping mall and shared a meal. It was a relief to finally have someone I knew at the culinary institute.
I also received a mail from a blog reader AK who is an Indian settled in Sydney and we plan to meet tomorrow in the city. I am looking forward to catching up with him! And later in the week I plan to go and meet JB in the city!! Things have started to look up already and here I was thinking in the morning that with classes starting on Monday I would be bored sitting at home over the next few days.
I also realized that I have been lucky than most overseas students (especially Indian) who have a tough time when they reach Oz with finding an accommodation and working out other logistics. I guess I had forgotten to count my blessings!! Fortunately up until now most things have just fallen into place and once I get the money to buy the car I guess I would be pretty much settled. There would still be a lot to discover and there may be some ugly surprises on the way but I guess it would all be a great learning experience.
Ohh I forgot to mention that in between all the happenings of the day I got a call from the ohh so adorable Mr Hyde and that surely did brighten up my day. Thanks for being the caring sweetheart that you are Mr Hyde. And thank you all those people (JB, Mr OZ and AK) who have welcomed me to Sydney and into your lives. I am so very blessed to have met people like you!!

Orientation

2008-01-29T12:12:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Evolutionsky

Today was the first day of my course at the Culinary School!! I got up at 7 for the orientation which was to begin at 9 but reached my campus just about in time. There was a lot of paper work to be filled and then introduction of the staff. The students are predominantly Oriental but there were a few from from other places too. The first person I was sitting next to was a girl from Thailand and then later it was a Aussie girl of Turkish origin. Not many good looking guys though!!! I am happy that finally the course has started and tomorrow we would get the time table and be divided into groups. It's all so exciting going back to studying!!!
Of late I have been having this urge to visit dating or hook up sites like gaydar and orkut. I made fake profiles on both scanned through a few profiles and had a good laugh. I didn't act on the impulse though and chickened out at the last moment. Though I have met most of my ex through the internet this time around I would want to meet someone in person and do things the normal way!! I do feel lonely in Sydney and after a very long time I feel the need to be with someone. But then the golden rule is that you never find someone when you are looking for love so I guess I would have to pretend I am not interested.
The other thing that is keeping me occupied is visiting sites selling used cars. I am still waiting for money to be send to me from India so that I could buy a car. Today in the morning I was dripping with sweat by the time I reached my class and it felt yucky. When I reached back home from college I was in such a bad shape that had to hit the shower right away.
I wish I could skip the settling in part but I guess that t would form an integral part of the whole process of moving to a new country. My head chef for the first few months is this really sweet French man with a real cute accent. He would pronounce students as studients!! The staff is very diverse and it does seem like the next few months are going to be quite a roller coaster ride!!

Bad hair day

2008-01-27T16:08:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Fealasy

I have got the worst haircut ever!!! When I was leaving India I went to my regular hairdresser and told him that this would be my last haircut with him so he should try to make it special. He decided to cut my hair short - something I haven't done in many years. The style looked ok but I was finding it hard to style as I hate using product in my hair. Anyways with the start to the course around the corner I decided to get another haircut and went to the nearest shopping center. The hairdresser was a young Chinese girl and I wasn't able to get my point across to her and she wasn't able to get through to me. I should have taken that as a sign but stupid me I continued with the haircut and now with my new haircut I look deranged. Combine that with the disgusting uniform and I am sure to be caught and put in an mental asylum.
Hair signifies vanity and that is one reason that in Hinduism monks and students of religious scriptures were asked to shave their heads. I guess with my hair all gone I would be less vain and that is a good thing!!!! So now less vain and a lot more ugly I see my chances of finding love in Sydney dwindling every minute. But then again it just hair it would grow back soon and until then I could concentrate on my studies and evading the mental asylum staff looking to put me away.
But the good part is that in a land of strangers I can be whosoever I want to be. Nobody know me and so no one cares if I look demented. I guess this tells me for sure that I should go back to the hairstyle I love and the one I have had for so many years.

Walk this way!!

2008-01-26T12:18:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Packgrad2k1

The past few days have been quite a roller coaster ride. I have had so much to discover and there is still so much that doesn't make sense. One good thing is that I have been kept occupied by meeting friends. For the last two days Mr Oz was in Sydney and it was really nice catching up with him. Ever since I had arrived in Sydney if anyone asked me what my plans were with regards to my love life my answer was that I would want to go with the flow and that love wasn't high on the priority and as of now all I wanted to concentrate on was studies and my career. But that most strange thing happened the other night. Mr Oz and I had retired for the day after a busy evening and I had this rather disturbing nightmare. I woke up real scared and nervous but to find someone there on the other of the bed was comforting. I think that had made me evaluate the priority list. Studies are still important but it would be nice to find someone I can cuddle with at the end of a tiring day. I have never been the one night stand kind and I have heard a few stories about how difficult it is to find love in Sydney but I have my fingers crossed!!
One thing that is taking sometime to get used to is all the walking. The nearest station from my place is a 20 minutes walk (there is a bus stop that is about 2 minutes walk) and to get to the station I have to twice walk through paths which are surrounded by some trees with a lot of undergrowth filled with creepy crawl things. One thing that scares me the most in this world is all things that creep and crawl so walking through the undergrowth is quite a task for the me. I have started to loose some serious weight (not that could afford to loose any) and develop some decent calf muscles!! So the first thing on my mind is to be able to buy a car that could take me from point A to B so that I could save all the time I would be wasting walking and waiting for buses and trains. But being broke already I don't know when that is going to happen. Hopefully soon enough.....!!!

Sydney Harbour

2008-01-25T16:56:00.001+05:30

Mr Oz has been in town since yesterday and I have spent my entire time catching up with him. Yesterday was spend going to the local shopping mall and stuff. In the evening I cooked him an Indian meal (well sort of) it was chickpeas and instead of puri or nan we had bread. We had decided to visit Taronga zoo today but couldn't get out of the house in time so decided to walk around the city instead. I went to the same places I have visited over the past few days but this time around I was inspired to take some picture while I was there. With Australia Day around the corner and it being a Friday there was a lot of things happening there. I felt more comfortable at all the places this time around and I think that is the reason I could let it all in. I was great walking around Darling Harbour and finishing the evening with a rather nice wood fired Pizza at the Harbour. Sydney has started to grow on me!!!

The life of a broke student

2008-01-23T16:35:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Milenita

Today was a rather hectic day. I woke up much earlier than I had been for the past few days and in the afternoon went to pick up my uniform and kit for the course from a shop on Georges St. I was so engrossed in listening to music on the ipod that I missed my station and had to get off at the next and catch a train ride back to the earlier station. I hate the uniform!! It's checkered pants, white chef coat and blue buttons which is alright but the cloth feels so very cheap and the fitting is BAD. I also had to buy special footwear and once again the shoes available were rather ugly. Nevertheless I got all the stuff needed and headed back home.
It was a warm day and I had a lot of stuff to carry home and walk from the station to the room. I was dead tired and sweating like a pig when I reached home but there was no time to rest so I prepared a quick lunch and it was only after that I rested for a while.
Tomorrow I will be meeting Mr OZ who is coming over from Cairns to Sydney to welcome me to his country. I thought that was rather sweet on his part and it will also give us a chance to clear some air over the differences we had in the past. Hope from here it leads to the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
It is tough getting used to the life of a broke student. I was speaking to mum today and we were having a laugh over how I have started to look at price on the groceries I am buying and how I am trying so hard to budget my shopping. How I walk instead of taking the bus and how I haven't shopped for any clothes since the 17th. That must be a record of some kinds in m books!! I guess it will take sometime. As of now money seems to be flowing out of my hand like water. I guess finally it is time for me to grow up be more responsible in matters relating to money. I also think will have to start working much before what I had planned earlier if I need to get over these panic attacks which happen everytime I spend money and withdraw some more from the bank.

Broke - Mentor Kolektiv
Uploaded by Mentorbeats

I am HAPPY!!

2008-01-22T17:36:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Danoz

Finally I am starting to love Sydney and the place I am in life. Until now nothing was registering and it all seemed like a very long dream. I was finding a part of what I was seeing in Sydney disappointing and a part of it very scary. Scary because I didn't know my way around and because so much was alien. Even after seeing the Harbour Bridge and Opera House yesterday I didn't feel I was 'here'. Something seemed missing or incomplete and then today I got my act together and decided to go to the city and collect my uniform for the course. Sadly I didn't time it well and reached the shop exactly at 5 and the shop had already closed for the day (it's strange but most shops close by 5 in Sydney as compared to 8 or 9 in India). I then went looking for fellow blogger JB's work place as we had decided to meet at 5:30. I found the place rather easily and while waiting for JB I saw some rather interesting people on the street. An old man wearing a cowboy hat and carrying a teddy on his arm like a pirate with a parrot, people wearing rather strange clothes or footwear and I was loving it all.
It was talking to JB that finally made me realize how blessed I was to be where I was and having had such supportive parents who despite not being on the same page as me with regards to my career choice helped me follow my passion in life. JB and I spoke about a lot of stuff while enjoying a warm Sydney day at Darling Harbour over some great food at the Lindt Cafe. It was after the long chat with JB while on my way home during the metro ride that I finally felt 'happy' for the first time since I arrived have arrived in Sydney. I felt that I had made the right choice and though things may be different than what I had expected they are nevertheless a great learning experience that would lead to my growth both emotional and spiritual. Suddenly I started to like the architecture of the houses that I was crossing while looking out of the window.
When I came back home I spoke to my parents (with my dad for the first time since my arrival) and I am sure they could feel the happiness in my voice. Later I had a long chat with Mr Oz and I am sure he too would have felt that I was happy. I ended the day confirming what I had felt all day long when I prepared the best meal I have made since I arrived. That is a sure shot indication that things are looking up as I can cook well and creatively only when I am happy.
I know that there would be times I would feel home sick and would even doubt my decision to move to Sydney but I am happy that I have started to feel I belong here and that this is what I had wanted. I know that life in India is much easier with access to all kind of luxuries but that comes along with me having to pretend to be someone I am not and I couldn't imagine living like that the rest of my life. There may be learning curve to life in Sydney but I have opened myself up to learn.
Thanks JB you were a catalyst to a lot of this and I am so glad that we met today!!!

The lowdown

2008-01-22T09:17:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Adsy

21ST January 2008

It's 5 in the morning and I have been awake since 2. It's not that I am jet lagged but because I slept all afternoon and until about 8 in the evening yesterday. It was torturous waiting for the connecting flight to Sydney at the Singapore airport. To while away time I went to the Apple store and bought a Second Skin for the Macbook, had lunch and also went for a 'Cultural tour' of the city. I was chatting up with a friend while waiting for the boarding time when I realized that I could find the wallet with my passport and currency etc. After some insane moments of running to the cafe and lunch place I found I had left it at the Apple store.
The flight was relatively uneventful. The seats and entertainment console in the economy class of the A380 was an upgrade over a regular flight and so it was kinda worth the wait.
Fortunately my roommate was at the airport to pick me up. We came home and after I had taken a quick shower he took me Coles - the supermarket. In India the supermarket and chain stores idea is relatively new and I as a creature of habit have been going to a local store I knew my way around and always bought veggies and fruits from the local farmers market. Coles to me was like a maze. I had't even bought the veggies and my roommate was already done with his shopping so I hurriedly picked up whatever I found and we headed back home.
Once home I made myself a salad and my roommate and I got talking. We discussed a lot of stuff and I came out to my roommate - well he asked me if I was and I said yes. He took it well and told me that the neighbors downstairs are a gay couple.
After lunch I spoke to Mr OZ, Mr Hyde, and texted JB. It was nice being welcomed by them to Sydney and things didn't feel all that alien. I slept all afternoon and have been sleeping and eating ever since. I guess today I'd go for a walk around the place to get my bearings right if the weather permits so. I was welcomed to Sydney by a bright sunny day but by the evening it had started to rain and didn't stop all night. It was in a way reflective of my state of mind. I was excited when I landed but soon a part of me was missing things back home but still no tears!!

22nd January 2008

Having woken up rather early I started to feel sleepy around 6 and slept until 11 in the morning. My only motivation to wake up was that an acquaintance that have in Sydney was supposed to come see me. He came around 1 and we walked to the Macquarie Shopping Center. I had a lot of stuff to buy and also had to get my bank account activated. We ended up buying a ton of stuff but all of it was rather necessary and the only thing I splurged on was buying a speaker dock for the iPod because I was missing listening to music. A well spend $279.
We had such a lot of stuff that we had to hire a taxi home. Once home we dumped everything in the room and left for the city. We went to the Harbour and the Opera House. I had my first experience at riding the Sydney metro and I walked more than what I would have walked in about 3 months at home. But overall a very productive and interesting day.

The last goodbye

2008-01-19T04:55:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Azimpuch

I remember reading on JB's blog how every other place is so far from Australia. I am experiencing that first hand for myself. I started the journey yesterday at 10:00 am from my place and at this moment I am waiting for my connecting flight to Sydney at Singapore airport. My desire to fly by the A380 doesn't seem very sensible at the moment because it's still 12 hours until my boarding time (I could have booked an earlier flight too I think). I have been at the lounge since 3:00 am and thankfully caught a 2 hours nap. Now after the shower is done and with nothing more to do I thought I'd update the blog.
The last goodbye wasn't very pleasant. My parents had come to the airport to drop me and Mum was putting up a very brave face all the time. We had never been to this airport before and it's a really small one so we didn't even realize it when we reached the point beyond which visitors weren't allowed. The porter was running ahead with the luggage and in all the commotion I couldn't even say a proper goodbye to mum. She hugged me and broke down. I was feeling rather sad too but then I looked at dad and he had tears rolling down his cheeks. I have never seen my father crying so it was rather overwhelming but I am glad that I remained composed. To tell you the truth it still hadn't hit me that I was leaving. It was only much later waiting in the lounge that I realized that what it all meant but I still haven't cried.
I was put in a boarding school when I was in kindergarten so I am used to living away from the family and so was the family I thought but I guess that in their old age mum and dad had got used to having me around. Also the distance must be a concern to them but I guess once they visit me they would realize that it isn't so.
By this time tomorrow I would be in Sydney and hopefully my new roommate would be there at the airport to pick me up. And then is when it would all start. A new country, a new city, new room, new friends and most importantly a new life with new dreams. I hope it is an enriching experience. I have my fingers crossed!!

The journey begins

2008-01-18T01:13:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : HelloGo

The journey finally starts. It would be long before I sleep in my bed again, kiss mum goodnight, see some of my very best friends or have a meal cooked by mum. It is finally begun to hit me and I am sad, happy, excited, nervous, panicky, scared and nostalgic at the same time. The next time I blog it would either be from Singapore airport or Sydney.
I met a lot of my friends today and it was heartwarming to see the glint of sadness in their eyes when we said goodbye. Most of them were genuinely happy for me that I would be living my dream and following my passion of becoming a chef. Some of them were more excited about it that me and it was all a little overwhelming. There was a crying session at home and mum broke down while we were having lunch. Dad is trying to be his usual strong self but I can see the sadness in his eyes. I have tried to be strong but while writing this post my eyes are starting to well up so I am not going to write anymore just going to try to sleep now because the next two nights I would be either sleeping on a plane or at an airport - not very comfy.

Confession

2008-01-17T01:18:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Tatongtorres

It was an interesting day today. After lazing around all morning and spending most of the day with mum I decided to go for an indulgence overdose to the salon. Got a hair cut that was drastically different to the one I had before and the usual pampering session. After it all met Archie and we spend some time together at a cafe followed by dinner. It was great talking to him and opening up with him about a lot of stuff that I haven't spoken to anyone in a long time. It was confession time and also a shrink session rolled into one. I felt much lighter and calm after speaking to him. We talked about a lot of stuff from past relationships to our present state and the prospects about the future. It was nice talking to someone who is so uncomplicated and doesn't believe in playing the usual games. I felt like with Archie you get what you see. We both felt saddened by the fact that we met so close to the date of my leaving the country. It would have been nice to have seen where this chemistry would have finally taken us but I guess there is a whole lifetime to discover that and maybe our paths would cross in the future.

As it turns out the past few weeks have led to quite a few changes in my life. I met a lot of gay guys far more than I have met during the 26 years that I spend in the city. I also seemed to have opened up a little and started to move out of the shell I had been in all these years, There has been a lot of emotional upheaval leading to some maturity both emotional and spiritual and that has helped me understand that I still have to discover a lot about what I expect from life in general and my relationships in particular. I also got my ear pierced and after a very long time got my hair cut relatively short. I feel it is an indication of the changes that are to come my way on my adventure to the land down under. Soon the dervish would be talking about his wanderings in Sydney and the suburbs. Hope to share it with you all!!!

Karma is a bitch

2008-01-16T12:25:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Renaisancexx

I was speaking to someone yesterday and it dawned on me that in my case Karma doesn't take much time to play it course. I was thinking about all the relationships I have been in and it seems like it is a cycle where I treat my partner a certain way and then my next partner has treated me exactly the same way. The hunter in one case became the hunted in the other. I guess that it was a lesson for me to be careful with the way I treat people because what I send into the universe is exactly what I am getting back.
The latest example is of Hobbes and Jughead. After meeting Jughead and taking a fancy to him I started to spend much more time with him and in the process distance myself from Hobbes and at times I even think I was rude with my behaviour towards him. The same is happening with Jughead and now but the tables have turned. I don't blame Jughead I guess it's just Karma and as it is his life is really complicated with his own set of problems and maybe his behaviour stems from them. But to make amends I would want to apologize to Hobbes whom I haven't spoken to since he deleted me from his friends list on a social networking site. I even thought about writing him a email or calling him before I left the country and atleast let him know that I was sorry but then I think that would be selfish on my part and once again I would be doing something that may upset Hobbes' peace of mind.
So I thought the best thing would be to write on the bog because as far as I know Hobbes occasionally reads the blog and if he does read this post he'd know what I really wanted to say. The rest is destiny and if I am destined to meet him in the future and make amends then that is what will happen and maybe that is meant to happen on foreign shores.

Apologize - One Republic (not the one featuring Timbaland)
Video Uploaded by Plattino

Heartache

2008-01-15T00:44:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Rosarot

Today was a rather interesting day. I started with getting a temporary mobile number for Sydney also getting some Indian currency exchanged into Australian dollars. During the day I spoke to a few friends and it seemed like I was playing agony aunt today counseling everyone. It was ironic because my life is in such a lot of mess and here I was counseling other people. I guess looking at things from a third person's perspective is always easy. It seems like all my friends are going through a tough time in life. One wants to move on with her life but feels that she may end up hurting her boyfriend with whom she is a long distance relationship. I suggested that either she gets some sot of commitment from her boyfriend or there is no point trying to hold on to a relationship that already seems doomed.
Another friend is contemplating divorce from her gay husband but is worried about the future of her children. There too I suggested that if she is independent and out of a toxic relationship she would be in a much better position to look after the welfare of her children. Then there was another friend who has got out of a long relationship due to his parents not approving of his girlfriend and has been engaged to a girl chosen by his family. Today after a long time his ex called and that kinda upset his balance. I was trying to just cheer him up because in this situation I had nothing to say. I hope my cynicism and recent unfortunate brush with relationships hasn't influenced my suggestions and hope it works out for the best for all or them. I believe that love mostly leads to lots of pains and tears but it takes a rather brave person to open his heart after he has been hurt once. I am a coward in that respect but hope to change that this year. Enough of playing it safe I guess I have to let go of my guard and give 'love' another shot!!

On a completely separate note I went to the movies today. A friend and I went to see National Treasure - Book of Secrets. Nothing great but nevertheless kept me interested. But the high point of the day was listening to Charkha the new music album by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan the nephew of legendary Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan. His music would surely make his uncle proud. Beautiful songs about love, separation, heartache and unconditional love done justice by Rahat's soulful and poignant rendition.

Tere Bina - Rahat Fateh Ali Khan
Song Uploaded by Terameradil

Baggage and Nostalgia

2008-01-13T22:59:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Undercadence

At last I have a place to stay at once I arrive in Sydney. The apartment in Marsfield that I was trying to rent has finally come through and that's one stressful situation taken care of. In the past few days I have met up with a few friends and caught up with them. it's strange how I never realized that my going away was affecting them to that extent. It's flattering and disturbing at the same time. I feel like I am leaving behind a part of me!! I am not complaining just a little nostalgic thinking about the days gone by.
I don't have many good friends but the few that I have I value a lot and it has taken years to develop the relationship and get it to this level of understanding and intimacy. My fag hag called today and she was like now that you'd go away who would I talk to when I want to get your opinion or just bitch about things. I got me thinking and a little pensive.
I still haven't been able to get all my stuff packed while adhering to the baggage allowance limit. I have tried to pack the bare neccities and I am still 7 kgs over the limit. I hope I am able to do something about it too!!!

The person behind the mask

2008-01-10T23:37:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Knowing-naivety

Today's fortune: You are sociable and entertaining

I met Archie (the guy I referred to in the last post) for coffee today in the evening. I was a little apprehensive about the meeting before I went but I was pleasantly surprised. We shared a great comfort level and spoke about a lot of stuff. In fact I had such a great time that we ended up having dinner together and it was all rather nice. During the conversation Archie remarked that it would have been so great if we had met earlier and not so close to my date of leaving for Sydney. I agree with him it would have been great to have a friend like him to hang around with but Gos has a strange sense of humour!!
One thing that I realized after meeting Archie was that of late I have been wrong with forming an opinion about most people I have met. That was a part of the conversation as to how I am not a very good judge of people's character and how take a lot of people and things at face value. I think that is one thing I have to work upon. I have realized how certain decisions I have made have led me to situations where I have had to bear the not so pleasant consequences of the decisions. But I think they form a part of the learning curve and makes me the person I am. I have also realized how some people are just so open that you can read them like a book and while other are behind layers of masks that need to be removed one by one and then you may not necessarily like the person behind the mask.
It was interesting to see things from Archie's perspective. He is young and just experiencing that gay scene. He has a girlfriend because he wouldn't want his colleagues and peers to know about his sexual orientation but at the same time he knows beyond a shadow of doubt that he's gay. I found that a bit odd but then who I am to judge I have a few skeletons of my own inside my 'closet'!! In a conservative society like India it is difficult to be open about one's sexuality not for the fear of the repercussions it would have for you but the influence it could have on your family.
So I guess we all have to find own setup to be true to ourself and at the same time not be a cause of undue embarrassment to our family. I think that is the reason a lot of gay people in India who can afford to, move to foreign countries because that makes things much less complicated.

Mixed Signals

2008-01-10T11:57:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : SuiGenerisXL

I have written about this before but I am going to have to repeat myself. It seems like everytime I find myself stuck in a situation and I write about it on this log things start to look up. There is some progress on the accommodation front and I am optimistic. Yesterday started on a good note with me calling up someone who had advertised for a room and he does seem like a really nice person. He has even agreed to pick me up from the airport when I reach Sydney. I just hope he isn't a serial killer or a rapist because then I would end up on some secluded road from the airport to the city with my throat slit open.

I have asked someone I know in Sydney to go have a look at the place and in case it's good give the person an advance to reserve the room. The room is in Marsfield and so isn't very far from my institute and that a major plus. I hope my acquaintance in Sydney does his part or else I would be back to square one and in a lot of stress.

I also called Mr Hyde who regularly leaves comments on the blog. It was kinda interesting to put a voice to his face and words. I am not a very people's person but with some people I just hit it from the very first conversation and that is how it was with Mr Hyde. He made a very interesting observation that when he started to read the blog he had an idea that I was a very shy person and an introvert who didn't socialize much and of late I have started to socialize quite a lot meeting many new people. That is exactly how things were in the past and are at the present. I have met many an interesting people in the last month and the irony of the situation is that I am leaving soon and therefore most of this friendships wouldn't get enough time to blossom into something beautiful. Anyways everything happens for a good reason and I am happy to have met all these people.

Today I'd be going to meet this person I met on the New Year's bash. He seemed like a nice person and as we both weren't on the dance floor like everyone else so we did get sometime to make some interesting conversation albeit shouting at the top of our lungs because of the loud music. I spoke to him yesterday to make a plan for today and I got a feel that he was looking for more that just a meeting. I think I made myself very clear that my intentions were very honourable and that there were no string attached to the meeting. He proposed us 'hanging out' at his room to which I politely refused. I hope I didn't make the wrong decision by calling him and am I sending mixed signals!!??

Hope it's all pleasant, I'l keep you guys posted about whatever happens ;-)

Update - All booked

2008-01-09T12:24:00.000+05:30

Well as it works out my reservation for Wake Up didn't come through.
"Unfortunately we are booked out for those dates. Please try Sydney Central YHA - www.yha.com.au
Feel free to contact me if you have any further enquiries."

So I am back to square one looking for a place to stay at when I reach Sydney. I tried the Sydney Central YHA and also the Railway Square and no luck as yet. All booked. I guess it is all for a good reason and I am oping to find something in time before I leave on the 18th. I have a pre-departure session with the agent who helped me with the visa process and maybe he can help me with something. Somehow all this was really irritating me yesterday but today I find it all amusing. The joys of traveling!!!

Random acts of kindness

2008-01-08T22:30:00.003+05:30

Picture Credit : Ribcages

The last post may have sounded really depressing and dark but those were the feelings I was fighting while writing those words. I hadn't even finished posting the entry and I heard from a friend who in a way forced me out of my bed and I went over to see him. I am glad I did and that in a way brought more clarity and changed my mood for the better. We talked about a lot of stuff and drove around the town for a while. I think that is what I needed; to get out of the house and meet someone nice. Thanks Calvin!!
Somehow everytime I am in a bad situation writing about it on the blog somehow magically makes things better. I had some wonderful and sincere comments to the last post from the ever so sweet Mr Hyde, the ohh so brave Sy, and the passionate Firehorse. I was worried about letting go of my safety net and taking a leap of faith but the random acts of kindness and generosity by complete strangers seem to have given me the strength to do so and carry on. Hope to meet up with all of you when I am on the same continent as you and many more wonderful people like you!!

Wake up

2008-01-08T15:50:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : HisHalfElf

I have finally given up on trying to find a place to share in Sydney while I am in India and am going to book a hostel like Wake Up instead as recommended by fellow blogger Sy. This whole process of finding a room has been very cumbersome and is giving me sleepless night and so I decided to take an alternative route instead.
Other than apartment hunting nothing much has happened in the past few days. I met a few friends to say my final goodbyes. I am back to being all alone and lonely and very soon in a foreign country without friends and family. It leaves me with a blank piece of paper to start life anew. I though that I had a few acquaintances in Sydney but I guess it was just s fleeing moment of hope and now I am back to exploring things all by myself. In a strange way I find the current position I am in somewhat comforting. I have traveled alone earlier and it gives me this sense of freedom and I like to explore things on my own and in the process meeting new people and forming new friendships and relationships.
Another thing that I have observed is that I am more comfortable having straight friends especially fag hags. Most of the friendships that I recently formed with people who are gay have either turned sour or just become stagnant. Maybe I am to blme but that kinda thing is not so common with my straight friends.
Well all this just maybe because of the weird state of mind I am in and now I am going to sign off before I bore you with anymore of my senseless ramblings!!

Am I dying?

2008-01-06T16:10:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : 2Dark

Day before yesterday I was about to retire to bed and I was brushing my teeth and flossing when I noticed on the inside of my cheek 2 moles. I had read a few months ago how certain moles can be early symptoms of cancer and that had me worried. I went online and did a bit of research to discover that it was true. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep a wink. My mind was working overtime and I was imagining how things would change if it indeed was oral cancer!! If I begin to write about all that went on in my head would have you rolling on the floor. Unable to sleep I went online once again and this time saw some pictures of what malignant melanoma looks like and that kinda subdued my emotions for a while.
Yesterday was a rather busy day and I had no time of thinking about cancer or anything else. I spoke to mum about it casually and we laughed about it though I was still doubtful. And then last night while I was brushing I noticed that the mole was washed away with the mouthwash. It was a blood clot formed by my bleeding gum. So I kinda briefly examined my past, present and future with respect to me being diagnosed with a fatal diseases that wasn't. Now I can look back on all of it and smile!!

Today was spent catching up with friends and telling them that I am leaving on the 18th. The ball was set rolling when a friend who had once interviewed me for a radio show rang me up. SK had discovered me thorough this blog and we had spoken a few times and today he called to wish me a belated birthday and luck for the fast approaching adventurous journey. We spoke a little about other things like what he does for a living. Which was rather interesting and something he is passionate about. It gives me hope to continue on the path that would lead me closer to me following my passion in life.

Later I spoke to a few more friends saying my goodbyes and catching up with them and in the process of it all realizing how important this step of my life is what all would I be leaving behind once I board the plane on the 18th. By the end of it I hope it is all worth it and I am looking forward to face all that is going to be coming my way soon....

Gotan Project

2008-01-05T00:47:00.000+05:30

The first time I ever heard Gotan Project was the tango song in the movie Shall We Dance. Ever since I have heard some of their music and have never been disappointed. While looking for a video to post on the blog I came across this amazing video featured an equally great song.

Gotan Project : Diferente
Video Uploaded by Chokedamp

Someone great is gone

2008-01-04T17:35:00.000+05:30

I just love this video and the song!!! Hope you guys like it too...

Someone great - LCD Soundsystem
Video Uploaded by 0ndal

Pierced

2008-01-03T19:58:00.000+05:30

The Dervish pierced and camouflaged (well almost)!

The shopping continues and now I am starting to get worried. I have started the year with spending a lot of money and I hope that this is not an indicator of the year to come because at this rate I and my family would be broke very soon. The day went of rather smoothly with just 2 incidents worth sharing on the blog.
I had to pick up a deodorant for myself and I didn't go to my usual shop and went to another one instead and they didn't have the one that I was looking for so I ended up testing and buying Burberry Weekend. I had applied some on my skin to see how it reacts while I looked around the store. It was only after I had bought the fragrance that I realized it was familiar because someone I had met recently used it too. A fragrance surely does bring back a lot of memories!!
The other thing that I did was get my ear pierced. I had wanted to get my ear pierced and get a tattoo for a long time but hadn't done because firstly my dad didn't approve of it and secondly because I used to chicken out at the last moment. Today too I was skeptical but my mum pushed me into it. She is such a sweetheart, she also bought me a my first diamond stud. I was scared of getting pierced because the jeweler had a man who used a very thin silver wire to pierce the ear and then roll it around the ear like a ear ring. I would need to wear it for a few days and then he would remove it and put the stud. I thought it would hurt like WOW and that my ear would bleed but nothing of that sort happened. It was just a quick prick and nothing after that. I just have to be a little careful for the next few days and keep a check lest I contact an infection.
Overall a very productive day....

Let the games begin

2008-01-02T22:51:00.001+05:30

Finally today I began shopping for the stuff I needed to buy before I left for Sydney. The list of the things to do had kept on getting longer and I was getting panicky. I am quite a shopaholic and anyone who knows me would vouch for it. I had to try to maintain a clear head and buy everything I may have an impulse of buying before I left India so that I could try to live on a students budget while in Sydney. I bought the bare necessities like undies, suitcase, bag, toiletries etc. The only things that I bought which weren't a part of the shopping list are the belt and the two pashmina shawls (that I plan to wear as scarfs). But half way through the shopping I ran out of money so had to return home.
There are still somethings left to buy but I am glad that I have made a start. I know that the list is not gonna end until I board the plane and that I would also need to strike a balance between the things I wanna take and the baggage allowance by the airlines. Hope I am able to keep things under control. I still have no place to dump all this junk into when I reach Sydney. Have had no luck with finding a place to stay :-( and now I am starting to get worried.

Make a wish

2008-01-02T00:38:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Carterr

I had some problem with internet connection and couldn't post anything on the blog for the past few days. The last post was written offline on the 30th and posted today after the net started to work. A lot of things have improved for the people in question and seems like the new year started on a good note for them with the promise of some new beginnings on the horizon.

First things first it's also my birthday today i.e 1st January but by the time I post this entry it's going to be the 2nd. I haven't had the best of the birthdays for the past few years and at most times birthday and the idea of it used to stress me out. This year was pleasantly different and leaves me optimistic about the year to come on foreign shores with much to discover!! The good part of having your birthday on New Years Day is that most people remember it and it's always nice to hear from people you haven't spoken to in ages. At the same times it is more than obvious when you know some people remember but choose not to call.

Anyways I have no regrets as the day went off without a glitch. I spent most of the 31st traveling as I had to visit someone in another city and by the time I reached home it was 6 in the evening and I was very tired. I had retired to bed thinking of calling it a night but got a call from Jughead and decided to go out to a club for a while. It was a rather sensible decision. Though I don't dance and am mortified at the idea of hitting the dance floor but the night was rather enjoyable. Jughead and his friend danced away to glory while another friend of his equally mortified by dancing gave me company in shaking a leg or two in a corner and some interesting conversation flowed along with vodka and tequila shots. By the end of it all everyone seemed to have enjoyed and found means to entertain themselves with either the music, dance, liquor, or the eye candy on the dance floor especially a group of guys who were most probably Indians visiting from England. One could make that out from their clothes, hair and the ohh so nice accent.

In the morning I went to the Gurudwara (Sikh place of worship) with a friend and spent the evening with another friend ending the day by balancing the act and going out for dinner with my family. Overall a very pleasant day without any untoward incidents and a awesome way to start the year. I am keeping my fingers crossed but I have an intuition that this year is going to be an important one in more ways that one. I surely would keep you all posted with the adventures of the Dervish in the land Down Under and elsewhere wherever he wanders to during the course of his quest!!

Relationships

2008-01-01T18:34:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Xenosagian

The year seems to be coming to an end with it share of sad break ups and maybe new beginnings on the horizon. It is all very personal and I don't know if I should be writing about it but this blog has helped me get a lot of things out of my system and I hope it helps me with this too.

For all those among us who thought that gay relationships were complicated, case in point my recent mess with Jughead and Hobbes, straight ones come with their own share of complications far more grave in their nature and extent.

My very close friend O has been married to a gay guy for more than a decade now and has two kids from the marriage but things have taken a rather ugly turn in the recent past and finally she has decided that she cannot be in the marriage only for the sake of her children having a 'happy and normal' upbringing and that she needs to get out of it. She has gathered the courage and spoken to her parents about it and maybe separating soon. I feel happy for her and hope that she is able to start her life all over again from the scratch and that the divorce is not all that messy for her and especially for the kids.

Another person who is very close to me is going through a rough phase in her marriage. Though she married the person she thought she 'loved' but it turned out that life was not 'happily ever after' and that her past kept haunting her in the shape of her ex who she still had a soft corner for. After being caught cheating on her husband once they both decided to forgive an forget and move on but things just never got on to a start. She once again found companionship in a work colleague and was confronted by her husband when he the colleague in a jealous fit started to email the husband about it all. To complicate things further she is pregnant but her husband now doubts if it is actually his child and wants it aborted. My heart goes out to her but then she finds her all alone in the situation where she would have to face the demons of the consequences of her decisions.

I have already written about how my best friend V had to let go off of his girlfriend of 4 years because his parents didn't approve of her and now the heartbroken lad is engaged to be married to another girl he doesn't even know. Well that is how marriages happen in India. They are usually arranged by parents and family members but it seems to have worked because India has a very low divorce rate which could also be due to lack of financial independence amongst Indian women until recently and also due to societal norms and bigotry.

Well that is a lot of depressing stories to end the year or start the new year with but I hope that all of these stories have a happy ending. As someone once said, "Our endings are all the same; It's how you get there that makes the difference."

Kitchen Confidential

2007-12-29T15:01:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Centaur101

I have been spending the last few days doing nothing much other than reading Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain the host of No Reservations on Travel Channel. In a few weeks time I would be starting my journey into the world of Chefdom and it's scary reading his accounts of the dark world of restaurant kitchens and what goes on behind the kitchen doors. There are some insightful tips on what not to eat on what days on your night out and the reasons for the same. But the part that really interests me is when he talks about food and food preparation. He is really funny at times and down right crude at others but an interesting read nevertheless.
There are a few videos of Bourdain on youtube eating some rather nasty stuff including the beating heart of a Cobra washed down with it's bile and blood but I decided to post something much more civil.

Interview with Anthony Bourdain
Uploaded by Stick Bus

Forbidden fruit

2007-12-27T23:04:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Dylan Ricci (He is an amazing photographer from Australia and his website is worth a visit)

Today's Fortune : 'The greatest pleasure in life is in doing what people say you cannot do."

This got me thinking that the current situation I find myself in is a result of me deciding to not to listen to what people around me have been telling me I cannot or should not do. Now these aren't random people but people that matter to me and to whom I matter. My dad has been wanting me not to move to Oz and under no circumstances pursue the course I have decided to undertake. A few of my friends created quite a scene about it too and surprisingly so did one of my ex. I have been very adamant and stead fast in my decision inspite of the innumerable delays and difficulties along the way. Is it the case of the forbidden fruit!!?

Even the thing with Jughead was not all that complicated. I did like him but like always I may not have done anything about it but once Hobbes told me he was out of bounds because he was Hobbes' ex I think it got me all obsessive about the whole thing. The more time we spend the more I started to like him that is until his mood swings ofcourse and since then things have started to stagnate or go down hill at times. I still do like spending time with him but the initial fire seems to have turned into just a spark now. Or maybe it's not any of that and maybe I am just a nymphomaniac like I had always believed I was but had started to question in the recent past.

I believe that life is a constant journey and though I had started to believe that my spiritual and emotional growth had got me to a place in life where I had figured out a lot of things I wanted from life but as it turns out to I haven't!! I ended up surprising and dissapointing myself at the same time.

In the end all that is left to say is that you don't know the worth of a thing until you have lost it and then it's too late but through it all you do learn some important life lessons that shape your future and that is my only solace...

Instant Pleasure

2007-12-27T12:45:00.000+05:30

Postcard from Mr Hyde that he posted from his vacation in New Zealand

It has been quite a paradoxical start to the morning today. I knew that the last post was bound to get some harsh reactions but I had to get it out of my system and that is just what I did. To start with I woke up and like everyday went online to check my mail and stuff. There is a social networking website that I have a profile on, though I don't like the idea and don't use it much. The only people I have met through the website are some class mates from school. I fail to understand that when I wasn't even on talking terms with them in school why would I want to be in their 'friend's list'!!? I am not being a prude but all through school I was always trying to blend into the background and now I don't understand why should I be in their 'friend's list' just so that the could boast of the highest number of people in their list. Anyways during one of my mood swings I deleted all those people from my list and all that was left there were 6 people I genuinely wanted to stay in touch with. One of them was Hobbes. I presume he read the last post and as a reaction to it deleted me from his list!!! Wow is that another facet of technology that we rather just 'delete' someone than have a meaningful in person conversation leading to a proper understanding or closure. Well I didn't know what to do and I don't want to say or do anything in the heat of the moment and so I a going to keep my reaction to the situation under check. It's like when Carrie was dumped by the guy on a post it!!!
And in between all this I received a postcard from Mr Hyde that he send from his vacation in New Zealand. In this day and age when everything is fast and instant from food, communication and gratification its nice to see that some people still believe in the old world charm of postcards and taking things slow giving them ample time to mature and age.

Instant Pleasure : Rufus Wainwright
Video Uploaded by Zetoast

I am not all that innocent

2007-12-26T23:31:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : BaddogLtd

I met Jughead in the evening. I wasn't happy with the way I was feeling on not hearing from him due to his 'mood swings'. The thing is that I in a way had started to fancy Jughead and relate to his openness and perpetual confused and horny state. I suppose that sharing the same birthday is bound to make way for some similarities between our nature and tastes. The first thing that Hobbes told me when we met me was that I reminded him of Jughead, physically that is.
I thought that when I meet him I'd try to keep my guard up and act all distant and aloof but that didn't work for long. He is a very warm person and it's hard not to get all cozy and comfortable with him. So I thought of doing the next best thing..... demean the whole thing with sex. We were driving around town when we started to fool around and then we came home and there was a bit of teasing and some dirty talk and the expected climax. Don't get e wrong he's great in the bed department and gets me really turned on and horny which is not an easy task. In between it all he also introduced me to the music of Sian Zahoor.
This is strange but having sex with someone does one of the two things for me : either I start to fall for the person or I start to loose 'respect' for the other person and the relationship becomes much less complicated emotionally that is. Like in the case of Hobbes all that intimate moments had started to get to me and I had to hallucinate and imagine stuff I knew hasn't feasible. With Jughead the dirty talk does just that make everything much more sexual and less emotional. He is a dirty talker and I kinda find it discomforting to say the least but that doesn't come in the way of things.
The other thing about Jughead is that he is into Anal sex big time and that is about what his idea of sex and intimacy revolves around and for me to be so up close and personal with someone I need a lot more that just fancy him. So at most times he is all horny and sexed up but it all ends with something that is not all that satisfactory to his sexual senses and to make up for it only one of us climaxed tonight. But that didn't help either . It send him on a guilt trip and he felt it wasn't a mutual 'happy ending'.
I don't know if it's a wise thing to be so explicit on the blog because I know a few people who read this blog in person and maybe they find a little too much. I guess they need to update the ideas they have about me... I am not all that innocent ;-)

Sain Zahoor

2007-12-26T23:10:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit www.julioetchart.com

Well you would read more abut how I stumbled upon this awesome Sufi singer Sain Zahoor (Winner of Best voice of the year 2006 in the BBC world Music Awards) in the next post. But I heard his music on youtube and was pleasantly surprised. I guess to appreciate it more I would want to hear his CD and wait to immerse myself in the experience. Though he lives just across the border and sings in the language I speak at home yet his music is inaccessible to me. It's strange how there are borders not just across land but also borders that selfishly divide our culture and people with imaginary lines or barbed fences...

Sain Zahoor - Allah Hu
Video uploaded by Sarsh4h

Countdown

2007-12-25T13:10:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Kate1212

Yesterday night I went for a wedding reception. If you haven't been to a Punjabi wedding you would never know what it's like. It's loud everyone is high for some strange reason, just one big mess!! I have never been comfortable with attending weddings I find it quite an ordeal to sit through one. I would rather slip out after the first 10 minutes. Well anyways I survived!!
It's going to be very busy now for the next few weeks. There are all the holidays and then my birthday. Once I get over with that it would almost be time for me to leave for Sydney. Finally it seems like the countdown to the D day has started and there is still so much to do before I leave. I still have not been able to find a place to live in once I arrive and I haven't been able to get my head around what to pack and what to leave behind.
One thing I would surely want to leave behind is the tons of emotional baggage that I have been carrying around all this time. I also would want to rediscover myself and try to wash off all the conditioning of the years gone by. I still feel I wear my heart on m sleeve and that once I have been hurt I find it very hard to give people a second chance. I just build these walls around my heart on the first instance of someone failing my 'tests'. I think it's because of me having given one chance too many to the last person who broke my heart into a zillion pieces. Since him I have met some really nice people but the moment I start to see a reflection of 'that person' in them I start to act distant. Well I hope this realization would help me make some much needed resolution for the year to come and open myself to new experiences and new people.

Sigur Ros

2007-12-24T14:57:00.000+05:30

While browsing through channels on the telly today I stumbled on this song by an Icelandic band called Sigur Ros. The only other singer from Iceland that I have ever heard is Bjork. There is something very intriguing and meditative about this particular song. Hope to hear your reactions about the same.

Sigur Ros - Von
Video Uploaded by Mmilne82

Mery Christmas

2007-12-24T11:04:00.000+05:30

Baby it's Cold Outside
Video uploaded by StephenTVG

Love in the time of Cholera

2007-12-23T12:39:00.000+05:30

I was browsing through some videos when I came across one of the movie Love in the time of Cholera. I just finished reading the book a few weeks ago and by the looks of the trailer and the star cast it does seem to be something to watch out for. I would want to see how the director has recreated the beautiful imagery painted by the words of Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Video Uploaded by TimotionDigital

Emotions

2007-12-22T22:51:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Picciu

I have spend the entire day today doing nothing much other than trying to configure the new Macbook. In a way it was good because it kept my mind off everything else happening around me. I wanted to give both Jughead and Hobbes some time and space so that all we could all look at things from another perspective.
The last few times I spoke to Jughead it seemed like that there was something that was bothering him and if that is truly the case I don't want to desert him but at the same time I have asked him a few times and he has decided to keep his cards close to his chest and all I am doing is respecting his privacy.
Hobbes has been the complete opposite. Inspite of my not so graceful behavior in the past few days he has always taken the initiative to keep in touch and meet. Even when we meet he observes that I am trying to act distant but he's always been at his best behavior. I don't like the place I am in and I want things to be back to normal and my way of going about it is to let fate take it's course.
It's strange how life was pretty ordinary and routine before all these people came into my life and now that they are here it's all complicated and stressful. Why can't relationships be easy? When we are lonely we are looking to find someone to share the special moments with and when they do come into our life the come with their own baggage and complexities and at times we are not in the frame of mind to understand the other person and the easiest way is to just walk away.
I am trying to walk away but these acquaintances of a few days are proving to be a tough call. I thought I was pretty much in control of my emotions but the last few days have proved that there is a lot of work to be done in this regards.

Boys like toys

2007-12-22T14:22:00.000+05:30

This is my first post using my new Macbook. It's a early birthday present from Mum and Dad. I have been playing around with it since the morning and am trying to get a hang of things. There is still a lot to do like transfer my music and pictures etc from the old laptop to the new one and also to see what software I would need to download from the internet.

Well more about that and about some other stuff in a while as of now I am too excited about the Mac to write much.

Lonely together

2007-12-20T21:42:00.001+05:30

Picture Credit : Jinnwoo

I love this guy's (Jinnwoo) photography and his comment to this picture more than the picture itself. This is what he writes:
stop tricking me with your body. Stop lying with it and cursing with it. Don't win me over with your body. Although I'm deaf to their voice and the things they told you, i'm blind to the way you crease and curve under my fingers now.
Why are you here anyway? don't tell me your feet lead the way by memory before you found a will to tell them no, because you'd forgotten a thousand times before - the way to my house, the way to be with me, the way to my bed. Are you lonely? Does he not treat you good enough? does he not know your body like i did or has he just caught the catch too many times that it highlights your naivety and your lack of controll in the presents of the naked male form? Maybe i will tell him you stopped by, and he'll ask me why and i'll say "we were just being lonely...together." would he like that? would that make him angry, like a real man?
you sit in my lap and you say "roll over", so what? i roll over, i play dead, you walk out and we begin again? the game is so sweet but takes so long and you bore me. When your bodies lost it's tircks and its tickles what will seduce me then? When my bordom for your giggle spreads like disease and our bed is built for sleeping in, what will seduce me then? your caring nature for all living things? I ask sarcastically - the memories and the poems you stole? no
baby we are nothing, we are bodies, we are shells without insides and noises without happy ears, and a moral without a guilt. Don't you come by here, i think this should be the last time we are lonely, together. don't you think?

According to a social networking site my fortune cookie says, "Find release from your cares, have a good time."
Now if only that was as easy as it sounds. After many days of action and stress finally today was rather inconsequential and mundane. I wanted to get out of dark place I was in but at the same time I didn't want to take an initiative to call on somebody. The safest bet was to go visit my straight friend and just be numbed by his non stop blabber. Well that didn't happen. At last when I could not wait for the phone to ring anymore I decided to take some much needed action. You all would know how it's to wait for the phone to ring not because you'd want it to (maybe you do) but because it has kinda become a habit to hear a familiar voice but at the same time you are like, "What the hell are you thinking and why do you want to complicate things once again."
At last I decided to go out and I met Hobbes. It was nice catching up over a cup of coffee and his non stop enthusiasm kept me upbeat but somehow I was much quieter than I normally am and I didn't like the way I was behaving and so I decided to drop him home rather than ruin his evening too with my gloominess.
I went out to the market for a while but nothing seemed to entertain me and I decided to come back home. I was almost home when Jughead called and I decided to go see him expecting that his company would cheer my spirits. It was the most uncomfortable time that we have spend together. He was strangely reserved and quiet and I prodded a bit but he didn't divulge any reasons for his behavior and so after a short drive I left him home too.
And now here I am doing the only thing that I know helps me get things out of my system. Blogging about it all makes me feel that somehow I would gain some clarity on it all and face the situation in a more responsible manner. It seems like the last post was an indication of things to come. I once again feel lonely.. not sad though.. just a bit off balance... need to get back to the routine.

The lonely juggler

2007-12-20T11:32:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Moryah

I know I haven't been devoting as much time as I have in the past to the blog. It's just that firstly I am bloody busy nowadays and secondly there is not much to write about. Well I am lying, there is a lot to write about but I don't know where to start. Things between Hobbes and Jughead are at a all time low and I don't like being caught up in between of it all. Every time I spend time with one it makes me feel guilty about not seeing the other. I guess I am not the juggling kind. It's not that I want it all as some of you may think. I have very different relationships with both Hobbes and Jughead and I wish I was able to tell both of them what the other meant to me.
With Hobbes our conversations are more general as one would have with a gay friend revolving around us and his experiences in Melbourne and occasionally about past relationships and heartbreaks. He is always very happy go lucky kinds and very very melodramatic and bollywoodish in a good way though. I enjoy it all and it's nice to be in touch with the Y generation. Jughead and I come from almost the same social and cultural milieu and family background and hence our conversations revolve around families and the ironical fate of a gay guy in a Punjabi family. The comfort level that Jughead shares with me when he discusses his family makes me wanna share my stories with him too and that is what make the relationship what it is.
In between all this I also caught up with Mr Oz online and we had a long conversation. Things seemed to have settled down with him about the end of our relationship and he seemed much more accepting and open in his conversation. I felt bad that after our last conversation he went through a bad bout of depression to which he has always been very susceptible. He seems to have recovered from that as of now.
I have so many people all around me who I can share time with but I somehow feel very lonely and misunderstood. At times I feel I am turning into the very person I hate the most. I have started to see in my behavior some strains of the things I hated in Mr Big and that wants me to just get up and run away from all this to someplace where I could figure it all out for myself and maybe that gives all people concerned the time to patch up things amicably.

6 degrees

2007-12-17T12:29:00.000+05:30

I didn't realize that it's been long since I last posted. I think it's all the drama in my life that is keeping me from doing anything else. Anyways I am not complaining I am kinda happy that I am busy and that has kept my mind of all things including the fast approaching date of my leaving the country I was born in to head to foreign shores with new people and new experiences.
The one question that everyone would ask me when I told them that I was moving to Oz for study was if I knew someone there. I obviously 'knew' all the people from Sydney who read this blog and that was it. I wanted to start my life from scratch in a place where I could be who so ever I wanted to be.
But life is strange. I met a local reader through this blog and through him caught up with an old acquaintance and finally ended up meeting Jughead (he is studying in Sydney too). So now I have one point of contact in Sydney and I guess I'll let the 6 degrees of separation theory to take care of things from there.
A lot still needs to be put in place before I leave for Oz. There is some paperwork with the bank and I have to say goodbye to my friends. Though there are just a few but I am not looking forward to it. I hate goodbyes!!!
The apartment hunting hasn't yielded any results as of now and I am dreading the prospect of moving into a house which though very near to my institute is shared by a few other students. I have been in boarding for about the first 10 years of my life and so it's not like I am alien to sharing my personal space with other people but I guess it's been long since I have had to do it and I would prefer something more 'private'.
A few weeks from now I'd be 26. That's another b'day and another stressful day. It doesn't help that it's also New Years the same day and I believe that the way my day shapes up is going to be an indication of the year to come.

My current favourite song by Mika - Lollipop
Video Credit : Bexx1984

Postcard

2007-12-13T13:11:00.000+05:30

A postcard from Mr Hyde from his vacation

I spoke to Hobbes last night and told him that I was thinking of giving it a shot with Jughead. I wanted to know how would he feel about it all and he was very candid in his reply. He said that he'd feel the same way I'd feel if he went out with an ex of mine. I kinda got his point and as of now I have decided to put some limits with regards to my friendship with both of them. Pashing and cuddling are out of the window and usual friends stuff like hanging out watching movies or over a cup of coffee are going to be the order of the day. I am still confused. Is it all that bad to date you friend's ex. Does that make me a nymphomaniac heartless bitch!??

Anyways in the middle of all these complication and the bad case of cold that I have suffering for the past few days there was something that cheered me up. I got a postcard from Mr Hyde that he send me while he was vacationing. Isn't that just so sweet to find someone so genuinely nice and caring in this day and age. His partner is a lucky man.

Well enough wining I am going to see Jughead later today and see how he takes it all. I hope it all cool by the end of it.

Bridget Jones Syndrome

2007-12-12T22:20:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Stephanie-Paige

I feel like Bridget Jones at this moment. After looking for someone to go out with and having given up on it now I have a major complication on my hands. I have spoken to you about Hobbes and how we have been spending a lot of time together and fooling around a bit - just some harmless pashing and stuff. I was always guarded because firstly I didn't want to be with someone who is younger than me and secondly because in a few months I'd be in Sydney and he'd be back in Melbourne. I have tried long distance relationships before and I know how they end for me. I am not cut out for the long distance thing. He kisses like WOW and the time that we have spend together has been very sweet and intimate - cuddling and watching movies and lots of pashing. All through we knew that we were living in the moment and that this wasn't something long term.
Things changed when Jughead (Hobbes ex) came into the picture. I had a very bad boy image of Jughead and so I knew that there was no way annything could happen with him. But I felt a certain sense of comfort in his presence when we met. Jughead is from Sydney and so I was talking to him about accommodation and stuff but our closeness caused a rift between Hobbes and Jughead who had been 'friends' after breaking up a few years ago. Things were still OK until I went to Jughead's house for a movie and well something was about to happen but my guilt coupled with the things between Hobbes and me kinda made me turn into an unresponsive corpse or as Jughead put it 'emotionless and cold' and we didn't do anything at all. I tried to talk to Hobbes but I couldn't and Juhead kinda feels that I am like a kid in a candy store who wants it all.
I don't know what to do. I know that Jughead is nice and at the same time I know that he is very attached to his family (which is a good thing in my books) and if they asked him to marry and settle down with a girl they chose he may just go ahead and do it. I know I wouldn't do the same but that a personal choice and I don't wanna judge him for it. But if and when that happens we would have to part ways because I have been in a relationship with a married man once and I don't wanna be caught in the situation again.
I also felt he was very open with discussing intimate sexual details like the role I prefer, how hung I was, was I into kinky stuff etc and I begun to wonder if he really want sex or something more than a one night stand.
The thing is that the way things are I am hurting everyone involved with spending time with either one of them and not seeing the other. I would want to tell Hobbes what is going on in my mind and that I'd want to give it a shot with Jughead and see where it leads but that would mean stopping all the pashing and cuddling with Hobbes and I hope that he doesn't take it as rejection because I wouldn't wanna hurt the kid - he's a sweetheart. I have been called a 'heartless bitch' three time by three different people in the past few days and I am beginning to feel like one. How I wish things weren't complicated and I had someone to talk to about all of this. In a few minutes I am going to be speaking with Hobbes on the phone I would hate to say all of it this way. I wish it was more personal like a one to one conversation.

I'll end the post with something I read on fellow blogger gaykarma's blog : "The greatest battles of our lives are the ones between our hearts and minds."

It never rains but it pours

2007-12-10T10:57:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Disbrainer

I know I haven't been blogging as much as I have in the past but I have some very good reasons for it. At last my social life is looking up. After being stuck in the doldrums for quite some time I feel my stars have begun to rise. I have met a few new friends who are all gay and that is very refreshing for a gay guy living a solitary existence in small town Chandigarh.
To start with I met Calvin who discovered me through this blog and then it was Hobbes who I had spoken to about 7 years ago and never met. Hobbes and I got along very well and started to spend a lot of time together watching movies in the theater, eating out every other day or just lazing around at home listening to music. And then Hobbes ex Jughead came in to picture. Jughead has spend the last few years of his life in Canada and only recently moved to Sydney. Hobbes wanted me to meet Jughead so that I'd have a point of contact in Sydney. I was a but apprehensive and after delaying the meeting for a while I finally met him on the 6th. Jughead and me share the same birth date and we have been in similar sorta relationships in the past. So we had a few things to talk about.
But I think Hobbes is not taking all this too well. Maybe it's because of the little action that has happened between us in the past few weeks or its because of his history with Jughead but it makes me feel like the bitch. I have started to observe this undercurrent of tension between Hobbes and Jughead and I feel guilty about it all. I feel things screwed up because of me and I am trying my best to clear the air and get them both to square one.
There are times when I feel that the best thing is to withdraw myself from the situation and that way they may be able to mend whatever damage has been done. I don't want to be in the situation where I feel guilty of speaking to one and ignoring the other. I just wish that things weren't so complicated and human emotions not so fickle!

The road I traveled

2007-12-07T23:47:00.000+05:30

Today was quite a hectic day with me driving to the hills and as soon as I reached home I left to see V (the straight friend who has just come out of a long relationship his family didn't approve of). After catching up with him I went to see Hobbes and Jughead (the Indian guy from Sydney) and it was nice meeting them all. Though I was exhausted I somehow still wanted to be with them. Anyways the drive seems to have helped as I feel much lighter and clearer about the things that were troubling me.
I also took a trip down memory lane by visiting Kasauli which is a hill station founded by the Britishers during colonial times and it has a very old world feel to it. I had once been there when I was very young with my aunt and cousins and we had had a great time. I took pictures of the hotel we stayed in then and also a grocery shop that I remember buying some stuff from. I am posting a few picture of the drive and Kasauli. The old church is in Kasauli and there a few pictures of an old organ that is now broken but was being repaired by an old man.

A drive is in order

2007-12-06T19:43:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Fanta-chan

I hate it when I am insecure but that is one thing that keeps haunting me from my childhood. I have been so trying to blend into the background all my life that when I am noticed it is more than flattering. But when I feel that the appreciation starts to wash away or I have to share it with someone else it sends me back into my shell and then all I want to do is run away. I would want to think that with time I have been able to learn the art of camouflaging my emotions but I think I suck at it and most people can see right through me.
It is when I feel that my vulnerability is so very obvious that I start to feel pathetic and depressed. I am glad that tomorrow I can get away from all and get a fresh perspective at life and everything else with a drive to the hills. There is nothing like a drive to the hills to clear your mind with all the fresh air and the chill usually numbs all the pain!!!
I hadn't even finished writing this post and I got a call from my closest friend and we have decided to go out for coffee. There is a lot to talk about with him as he is just got out of a very long relationship with someone he was planning to get married. His parents didn't agree to the relationship and now he is engaged to someone else. Who said life for straight blokes was easy. I hope his problems can help me realize how inconsequential the ramblings going around in my head are....

Apartment hunting fraud

2007-12-05T22:03:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Princendymion

Here I was thinking that at last everything was going on smoothly and an unexpected and unwanted surprise comes through. I thought that while waiting for D day I could try looking for some accommodation online. I put up a classified on Gumtree.com and got a few replies the very next day. One looked promising and the female who replied seemed very nice. But as always most things that are too good to be true are just that; Not true!!!
The apartment had all the bells and whistles I was looking for but she wanted me to send the bond money and first month's rent through Western Union to her mother in London!!! She seems to be in too much of a hurry and the pictures of the house that she send me make it pretty obvious that she is a fraud. Atleast make an intelligent effort if you are trying to con someone.
There is another house which is about 2 kms from the institute but is shared by 10 students. As of now that seems to be a safe bet until something better comes my way. I would prefer to move in with a gay housemate and would love to have an ensuite bath even if I'd need to pay a little extra for that. I guess until I don't reach Sydney I would have to look for something short term and once I am there I could look for something ideal.
Hobbes friend who is a student from Sydney is here and he may be able to be of some help but I still have to meet Jughead (the friend from Sydney) and see how it works from there.

The Old and new collide

2007-12-03T19:57:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Houseoftryst

Eventually everything seems to be falling into place. I am surprised and overwhelmed by it all because the application process and what followed thereafter wasn't easy. There was a lot of chaos and difficulties that followed and nothing seemed to be going my way. By the end of it I decided to play my part and leave the rest in God's hands and like always he came to my rescue. I have the visa done and today I got the tickets for the 18th of January and that means that on the 20th of January God willing I'd be in Sydney. But now what seemed like The End seems to be only the beginning!! There is a lot that needs to be put in place before I leave. Other than the figuring out the logistics I also have to make the most of my days with the family. If possible I need to get my dad to accept my sister's apology and get them talking!!! That would be quite and uphill task. My dad is one of the most stubborn person on the planet and he hadn't forgiven my sister for marrying someone he didn't approve of. Nowadays he is all the more melodramatic and touchy seeing me leave them and move to a country far away and down under!!! Let's see what is in store with regards to that.
The next thing on the agenda is trying to find an accommodation near the campus i.e in the vicinity of North Ryde which the institute's website says would be Ryde, West Ryde , Denistone, Marsfield, Meadowbank, Putney. Any help with regards to it would be hugely appreciated.
With most things in my life falling in place it's no wonder that love life seems to be on a upswing too. The good part is that he is kinda nice and fits the bill with regards to my type but the sad part is that we know that it cannot be long term as of now with me moving to a new place and he going back to where he came from. It's more like a holiday romance and I have had one of those before, burnt my fingers in the process and learned my lesson. It's strange how I find myself in the same situations that I was stuck in with Mr Oz in Bali. But this person though much younger deals with every situation in a much more mature and sensible manner. I am enjoying each day as it comes without expecting much and trying to keep my emotions under check...

Early gifts

2007-11-30T12:18:00.000+05:30

Christmas and birthday gifts from Mr Hyde, Harry and David

It's been a very nice week!! I have blogged about most of it so you would know and today I got a beautiful surprise!! My friend and a regular commentator on the blog Mr Hyde send me an early Christmas and birthday gift. Mr Hyde is off on a vacation through Australia and then to New Zealand and therefore he send the gifts early.
I am still to meet someone as genuine and loving as Mr Hyde on the internet. His partner is a very lucky man!! We have kept in touch over the past few months by exchanging emails and sending DVD's to each other for us to discover Indian and Australian cinema.
I have had a few very ugly birthdays the past few years and I have an intuition that this year would be better. Having your birthday on New Years day is not a very good thing. Firstly everyone is trying to get over the hangover from New Year's eve and secondly most are too tired to party again. It's not like I am a party person but getting together with friends over drinks and food is what would make my day but the last few years that hasn't been the case :-(

In this age of fuck buddies and sugar daddies it is a blessing to find someone like Mr Hyde and form a relationship that cannot be put into a category as stipulated by the society. It's hard to find a connection with lovers but when you can form one with a complete stranger it's nothing short of a miracle!!!

Gifts that Mr Hyde send me earlier. The biography of Patrick White by David Marr is signed by the author!!! Daffodils are my favourite flowers and since yesterday my room smells just divine with the fragrance of the flowers.

I know that you wouldn't be reading this anytime soon Mr Hyde but thanks a ton for all beautiful gifts and thank you Harry and David (the card you made is beautiful :' -)

Feels special

2007-11-29T23:11:00.000+05:30

Photo Credit : Pickledcum

It was a nice day today. I met him and then we came home to watch a DVD - "Catch and Release". It was nice being hugged and made cozy on a winter evening and watching a romantic flick with someone who feels just perfect. There was a bit of naughty foreplay during the movie but overall it was all very sweet and innocent. After the movie there was some action but just enough to excite us and stop before it got outta hand!!! So it like being high until now and I love it.... I found this picture which I think is very close to what I was feeling today ;-)

I wanna touch you.... feel you .. slide all over you

2007-11-29T12:16:00.000+05:30

This is the new commercial by Lee jeans on the telly here. I love the concept and the song is just amazing. Does anyone know the song??!! I am loving it!!! I wanna touch you, feel you .. slide all over you ;-)

Lee Jeans Commercial

Video Credit : Happyfilmography

Excess Baggage

2007-11-27T19:21:00.000+05:30

Picture Credit : Invisibletape

Well it seems like sharing isn't all that bad. I just shared the news about me moving to Sydney yesterday and my papers from the institute came through today. But nothing comes through easily and when it does we usually don't value it all that much : easy come, easy go!!! I have had first hand experience with the same. I have never valued relationships that 'just happened' without having to try very hard and no surprise they fell through very easily too. It's only when you have strive to get something that you tend to 'value' it for longer!! That seems to be the case with me anyways.
I was trying to get tickets for Singapore Airlines so that I could fly the A380 from Singapore to Sydney but all flights are booked for January and I will watch for a day or two and then may have to look for another airlines. The work is just started : there is the accommodation to look for and bank stuff to arrange and I have to try to get all my clothes, shoes and stuff into my bags and try not to cross the baggage allowance!! I am glad that students get 48 kgs because otherwise with the meager 20 kgs I would have been able to only get my shoes across to Oz!! I hope that only baggage I get along with me are the clothes and shoes everything else I'd want to throw into the ocean so that I could start life afresh minus all the conditioning from the past!!
There is a lot of things that still need to fall in place and I have my fingers crossed and now that I have shared it with you all I am sure your best wishes are going to expedite things. Thanks dear readers!!!!

The real Sydney

2007-11-26T00:05:00.000+05:30

I haven't written about this on my blog before because I didn't want to jinx my plans but that hasn't helped so I thought I'd share it with you all. I have been planning to move to Sydney for study and was supposed to do so in October but my visa got delayed. When the visa came through I had to defer my course and so had to wait for revised set of documents from the institute. I was earlier told that I could defer to January but later the person incharge told me that as I was planning to do a degree course after the completion of the diploma I'd have to wait until April to start the course or I could do a short term course which starts in January that ends in April. I have waited long enough doing nothing at all so I decided to pay a little extra and start the short course in January before the Diploma which starts in April.
As with everything else with the goddamn application process once again there has been a mix up of some sort and though I have the revised set of papers for April and the visa I am still waiting to get the papers for January. It's so very hard to wait for things to come through and it irritating me beyond what I could put in words. Thankfully I have some new found friendships and more to keep me busy and my mind off the future!!
Anyways I didn't write this post to bitch about life but because I saw this rather interesting travelogue on BBC about Sydney. I am sure Sydneysiders would know about the places the presenters talk about but I thought I still share it for the benefit of ones like me that may move into the city in the future or are planning to visit it for holidays.

Photo credit : Adsy

Gaudi and Nusrat

2007-11-24T13:21:00.000+05:30

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan needs no introduction. He was one of the greatest exponent on Sufiyana Kalam but his untimely death left a great void in the genre. Now we have many producers who are using his vocals and coming out with mixed versions of the same and at times they destroy the beauty of the original composition in the process. I stumbled on a new song by Nusrat from Gaudi's album Dub Qawwali and I though it was really experimental and nice and hence I am posting the same for you to enjoy.

Bethe Bethe Kese Kese - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Gaudi

Video Credit : Sixdegreesrecords

To Happiness

2007-11-23T23:55:00.001+05:30

Picture Credit : Josemanchado

Monogamy and pashing

2007-11-23T22:54:00.000+05:30

Monogamy in a relationship is very important to me. I think it's got to do with certain episodes from my childhood that when I am in a relationship I can't have Him running around with other people.
That is the reason I am scared to get into a relationship because though I desire monogamy I am easily bored in a relationship and when my eye starts to wander my guilt forces me to break up with the person I am with. The last relationship I was in was with Mr Oz and in the past few weeks we had got in touch once again. I realized that the distance coupled with the episodes in Bali and his indifference thereafter kinda washed away the feeling I had for him. But I still tried to keep it going because it wasn't hurting anyone.
For the past week or so I have been meeting someone and there has been some harmless pashing. That left me feeling guilty and to add to it when I saw my phone there was a mushy message from Mr Oz. I just wrote him a mail telling him everything and hoping that we could still keep in touch and try to be friends.
It's after a very long time that I am with someone just because I enjoy his company and because there aren't any strings attached. It's a very organic and open setup where the expectations are bare minimum and hence no scope for any kind of misunderstandings or arguments.

Picture Credit : Josemanchado

Status quo

2007-11-21T14:18:00.000+05:30

The last few days have been rather nice. I have been hanging around a lot with Hobbes and for the last two days Calvin, Hobbes and me have been catching up over dinner. Calvin leaves for Oslo on the 24th so the last dinner was about plans to pimp him up for the Scandinavians so that Calvin may get lucky on a cruise he plans to take to Denmark. I enjoy Hobbes company but for some strange reason we love to disagree and there is lot of arguing- all harmless though!
It's refreshing to catch up with people with whom you don't need to pretend with. Both Calvin and Hobbes are gay and so there is lots of bitching and giggling like teenage girls each time the gang gets together. I guess we are the stereotype kinds.
A few days after I met Hobbes he asked me if we were just friends or friends with benefits! I have never been with someone younger than me so I just gave this rather twisted philosophical answer but ever since I have been kinda conscious in his company. The whole dating game comes with all these apprehensions and questions like does he like them smooth, does he like to kiss, should I be honest or should I be mysterious blah blah blah and that is daunting to me so I like the present status quo. But I am happy in the place I am in and things are looking up for me in regards to personal matters but with regards to career and stuff everything seems to be stuck!! I feel like shouting and screaming on someone but I think I am too passive to do that so all I am doing is listening to some music to keep me relaxed.
I heard this song by Israeli-Palestinian singer Amal Murkus the other day called Tamahali and tried to find it on youtube but couldn't instead I found another beautiful number by her which I am posting. Her voice is just divine and transports you another place...!!!!!

Amal Murkus - Ya Oud

Video Credit : Muxizian
Photo Credit : Ayerlind

Jamais vu

2007-11-19T10:10:00.000+05:30

Jamais vu is a term in psychology (from the French, meaning "never seen") which is used to describe any familiar situation which is not recognized by the observer.
Often described as the opposite of déjà vu, jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.
Jamais vu is more commonly explained as when a person momentarily does not recognize a word, person, or place that they already know.

The sequence of strange events in my life seems to continue. Yesterday I met Hobbes for coffee after dinner and he had told me prior to the meeting that he wanted to share something with me. Hobbes had returned from an eye surgery a day before and so I was seeing him after a few days. We were driving around town when I asked him about the thing he wanted to talk about.

I first talked to Hobbes about 7 years ago when he was dating someone I knew in the past and we never got to meet each other just some long phone calls. Yesterday he asked me about certain situation or places I might have been in early last year. It turns out that he had spotted me twice once in the market and the next time in a cafe. He could describe my clothes and the person I was in great detail!! It was then that he told me that he had fancied me when he saw me in the market!! But he didn't know that I was the same person he once spoke too and I obviously was lost in my world to realize that a cutie pie was checking me out!

The weird part is that it didn't hit him when we met a few days ago that I was the same person. But while he was out of town for the surgery the realization dawned upon him during one of his dreams. I found it all very strange and amusing!!

Picture Credit : Cirgy