Emotional bankruptcy

It's hard to believe that in a few weeks time I would have spend one whole year in Sydney. The time I have spent here has changed me in more ways than one. I feel I am a little bit more responsible than I was back home, still have a problem with budgeting though. There is a lot that has happened in the year. I met a few people, had to let go of a few and have learned to cherish a handful.
One thing that I have started to realize of late is that I haven't had a single mind blowing sexual encounter in Sydney. I have met some real nice people but there wern't any fireworks in the bed and I slowly started to grow distant. Yes, I know I am shallow but sex is a very important part of a relationship in my books. I have now seriously begun to wonder if I am off sex which is highly unlikely cause I am always horny but I haven't enjoyed in a real long time now and that is worrisome. Only yesterday I had rabbit sex with a guy I met and thought I had some connection with. The moment he got into bed and started the act he wouldn't stop humping and we weren't even doing it!! He was just happy humping any or every part of my body so much so that I almost had a back ache. As I had invited him over I had to spend the whole night and half of the next day with him and the humping continued non stop even while I was sleeping!!?
But one favourable outcome from all the failed escapades has been that I have started to grow more fond of Aiden. We have now known each other for about 6 months or more and have met many a times but he has never tried anything. Maybe I am just hallucinating and he isn't interested but in case he is then his behaviour is impressive to say the least.
Other than that work is going good, I got the job I wrote about in the last post but had to cancel the trip back home because of that. I am on a break from school now but due to the recession in my personal economy I have to be careful lest I have to apply for bankruptcy. Itz sad that there are tons of sales on and the boxing day mega sales just around the corner and I have no money to shop :-(
Will have to wait for next year I guess and most probably things would be better then :-)

Breaking the routine

It seems like blogging for me is becoming an once a month affair. So just to break the routine I decided to make a quick post before I hit the D-day. Life has been pretty uneventful except for work and school so there wasn't much to blog about. I met a few guys but there wasn't any spark as such. Things with Aiden are pretty ho hum too. I am kinda finding it difficult to understand what he really wants from me i.e. if he wants anything at all!!

There have been some exciting developments on work front and soon I may be moving to a better position at a pretty good establishment but I am still waiting to hear from them. I have my fingers crossed and you guys too please pray for me ;-)

Other than that I have been finding solace in some great music from Turkey and the Middle East namely Mercan Dede's Su, Azam Ali Elysium for the Brave, Niyaz - Nine Heavens, Gaudi ft Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Shams Ensemble - Penhan Cho Del. Give them a listen they are pretty good albums.

Seems like due to some new developments at work the trip to go back home may have to be delayed. I have mixed reactions to that. I am sad that I am going home late but also excited at the prospects of the new job opportunity coming through (fingers crossed). More updates soon. That's all folks....

Reason, Season, Lifetime

Picture Credit : littleblackcat

"People come into our life for a reason, season or a lifetime." The unfortunate part is when someone you thought was going to be there for a lifetime decides otherwise. The human heart is strange and works in fashion that is beyond our comprehension. What is even worse is our perception and expectations out of relationships sometime leads to the death of beautiful connection which if allowed to develop more organically would have been something amazing.
I haven't blogged in a while partly because I was busy with school and work and partly because I though that rather than talk to people in cyberspace I should be talking to people closer home. I tried but I guess I am not much of a speaker and fail to express myself. I have been pretty passive of late with the problems or situations I was faced with but I kinda lost my control the other day when I felt all my heartfelt emotions and love was being trampled on I had to cut loose out of a relationship which I had though was the lifetime kinds.
In times like these the person I miss the most and the one I know would be able to comfort me without me having to say anything is Mum. I wish I was home. It is when I am going through drama like this that I am happy to be single.
Talking about being single it seems like things with Aiden are moving to the next level. He is passing on these subtle messages and has been really nice. I have my fingers crossed and am enjoying the butterflies in the tummy moments. Have met some of his friends over the last 2 weeks and now maybe cooking with him for some of his friends. In these dark time it is him and the support of some other friends like Garfield and Calvin that has kept me going. Hopefully I wouldn't be away for long and will keep you posted about any developments or dissapointments on this front in the future.

The beauty of uncertainity is ugly....

Picture Credit : dasrotkappchen

I can't believe it that its been 1 month since I last posted. I have just not been in my element. It seems like finally when I was getting settled here things have happened that have upset the balance that I tried so hard to achieve. A couple of things happened which in the current perspective seem rather disturbing but I am sure in the long run I would realise that it was all for good. I think it's the whole idea of opening yourself up to something and being honest and upfront only to either be misunderstood or be taken advantage of.
I guess I am not angry at anyone except at myself for not having learned from the past. When I am with someone I am not trying to think too much other than to be vary of not being the reason for anyone's heartache but that either makes me the bitch or the ice princess.
There are some people who may read this entry and think it's targeted to them. Please babes relax it's just me venting things out and getting my does of therapy and anyways I have much more on my plate than just you. I hope you are happy with your decision and that you stick to it. I am going to survive I have seen much worst days.
In a way I seem to be at square one and it is both scary and comforting at the same time. I think I am paying for all the fun I had the past few months and I guess it is a fair price. When those days didn't last these won't too.

Birth, Disease, Death and LOVE

Picture Credit : RayRay2

These have been the themes in my life in the days that I have been absent from the blogging world. I am not the kinds who would share the bad news first so am going to start with the good news (or maybe on 2nd thoughts it's not). My sister had a baby girl so that makes me a proud uncle of a sweet little niece who I am dying to hold in my arms. But now I am no longer the child of the family. I think I can live with that. I can't be jealous of someone so adorable. I just saw her first pictures - My little princess.

On a completely different note I had a brush with disease. I had a pretty serious bout of flu but couldn't take off from work as it was a very busy week and the kitchen wouldn't have functioned without atleast two of us. So inspite of the bad health I sucked it up and went to work after having been at school all day. It feels like I am paying a price for all those lazy days back home. I miss all the pampering I would have got if I was home with mum. 

Today while I was still struggling with the flu and getting ready for work I got a call from Jeremy's mom. It's the house that I used to at as a helper with a boy with cerebral palsy. My friend who had introduced me to the couple and also worked with the boy had a migraine attack and seizure. I couldn't afford to skip work so made a few calls and left for work. But I felt a great sense of guilt because this friend had confessed to having some strong feelings for me. His confession had taken me aback and I had started to keep my distance. I could feel the sadness and desperation in his voice and text in the last few weeks but had tried to keep my resolve and distance. I wondered that if this distance was the reason for stress that lead to the migraine attack. I did see him after work but I am still not over the guilt.

Moving on to the third theme - Death. I have never been able to deal with death. I have never seen a dead body except of my grandfather and it didn't stir any emotions in me cause we weren't close but seeing my mum cry did make me choke on my tears. The same thing happened when I heard about my uncle's death last month. It didn't cause any emotional disturbance except for the remorse for my aunt who I felt would be left all alone in a foreign country. It got me thinking why I don't react too strongly like most people with regards to death. Am I emotionally that numb that I have stopped to feel the pain of loss for myself and for other people? I remember the time my friend's father passed away I kept hiding from him even though we were neighbours. I didn't know what I should say or do when I see him and that is the way its always has been. It doesn't scare me as much as the idea of not feeling any emotions that kinda freaks me out. It reminds me of the character from "Angels in America" (one of my favourite mini series ever) who leaves his boyfriend after his health starts to deteriorate due to AIDS. 

Hmm.. and now to the last and the most important theme - LOVE. Well there isn't much to write home about but atlast it seems like there is someone who has caught my attention. Sadly things are complicated as always but I am enjoying the intellectual and mental stimulation that the present company is providing. But sadly it seems like that is all that it's going to be but I am making the most of the moment without thinking too much about the repercussions. if any??!!

The celebration of being Gay

When I first arrived in Sydney and started to get my bearings right the thing that bothered me and about which I also wrote on the blog was the absence of Indian gay guys and how I felt a minority within a minority. Though I did attend a show called Butterflies in the Mughal Garden performed by a group of South Asian gay men I still felt like the only (Indian) gay in the village. Maybe it's because I don't do the scene. I guess there are a lot of desperate Indians because all I read on profiles on gay dating (or hooking up) sites is "no Asians, no Indians please, no offence". None taken my friend the loss is all yours.
Since then I got involved with life in the big city and got caught up between school, work and sex or should I call it something more civilized like dating. Anyways so when the opportunity came to do something about the situation I couldn't let it go. Garfield told me about Gulmohar- A South Asian film festival that is being held in Petersham, Sydney by Trikone Australia. I guess with all the costumes, dance and music you would think that all Indian movies were gay but that isn't the case. And sadly this isn't like a regular Indian festival like Diwali or Holi with lots of colour, sweets and pomp but nevertheless its pretty exciting and does coincides with the celebration of India's 61st Independence Day on the 15th of August. Sadly enough though India would be celebrating it's Independence day consensual sex between same sex partners is still a crime and gay marriages or civil rights for same sex partners is a very distant dream. This situation forces many gay men and women to migrate to foreign countries because in India they would be forced into heterosexual arranged marriages. I guess the Film festival couldn't come at a better time to illuminate the hypocrisy of 'Modern and Emergent' India.
I know I cannot do much so I am doing my part by promoting it on the blog which I don't think many people read and also by volunteering at the festival. I haven't seen many of the movies either but the one that I would recommend is "My Brother Nikhil". After Maurice it's my 2nd favourite movie on a homosexual theme. It's not your regular Bollywood flick and is a very sensitive and honest portrayal of a young man's struggle with coming to terms with his sexuality and fighting the prejudices against a HIV+ person in a India. In the struggle his pillar of strength is the unconditional love of his sister. A truly heart warming story. If you can please do pass the word along and do visit the website to see if there are any movies that interest you.
Tomorrow is also my first day with Jermy about whom I wrote earlier. I am so looking forward to meeting him again. I hope I am able to handle the responsibility. Its a huge thing for me to be responsible for another human being but I am glad that it is someone as special as Jermy. Will write more about it after the first day.
The other thing that I wanted to write about which has bothered me for a while is Gordon Ramsay. I have no problem with him acting the the way he acts and his foul mouthed personality. Honestly speaking there are worse things on the telly like naked idiots on Big Brother but lets not even go there. The thing that bothers me is how Ramsay has become so fashionable of late while in my opinion he is nothing about food and all about the drama. And if that wasn't enough he is becoming a role model of a kinds for a few of our teachers at school. I agree that the kitchen is a very fast paced and tense environment but being rude and just plain right dick heads just because you are in a position of power isn't going to help anything. And because it is a place which requires perfect co-ordination and team work mutual respect and understanding become all the more vital. So in case you are reading this Mr Ramsay please mend your ways and make life easier for Apprentice Chefs like myself and keep the aggressive behaviour to your bedroom where it does no harm to the world at large.

My Brother Nikhil
Video uploaded by Rajesh Kumar

Leaving footsteps on the sand of time

Me at Hyams beach. I wish life was always this serene and beautiful!!!

After all the madness in my life for the past few days and the madness in Sydney due to the Pope's visit I decided to leave it all behind and head out of Sydney to get some perspective on things. The trip to Snowy Mts and Jervis Bay did help in rejunevating me and my soul but once back I am faced with the same situations. I think that is my main problem in life. I rather run away from a situation than confront it or talk about it. I have always been someone who hates confrontations and more so with people I love and care for. I am working on that and hope I am able to change it for the better.
I am overwhelmed by the fact how I am blessed to have met some really wonderful people since I have come to Sydney. In the city filled with people who are so involved with themselves its quite a treat to meet some genuinely nice friends, acquaintances or one night stands that develop into much more than just sessions of instant gratification. I have always complained on this blog about how I have met people who have developed feeling for me while I didn't feel that strongly for them but I have never taken a moment to thanks God for blessing me with so much love and the company of some really special people.
To all those wonderful souls that I have met and who have showered so much love and attention on me - "thank you" (you know who you are). I hope I am more appreciative of all that I have got from you and life. I need to count my blessing!!!