The elusive 'love'

"Love" how would you define the feeling? In this world we use the word so loosely and as an all encompassing description for a plethora of emotions. If you remember the ecstasy and pain of being in 'love' you would know what I am getting to. Love is far too strong an emotion to be experienced so often. I know that I have been in love just once and that it was amazing. There were some good times and memories and then there was this pain which was so bad that I would have rather died then see the next daylight. Since then the feeling has never been that strong. It seems like it all stops at the skin and has never been able to go any deeper. I am not saying that I haven't met anyone after that. I have met some amazing people but I have never been able to get to the point where I have started to 'love' them.
In the past few months I have had a few people profess their love for me and maybe the feeling that they are experiencing is intense and strong enough to be called 'love' but I feel that all the love and tears inside me have become dormant and I don't know if I'd ever be able to feel once again.

....to find the beloved
one must have faith....

I don't know why I am writing this or if it even makes any sense but I just needed to get all this out of my system. And if YOU are reading this blog please know that I am damaged and I don't think I can 'love' again and I hope you find someone who can love you unconditionally and madly because that is what you are worth.

Video Credits : Typecast releasing

This is a movie called Bab Aziz by Nacer Khemir that I have been dying to watch. I have heard the soundtrack and it is amazing. Does anyone know if this movie is available in Australia?

Emotional Palsy

Picture Credit : Jflaxman

It's been a rather weird the past few days or weeks. I have met a few people I have really liked but not to the extent of 'falling in love' once again. There has been Aidan who is interesting but
I don't know if my excitement about him is just an overreaction or is it a feeling that would stay for long. It has started to seem to me that it is more of an infatuation. We come from completely different worlds and I am not sure if he'd be able to understand where I am coming from in certain situations.
But I wasn't thinking about it all that much until today when I went and saw Jeremy. I don't want to give him a pseudo name for this blog because I just can't. He is a 17 years old boy with cerebral palsy that one of my friends is a caretaker for. The other day I was speaking to my friend and he told me that Jeremy's parents were looking for another caretaker for him for the weekend and he asked me if I would be interested. I decided to pay him a visit and see where it takes me from there.
What I felt is nothing close to what I had imagined I would feel. I didn't feel pity or empathy but I genuinely felt this all encompassing care and love for Jeremy. Everytime he would clinch my hand in his fist I wouldn't want him to let go. I just wanted to sit there and keep stroking is hair or just hold his hand. It made me think how it would be if I wasn't able to express myself and how frustrating it would be if I couldn't show my love to someone I really liked. In front of that all my problems seemed non-existent. I have decided to tell the parents that I am interested and see where it takes me but I know that I felt that I have this love inside me and if anyone I know deserves that care and love then it's Jeremy for the sole reason that I know for sure that he would never take it for granted.

Beacon of Hope

Picture Credit : Svangeest721

I think by now whosoever reads this blog is used to me not blogging regularly and I should stop apologizing about the same. Finally I have a 2 weeks break from school but there isn't much to do in the vacations.
One of my friends who always opposed my writing this blog because he felt I should be talking to 'real' people has asked me to blog because he feels I am not giving an outlet to my feelings and am keeping it all bottled up inside me. I am trying to blog but it seems like there is a writers block of sorts or maybe I have just got over the whole blog episode of my life.
This weekend I met a rather interesting guy for lunch and all was going well until he started to make a move. I just felt sick and had to stop him and talk to him for a while and then I left. It left a very bad taste in my mouth (not literally you dirty minds).
But that changed for the better the next day when I met Aidan at the Customs House for brunch and then walked through the Aroma Festival at the Rocks. He is quite a gentleman and when the time to say goodbye came I didn't want him to leave. We hugged and there was a kiss on the neck and the hug lasted a tad longer than it should have and it was a nice feeling to be lost in the arms of a guy in a sea of people. I felt a high that I haven't felt in a long time. I think the anticipation is making the wait all the more enjoyable and I am loving it... :-)
The day ended with a visit to Din Tai Fung (which is a new dimsum place in World Square and which was once rated as one of the top 10 restaurants in the world by New York Times) with some friends. I didn't think it was worth all that fame and the 45 mins wait for a table but the company kinda made up for it all.
It finally seems like Sydney could be home for a while and that I am making friends here who may be the reason to keep me here. Lets see if the feeling stays or the bubble breaks.

So you are Brad Pitt.. That don't impressin' me much...

Picture Credit : Ollowain

This weekend was a rather strange one. I got talking to this guy a few days ago and I am kidding you not he looked exactly like Brad Pitt. We spoke a few times and on saturday night things turned out in such a way that I found me at his place. Well one thing lead to another and the sheets got dirty if you know what I mean. It has been a long time since I have had meaningless sex with a stranger and I realised why I had stopped doing it. One more thing I relaised was that most probably Brad Pitt is be a lousy partner in bed. When the act was over all I wanted to do was get out of the place. I just felt so dirty and yucky and his breath which smelled of Vodka didn't help matters either. Anyways with sunrise I too got my stuff together and left feeling all guilty. But things changed for the better by the arvo.
There is this other guy that I have been in touch on and off for about 3 months now and he intrigues me a lot. After much delay we decided to meet today and it was a rather pleasant meeting. The conversation was interesting and topics discussed got me thinking and I liked that. You know the feeling of the first date when allz so new and innocent and you are trying to understand the other person and stuff. I guess that is one thing thatz good about dating. The butterflies in the tummy syndrome and the rush of endorphins when someone shows interest in you and compliments your looks or something you are wearing and the accidental brush of the hand or the hug that last just a few seconds longer than a 'normal' hug.
The guilt of the night before was washed away and anyways now that I have been down that road I know I don't want to be there again. I guess lesson learned and no regrets...
I don't know what is going to happen with the guy (the 2nd one i.e.) who for the sake of anonymity on this blog would be called Adrian (because he is a furniture designer and so was Adrian in Sex and the City). Adrian is well grounded, on a path of spiritual discovery and overall seems a very nice guy. I don't know what he feels but I guess our paths crossed for a reason and let's see what is in store for the dervish. But I do have a good feeling about this one.

P.S. once again I have been called 'cold' when all I was trying to do was keep my emotions under control lest I end up hurting someone who is very dear to me. But now it doesn't feel that bad anymore. I guess I am going to be misunderstood and that is my destiny... I will learn to live with it. Better be emotionally sterile and cold than be the reason for someones tears. I can hadle hate but tears melt my heart...

The other side!!!

Picture Credit : Jezebel

There was a time that my day wouldn't feel 'complete' until I had blogged and I was pretty religious about it for about 6 months or so. And now it has been like ages since I posted last. I haven't written about this on the blog before but I suffer from a sort of attention deficit disorder and can't seem to stick to things for long. I was surprised that I blogged for all that time. Of late I have been thinking of calling it wraps and telling you guys that I would be closing down this blog for good but then I am a hoarder and don't like to throw things away. You never know when I may need to come back to blogging again and get advice from anonymous friends from strange lands.

Anyways it poured in Dervish land as bad as it has been pouring is Sydney. Met a few guys and most were promising but no one was pro active and I can never make the first move so the meeting ended with a coffee and lots of talk until I went out to the movies with one and he asked permission to hold hands. At first I burst out laughing but I kinda like guys who take charge. Well long story cut short one thing led to other and the sheets got dirty. The guy (lets call him Daffy) is younger than me (demerits point in my book) and is very genuine and caring. Once again the same thing is happening that happening with Hobbes and me. Being intimate with someone who fits the idea of the prefect man scares me and I make it a point to do things that would scare them away and then when they are gone I am lonely and miserable. Seems like the grass is always green on the other side and I don't appreciate what I have until I have lost it!!! Now that I have intimacy and a nice guy I still want to keep looking just in case prince charming is lurking around the turn at the corner or the street. I am turning into the people I have always despised. But I honestly don't feel for Daffy the way he feels about me and I am scared that if we go on like this I am going to hurt him and that is keeping me from opening up to him and I end up being the bitchy me and I don't like that. I believe in karma and I know what goes around comes around but I am in this dilemma not knowing what to do so I am going to do what I do best. I would act distant and emotionally sterile hoping that would bore Daffy and I could go back to my lonely boring life once again.

The mad night

Phew what an insane weekend had this been. After having laid low for a while I decided to 'explore' a bit. To start with Garfield and I did the usual dinner followed by a quiet night and then we did the Paddington weekend market the next day followed by a movie at Westfield Bondi Junction. We saw "The Painted Veil" which I loved. A very well made movie with great acting and stunning locales.
In the evening we were to meet a friend of Garfield who wanted to explore Oxford Street. This is the same guy who came out to us on the Mardi Gras Parade day. He's a nice guy but a bit too excited and a bit naive at times. That kinda makes me uncomfortable and to overcome that I end up being a bit bitchy. The sad part is that I feel the guy doesn't get that my bitchiness is harmless and just fun so that makes me even more uncomfortable. In the end we had dinner and I had to call it a night cause I couldn't take it anymore.
While heading back home friend of mine called and asked me to come with her to a straight strip club. I refused but she was persuasive so I gave in. We went to the city and found a parking in a secluded alley near Circular Quay. I had to change my shoes and shirt and while I was doing that there was a drugged old homeless man just next to us talking to himself and the wall. Then suddenly he started to shriek and I almost had my heart in my throat.
We ran away from there to meet up my friend's friend at Town Hall and then went to the 'Gentleman's Club". We walk in and there is straight porn playing on a big projection screen. I felt nauseous and saw the disgusted look on my friends face. We saw that a few guys had come there with their 'girlfriends' and I couldn't get my head around that!!! The performances were nothing to write home about. The first girl was bad and the next was good, talented and amazingly flexible. The only thing that kept going around in my head was what was going on in the girls head when they were stripping or rubbing their bobbies in a strangers face or giving them a lap dance. Where did they come from and where would they end in a few years!! All the thinking and the atmosphere made me even more nauseous.
Luckily the friend's friend is someone I had found to be interesting when I had met him for the 1st time and I did get a gay vibe from him but I ignored it cause I believe my gaydar is broken big time and also because he lives with his girlfriend.
Yesterday my friend told me that her fried has a crush on me. The poor guy was blushing like wow. But it was a nice feeling knowing that someone fancies you. Anyways long story cut short the guy asked me to 'crash' in at his place for the night but I didn't want to be the home breaker once more and so out of my concern for his 'girlfriend' who comes back from India tomorrow I decided to call it a night and came back to my cozy lonely empty bed at 3 in the morning!!!
Now on a completely different note I found this amazing website with the most unusually interesting music downloads. Please understand that I am not promoting music piracy but I would never be able to get my hands on this kinda music on my own so I feel that the website is a a good source. The website is http://welove-music.blogspot.com/
The music collection is simply amazing. The cover art on the top is from one of the albums on the site. I really liked it so thought of sharing it on the blog. Do give it a look....

Second chances...

I sat there for about an hour after you left. I thought about how I could have ever let you go. I thought about how happy we were I thought about you. and only you. that day, was horrible, but amazing, because I saw you. you're the only reason I wake up anymore.

Picture and Poetry Credits : Tragidystrikes

After the post yesterday and a talk with mum I was a bit down. I was so very looking forward to a movie with an old friend and fellow blogger JB. It was nice to know that one of his friends I once met with over a game of bowling 'thought I was cute'. I was flattered but at the same time I hadn't felt a 'spark' or 'chemistry' so was a bit wary. While talking to JB about many things one thing that came up was 'second chances'. It's only rarely that life gives us second chances and a miracle when both the parties really want to give it a go. I was happy for him.
I was happy but at the same time it amplified the feeing of emptiness that I have been feeling since the past few days. the void of not having that someone special to share all that is happening with. So I thought fuck logic and stop thinking. I decided to meet the friend and see what life has in store. But I am not sure if after the outright dismissal my coming around sounded genuine enough or not. It's funny how I have never been in a relationship with someone I was physically attracted to in the first instance or sight. I have never been with someone who I think would be physically my 'type'. I am sucker for beautiful words and when the other person is eloquent or just plain right romantic I toss the looks, age, or specs out of the window and all that matters is the moment. As it is the guys I have been attracted to physically have all turned out to be real losers (na that's harsh) just the 'bad boys' kind, you know the ones your mum asked you to stay away from.
I don't know if it's the weather or if I am home sick but this felling of darkness and loneliness is becoming all encompassing. The light at th end of the tunnel is that when things get that bad the only way is up but it also means that the drought is over and now its time for the rain and in Dervishland it never rains it pours and that can be one complicated scenario ;-) !!!

BTW the movie i.e 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' so very forgetable. If you have the time and money the movie to watch is 'Paris' staring my favourite Juliette Binoche. Also saw this very nice movie by her on SBS called 'Jet Lag' also staring Jean Reno.