Infidelity

Yesterday night I saw the movie 'Separate Lies'. And then today I read a post on the blog Single in the city about infidelity. I thought about it for a while and the questions that came to my mind were that when we have gone through all the pain of having to wait to meet someone we could spend our life (or just the present) with why do we give into temptations. Is the relationship we are in to be blamed?

I have cheated twice while in a 'relationship'. The first time was when I had just started my first relationship. I was still not in tune with the idea of a single partner. I had just met Mr. Big and we used to meet in cafes or go out shopping or for long drives and stuff. He was usually out of town and we still hadn't 'slept' together. During one of those days a friend with whom I had had 'fooled around' earlier came home for the night. It happened! I tried to control myself but gave in. I felt guilty after that and used to have these nightmares every night while I slept. When I couldn't take it anymore I confessed to Mr Big. At first he was angry then emotional but finally he decided to forgive me. But he never did. We stayed together for another 2 and a half years and everytime we fought he brought up the same incident. He could never trust me after that. I tried my best to make amends and suffered his indifference towards me and his interest in other guys during that time but could never confront him because of the guilt of having cheated on him. I caught him cheating on me and when I confronted him he refused to accept it and reminded me of my 'deed'. This went on for a while until I could take it no more. I asked him to choose between me and the other person and he never did.

I decided to part ways with him. He kept coming back to me and I took him back everytime thinking that if he could forgive me so should I. What I didn't realise is that he never forgave me and that he never confessed to have done any wrong. This continued for many painful heart wrenching months. One day while watching Sex and the city (my favourite TV show of that time) I saw two of the characters in the same situation. Seeing it from a third person's perspective I realised what I needed to do and broke up (once again).

But that was not the end of it. He came back one last time and this time he ruined my birthday (2 years in a row). We finally broke up for good two weeks after my birthday. I have met him since but never got together and I don't intend to ever in the future.

After Mr Big I dated an India guy who lived in US. He came to India we met and liked each other. The long distance thing didn't work for me but somehow we continued for about 8 months. I was supposed to visit him in the States but that couldn't come through and instead I went on a trip to Singapore and Hong Kong to deal with the disappointment of the trip to US not coming through. On my flight to Hong Kong I met a Chinese guy who was given the seat next to me because the American who had to sit there didn't want to sit close to the pantry (talk about destiny)! We got talking and I don't know why I gave him my hotel information. I wasn't interested in sleeping with him (he wasn't my type). I thought he was a nice guy who could show me around. But his intentions weren't pure (i don't blame him maybe I send him confused signals unintentionally) and my resolve not that strong. He came to the hotel tried some hanky panky some things happened and once again I faltered. I felt miserable after the incident and couldn't enjoy the rest of my vacation.

When I came back home I couldn't live with the guilt and didn't want to hurt the US guy by telling him about it so decided to call the relationship off. The guy thought it was because of the distance and decided to come to India. I tried to change his mind but he came. We met and things seemed better and then he made a move (that was the first time we had been physically intimate since the relationship started). The sex was BAD. We talked about it for a while and finally broke up. It was about 5 months later when he once again came to India that I told him about the Hong Kong incident. He said it didn't bother him but it bothered me. I think I set standards for myself which are too high for me and then fail them feeling miserable later. Maybe I shouldn't think about long term monogamous relationships. Maybe it true 'Once a cheater always a cheater'!!

I despise infidelity and then I go ahead and do the thing that I hate the most. Is it because deep down I believe that that's the way a same sex relationship is meant to be? Has it got something to do with me being sexually abused as a child or am I just making excuses to hide behind? What I have observed is that most of the times I loose the sense of respect I have for my partner once we have had sex. It all so strange and complicated and that is what scares me when I think about getting involved in a relationship. It is one of the things that has kept haunting me since I have decided to try this long distance thing with Mr Oz. He is a very nice guy and I don't want to hurt him. I hope I don't!!