The ole devil called Love

The devil called Love. When you don't have it you crave for it and when you do it comes with it's baggage of expectation, jealousy and insecurities. You bear with all that because of the high that it gives you to be in Love. It is the most powerful drug ever. Then one day it ends for reasons as diverse as infidelity, commitment phobias or the circumstances that you find yourself stuck in due to your family, work or anything else. But it's not easy to get out of the circle once you are in it. Even if the relationship ends it leaves a trail of painful memories and an imprint on your mind that influences your future relationships and judgments.

Having been sexually abused multiple times as a child (when I was about 6 or 7) I don't recollect the 1^st time when Sex was introduced to me. As far as I can remember I always knew what it was. To begin with it was the pain and humiliation of being used by another person who was older and more powerful than me. Then it was the moments of connection or acceptance from my peers to hide from their ridicule and mental abuse. I think it's due to that reason that when I grew up sex was never a taboo to me. It also led me to believe that the other person's pleasure meant more than mine. Until I was 20 years old I had had numerous partners and I had lost count of the number of times I had sex. But as God would have it we never went the whole way. I had still not experienced sexual intercourse. There had been numerous times I had felt the pain and the abuse of people who did want to go the whole way but thankfully it never happened. Until I was 20 years old I hadn't had sex which ended in an orgasm. All it ended up in was the felling of guilt and the sense of feeling dirty and used.

Then I met someone who instead of wanting sex wanted to have a relationship. The concept was alien to me and when the relationship started to get stronger I got scared and ran away. But by then the tiger had tasted the blood. He was the first person who introduced me to the pleasures of sex with a person with whom you connect at a deeper level. I started to miss the presence of someone whose life revolved around mine.

But that didn't last for long. I met Mr. Big one day and things began to look good. It was with him for the first time that I experienced the devil called LOVE. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on and to him my happiness was the most important thing. After dating for about 2 months we had sex for the first time and it was a whole new experience. To him my pleasure meant more that his and that was a first for me. With every passing day the initial awkwardness began to disappear and we started to have marathon sexual sessions lasting the whole night ending with sleeping cuddled naked in each others arms. It was then that I realized the difference between having sex and making love. I longer wanted to get up and clean myself after the act and nor did he. All we wanted to do was lie next to each other and feel the sweat one our bodies when we embraced. We would feel so comfortable that we would fall asleep and then the next things I would remember would be the kiss on the lips to wake me up. It was divine to see rays of shining sun on is face. There were times when I'd get up in the middle of the night and find him staring at my face. That feeling can never be put into words. But then good things don't last forever. At first I could not appreciate all that he had to give. I cheated on him once but couldn't bear the guilt and confessed. He decided to forgive and forget but never did. I tried as hard as I could to mend things but he had strayed by then. We stuck together for sometime but then it ended when I found him cheating on me. I confronted him about it but he lied and said he was innocent. This continued for a while until I couldn't take it any longer. After 2 years of being in the relationship and 1 and a half years of breaking up and making up I finally said goodbye and moved on.

The problem was that once you have experienced a relationship like that you can't settle for anything that ordinary and routine. For a while I dated another person and that lasted about 8 months but it was a long distance thing and I grew impatient and finally it ended.

And then I met someone online. This someone was from Australia and let's call him Mr Oz. My brain kept telling me that it wasn't a good idea but then there were all the endorphins being produced in my body and giving me a high like no other and it wasn't easy to listen to my brain. We started to have marathon chat sessions and we decided to meet. At first Mr Oz was to come to India but that didn't work out so we decided to meet on neutral grounds at Bali. We met in Bali and stayed together for 14 days. There were good days there were bad days and then there were ugly days. At one point we couldn't stand being in the same room as each other but somehow we managed to stick together for the entire time. He gave me the best holiday of my life and it was because it was the first time I was enjoying a vacation with someone I could share it with (I usually travel alone). And on the final day of parting when we said goodbye tears started to roll down his eyes and it melted my heart. We still live on different continents and are trying to get together. He is older and has a job and is well settled in life so I never asked him to move to India. I am trying to move to Australia but the process is long, tedious and unsure. There is so much that needs into fall in place but I am just not in the mood to give up this time because of the distance factor. Let's see what God has in store.