Confessions

What is your reaction when a relationship you think would last you a lifetime falls apart? I am sure you are angry at yourself and also at the person who shattered your dreams but then when does the anger give way to forgiveness and 'moving on'. I remember a quote from 'Sex and the City' (the TV show) where Charlotte says that it takes you atleast half the time you were in a relationship to move on or get the person out of your system. That was a scary thought when I heard it because my relationship had lasted 3 years and that meant atleast a year and a half of tears, pain and memories. And then when you are going through all these emotions you find out that your ex is going strong with someone else and they are enjoying all the things that you could in case you hadn't broken up. It's like nurturing a plant from a sapling and when the fruit is ready someone just comes along and plucks it before you.

At first I was really angry at the person whom my ex was dating but then with time I realised that I couldn't blame him. He didn't know of the extent of my love for my ex. He was seduced the way I was and he had no role to play in it. On the contrary he got me out in time.

The ex I am talking about is Mr Big. I had met Mr Big through someone I was dating before him. I broke up with the guy after a while but kept in touch with Mr Big who was in a relationship at that time. We met a few times over a period of 2 years but just as acquaintances. I knew that Mr Big was married with 2 children but was having a gay relationship with another man. I didn't judge him for that because he always came across as a very loving and doting father. Over time I came to know that he had broken up with his boyfriend. We started meeting often after that and I don't know how and when but we decided to get together. I wasn't thinking about a relationship but with time that is the way it turned out to be. I got closer to his family and became very good friends with his wife and got along like crazy with his kids. It was like a step mother kinda thing but not the evil one. We got acceptance from everyone and I tried my best to see to it that his family didn't suffer on my account. I think that is what got his wife and me closer to each other to a point where we could talk at hours about Mr Big - his mood swings and erratic behaviour. When I found out that Mr Big was cheating on me his wife 'O' was my biggest strength because she understood what I was going through. With time I broke up with Mr Big but to date I am friends with 'O'. We talk every day and she is the closest friend that I have.

I know this may sound all strange and complicated and a lot of you would be judging me at this moment but then I have nothing to say to defend myself. I am not proud of what I did but the truth of the matter is that I did it and I cannot change what happened. I told about this to Mr Oz and he didn't take it well but after a few days he was OK.

It's been long since I and Mr Big separated but I still haven't forgiven him and I don't think we could ever be 'friends' or anything else. That has always been the case with me. I have never been able to be 'friends' with my ex and maybe that has got something to do with me!!? Maybe I am not good at breaking up??