Invisible tears
I caught up with JB and a few of his friends today for bowling and dinner. It was a very enjoyable evening and for the first time I felt I wasn't doing the regular touristy thing that I have been doing until now in Sydney. Bowling was fun and the conversation after dinner very interesting fluctuating between complete nonsense to rather intellectual and intense topics. I enjoyed myself but as always I couldn't get out of my shell so most times I was smiling and nodding like a bimbo. To top it all I stepped into some dog poo and didn't realise it until I had sat in the car and someone else smelled it. I was embarrassed beyond words. Sorry JB!!
The gang was rather interesting and at most times the conversation was multilingual fluctuating between Hebrew, Spanish, French, English and a bit of Punjabi!!! That left the blonde in me all the more confused and looking like a complete idiot. But I enjoyed the night nevertheless. I also conquered another fear of mine by traveling in the night ride bus from the city to my suburb.
On the bus ride back home I felt sad. I couldn't explain the reason for the same but I felt like crying. Maybe it was seeing the couple friend of JB's and their intimacy and feeling the emptiness in my life. Maybe it was the thought of going back to my dark lonely room or maybe it was just the sad feeling when you are like coming back from a vacation. All through the journey home I was listening to music and there were some song whose lyrics struck a chord and I was on the verge of breaking down. I wish I had cried that way I would have felt lighter. I don't think I am sad in the conventional definition or the word but there is an emptiness I feel.
I think I a loosing it so I am not going to write anymore. I am going to sleep over it and I think I am going to feel better tomorrow and then with a clearer head am I going to write any further. As it is it's almost 3 in the morning and way past my bed time. With classes starting on Monday I would have to get up at about 6 in the morning and so I need to get my sleep schedule in order!!!
The gang was rather interesting and at most times the conversation was multilingual fluctuating between Hebrew, Spanish, French, English and a bit of Punjabi!!! That left the blonde in me all the more confused and looking like a complete idiot. But I enjoyed the night nevertheless. I also conquered another fear of mine by traveling in the night ride bus from the city to my suburb.
On the bus ride back home I felt sad. I couldn't explain the reason for the same but I felt like crying. Maybe it was seeing the couple friend of JB's and their intimacy and feeling the emptiness in my life. Maybe it was the thought of going back to my dark lonely room or maybe it was just the sad feeling when you are like coming back from a vacation. All through the journey home I was listening to music and there were some song whose lyrics struck a chord and I was on the verge of breaking down. I wish I had cried that way I would have felt lighter. I don't think I am sad in the conventional definition or the word but there is an emptiness I feel.
I think I a loosing it so I am not going to write anymore. I am going to sleep over it and I think I am going to feel better tomorrow and then with a clearer head am I going to write any further. As it is it's almost 3 in the morning and way past my bed time. With classes starting on Monday I would have to get up at about 6 in the morning and so I need to get my sleep schedule in order!!!
4 comments:
Mate...seriously do not worry about the car! I'm sorry to hear you feel empty. I'm glad the gang did not scare you. I know it can be intimidating to meet such extroverts..I at times find myself lost!!!
It has only been a few weeks and it takes time to settle. Dont worry..things will work out. Just give it time!
I am hoping things would work out in time but I somehow was glad that I felt the way I felt in the bus. I haven't felt much since coming here. I had needed to feel some emotion.
If it's sadness so be it. I wish I was able to let it all out!!
Thanks for introducing me to your friends!! I loved their fabulousness!!!!
Humm.. I can understand the sadness you felt. I have often felt it on the bus or train home, after a wonderful night out with friends. I think it comes from seeing what others have, what we see as lacking in our own lives. Its a touch of meloncholoy and a touch of whistfulness. But you kow, at times its kinda nice to feel that way, cause it makes us feel live. Sadness can have its own joy, contradictory as that may sound. :)
And don't worry, you'll see more of your fabulousness as time goes on. And you'll come out of your shell as well. If JB can do it, anyone can! :)
Thanks for dropping in LS!! I didn't know you knew the blog too.
I agree with you and in retrospection I do feel good about all that I went through yesterday. I haven't felt much emotions in some while now so it was good in a way to know that I am still alive and breathing and that I still feel pain and sadness!!
Hope to see more of you and the gang once you get back from the holiday.
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