Emotionally sterile
" U R the reason from my stress. U R emotionally detached and R sending me mixed signals..... R U playing....?"
This is a SMS that I got from a special someone today. Anyone who has read this blog would know my immense hatred from the players so being called once took me by surprise. I have never believed in playing games in a relationship but somehow with each passing relationship I have started to build a wall around my heart which I try not to let down soon lest I get hurt. The problem with doing that is that my guard coupled with my growing cynicism with each failed relationship has in a way made me emotionally sterile.
Here I have the most perfect person who I am attracted to physically like WOW but I make it a point to keep pushing him away with my indifference and nastiness while all I want to do is just accept things without creating boundaries around me. I am caught in a situation where I want to be with him and I know that with each passing moment I am getting to like him even more and that scares me so I turn into the ice princess.
After reading the SMS I was a but disturbed but decided not to do something impulsive and therefore decided to watch some telly to numb the thoughts running around my head. I caught "Before Night Falls" on one of the channels and started to watch it midway through. It is based on the autobiography by the same name of homosexual Cuban writer Reinaldo Arenas played by the very talented Javier Bardem, Johnny Depp and Oliver Martinez. It is a beautiful movie and I'd want to rent a DVD of the same in case it's available here. The last scenes of the movie are very powerful and moved me to tears. That's when I decided to write this post. The Dervish is kinda retrospective and lonely today after a long time....
Here I have the most perfect person who I am attracted to physically like WOW but I make it a point to keep pushing him away with my indifference and nastiness while all I want to do is just accept things without creating boundaries around me. I am caught in a situation where I want to be with him and I know that with each passing moment I am getting to like him even more and that scares me so I turn into the ice princess.
After reading the SMS I was a but disturbed but decided not to do something impulsive and therefore decided to watch some telly to numb the thoughts running around my head. I caught "Before Night Falls" on one of the channels and started to watch it midway through. It is based on the autobiography by the same name of homosexual Cuban writer Reinaldo Arenas played by the very talented Javier Bardem, Johnny Depp and Oliver Martinez. It is a beautiful movie and I'd want to rent a DVD of the same in case it's available here. The last scenes of the movie are very powerful and moved me to tears. That's when I decided to write this post. The Dervish is kinda retrospective and lonely today after a long time....
My Lover Sea
I am that child
with the round, dirty face
who on every corner bothers you with his
“Can you spare a quarter?”
I am that child with the dirty face,
no doubt unwanted,
that from far away contemplates coaches
where other children
emit laughter and jump up and down considerably
I am that unlikeable child
definitely unwanted,
with the round dirty face
who before that giant street lights or
under the grandams also illuminated
or in front of the little girls that seem to levitate
projects that insult of his dirty face
I am that angry and lonely child of always,
that throw you the insult and warns you:
if hypocritically you pat me on the head
I would take that opportunity to steal your wallet
I am that child of always
before the panorama of imminent terror
imminent leprosy, imminent fleas,
of offenses and the imminent crime.
I am that repulsive child that improvises a bed
out of an old cardboard box and waits,
certain that you will accompany me
- Reinaldo Arenas
I am that child
with the round, dirty face
who on every corner bothers you with his
“Can you spare a quarter?”
I am that child with the dirty face,
no doubt unwanted,
that from far away contemplates coaches
where other children
emit laughter and jump up and down considerably
I am that unlikeable child
definitely unwanted,
with the round dirty face
who before that giant street lights or
under the grandams also illuminated
or in front of the little girls that seem to levitate
projects that insult of his dirty face
I am that angry and lonely child of always,
that throw you the insult and warns you:
if hypocritically you pat me on the head
I would take that opportunity to steal your wallet
I am that child of always
before the panorama of imminent terror
imminent leprosy, imminent fleas,
of offenses and the imminent crime.
I am that repulsive child that improvises a bed
out of an old cardboard box and waits,
certain that you will accompany me
- Reinaldo Arenas
Before Night Falls
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