Shiva

At times when things are just not going the right way or when you feel that things are beyond your control I find it easier to just do my part and leave the rest onto a higher power. Most times things work out for the best. In my most desperate times I find solace in visiting a secluded place of worship. In India where religion is an important part of most people lives it's hard to find a religious place which is not bustling with human activity. I know two places in my city which are comparatively quiet and peaceful. Today I went to both those places to thank Him for all that I have and pray for the rest to fall in place. This picture is of Shiva and is from one of those temples.

Shiva is the god of the mystics and the sadhus who would renounce everything and go into the Himalayas to meditate and achieve Nirvana. He is the only God form the pantheon in Hinduism who can be historically traced in some form from before Aryans came to the Indian Subcontinent. In the Indus Valley civilization he was found on a seal called the Pashupati seal surrounded by animals. Later he took the form of Rudra and then finally in the Later Vedic age as Shiva the destroyer forming part of the trinity including Brahma the creator and Vishnu the preserver. One of his most famous form is Nataraja i.e. the dancing Shiva performing the Tandav or the dance of the destruction. He is also worshiped in the phallic form called a Lingam. The river Ganga is said to have originated from his hair (hence the religious importance attached to it) and his consorts are the goddess Parvati and Sati. Ganesha is one of his sons.
Shiva is worshiped along with Goddess Kali for attaining Tantric abilities. The Kamasutra is attributed to Nandi (the bull that Shiva rides) after he spied on a marathon lovemaking session between Shiva and his consort Parvati. Rudraksha a berry from which a rosaries are made are said to be the tears of Shiva and are known for their spiritual power.
Of all the temples I have been to the most beautiful temple that I have seen are the various temple in Bali especially the breathtaking Tanah Lot.


















But the temple that I can never get out of my head is the Shiva temple on Harsh hill, Sikar in Rajasthan. It was just the most peaceful place I have been to nestled on the top of a hill with some very basic but beautiful architecture. The temple was crowded with Langurs who roamed about freely without attacking the pilgrims. I reached the temple at dusk and the atmosphere was beyond anything I could say in words. The temple was surrounded by these wind turbines which were a new addition and in a way portrays the paradox affecting India of the present which is leaping into the future trying to keep in touch with the rich culture of the past.

Missing Bali

These are videos I shot on my trip to Bali. Of late I feel like just packing my bags and leaving for Bali but there is so much happening around me that I can't, so have to take solace in watching the videos and remembering the good times. I am in dire need of a vacation!!!

Gil's Wisdom

Of late I have observed that for some reason I have been losing touch with all my good friends (it's not that I have many). I think it's that I don't want to be seen as lonely and needy that I don't bother them and keep waiting for them to call. Whatever the reason may be I thought rather than think about it I do something about it. Last year on my trip to Dharamshala (the seat of Tibetan Government in exile) with some 'friends' I met a very interesting personality. His is Gil and is theater artist and Zen Buddhism teacher from Israel. We met at a cafe and he started talking to one of my friends in Tamil. It was later that he told us that he could also speak fluent Hindi!! During the conversation somehow we got talking and really connected. None of my 'friends' know I am gay and so that didn't figure in the talks. But we talked about all kinda stuff for a little while. Then we had to part cause I had to leave for the night with my 'friends'. We decided to meet the next day (all of us) and once gain we shared some interesting conversation. 

Ever since we have been touch through email and now Gil is back in India though way south and very far from where I live and we have spoken a few times over the phone. Today during one of my lonely moments I decided to call him and once again we got talking about all kind of stuff. Somehow we seem to never run out of things to talk about and I share a great comfort level with him which is very rare for me.

I also told him how he was the first person whom I saw doing the thing in life he really enjoyed and that showed in his aura. He has a presence of tranquility, calmness and happiness on his face which is hard to miss. Single guy in the city in his latest post has mentioned how people in jobs that they don't like age earlier than their counterparts and I think that is true. I told Gil how I wanted to one day be able to own a quaint little cafe with art work by little known artist on display and lots of books and my favourite music. A place to share all the above. But as of now my folks aren't very excited about the idea and I don't have the means to make it happen. 

He replied that the main problem in the world is that our parents want us to be something other than what we may want to be and that they aren't proud of what we may become but they are proud when we have turned into a copy of them or the vision that they imagined for us. He told me to follow my heart and said that 

" Following the path that our heart asks us to may be difficult but choosing the other path will end up being 1000 times more difficult in the end."

I agree with each word he said but I don't know if and when will my dreams come true. It's a long journey but I hope some day I do reach my destination. And that when I do I have the arms of someone I truly love and who truly love me to rest in!!

The pictures on the top are of my favourite cafe at Ubud, Bali which have inspired me to one day own a cafe. The 1st one is the Lotus Cafe at Ubud which is situated around a temple surrounded by a pond with Lotus. In the courtyard of the temple every night live performances of Balineses dance are held. The other is a cafe in Ubud, Bali called ' Coffee and Silver'  and is owned by a Dutch and his Balinese wife. He has on display silver jewellery designed by his ex wife and some great homeware and antiques. The cafe serves the most amazing Chocolate cake (picture attached) for which we had to visit the cafe thrice because everytime that we went they were sold out. But it was worth the trips. It just melts in your mouth.

The ole devil called Love

The devil called Love. When you don't have it you crave for it and when you do it comes with it's baggage of expectation, jealousy and insecurities. You bear with all that because of the high that it gives you to be in Love. It is the most powerful drug ever. Then one day it ends for reasons as diverse as infidelity, commitment phobias or the circumstances that you find yourself stuck in due to your family, work or anything else. But it's not easy to get out of the circle once you are in it. Even if the relationship ends it leaves a trail of painful memories and an imprint on your mind that influences your future relationships and judgments.

Having been sexually abused multiple times as a child (when I was about 6 or 7) I don't recollect the 1^st time when Sex was introduced to me. As far as I can remember I always knew what it was. To begin with it was the pain and humiliation of being used by another person who was older and more powerful than me. Then it was the moments of connection or acceptance from my peers to hide from their ridicule and mental abuse. I think it's due to that reason that when I grew up sex was never a taboo to me. It also led me to believe that the other person's pleasure meant more than mine. Until I was 20 years old I had had numerous partners and I had lost count of the number of times I had sex. But as God would have it we never went the whole way. I had still not experienced sexual intercourse. There had been numerous times I had felt the pain and the abuse of people who did want to go the whole way but thankfully it never happened. Until I was 20 years old I hadn't had sex which ended in an orgasm. All it ended up in was the felling of guilt and the sense of feeling dirty and used.

Then I met someone who instead of wanting sex wanted to have a relationship. The concept was alien to me and when the relationship started to get stronger I got scared and ran away. But by then the tiger had tasted the blood. He was the first person who introduced me to the pleasures of sex with a person with whom you connect at a deeper level. I started to miss the presence of someone whose life revolved around mine.

But that didn't last for long. I met Mr. Big one day and things began to look good. It was with him for the first time that I experienced the devil called LOVE. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on and to him my happiness was the most important thing. After dating for about 2 months we had sex for the first time and it was a whole new experience. To him my pleasure meant more that his and that was a first for me. With every passing day the initial awkwardness began to disappear and we started to have marathon sexual sessions lasting the whole night ending with sleeping cuddled naked in each others arms. It was then that I realized the difference between having sex and making love. I longer wanted to get up and clean myself after the act and nor did he. All we wanted to do was lie next to each other and feel the sweat one our bodies when we embraced. We would feel so comfortable that we would fall asleep and then the next things I would remember would be the kiss on the lips to wake me up. It was divine to see rays of shining sun on is face. There were times when I'd get up in the middle of the night and find him staring at my face. That feeling can never be put into words. But then good things don't last forever. At first I could not appreciate all that he had to give. I cheated on him once but couldn't bear the guilt and confessed. He decided to forgive and forget but never did. I tried as hard as I could to mend things but he had strayed by then. We stuck together for sometime but then it ended when I found him cheating on me. I confronted him about it but he lied and said he was innocent. This continued for a while until I couldn't take it any longer. After 2 years of being in the relationship and 1 and a half years of breaking up and making up I finally said goodbye and moved on.

The problem was that once you have experienced a relationship like that you can't settle for anything that ordinary and routine. For a while I dated another person and that lasted about 8 months but it was a long distance thing and I grew impatient and finally it ended.

And then I met someone online. This someone was from Australia and let's call him Mr Oz. My brain kept telling me that it wasn't a good idea but then there were all the endorphins being produced in my body and giving me a high like no other and it wasn't easy to listen to my brain. We started to have marathon chat sessions and we decided to meet. At first Mr Oz was to come to India but that didn't work out so we decided to meet on neutral grounds at Bali. We met in Bali and stayed together for 14 days. There were good days there were bad days and then there were ugly days. At one point we couldn't stand being in the same room as each other but somehow we managed to stick together for the entire time. He gave me the best holiday of my life and it was because it was the first time I was enjoying a vacation with someone I could share it with (I usually travel alone). And on the final day of parting when we said goodbye tears started to roll down his eyes and it melted my heart. We still live on different continents and are trying to get together. He is older and has a job and is well settled in life so I never asked him to move to India. I am trying to move to Australia but the process is long, tedious and unsure. There is so much that needs into fall in place but I am just not in the mood to give up this time because of the distance factor. Let's see what God has in store.

The poetry of Rumi

Paintings by: Sufi Art Gallery, Kuta, Bali (email: sufi_art01@yahoo.com)

I bought these beautiful paintings from an Art Gallery in Kuta, Bali during my vacation there in February 2007. 

I stumbled upon poetry by Rumi while going through the amazing library at Mr. Big's home. For those who haven't read my earlier post Mr. Big was someone I was in a relationship with (my longest relationship no pun intended). I read a couplet written by Rumi (translated to English from Persian) and the simplicity and deep connotations of the couplet made me a ardent fan of his poetry. The couplet was

"When I die,

lay my corpse to rest,

but do not be at all surprised

if His kiss on my tattered lips

brings me back to life"

The story of Rumi's life cannot be condensed but I'll try to do it for you readers. I may have misunderstood parts of his life but I have formed my opinion about him based on my readings which are not complete. Rumi was the son of a famous religious teacher in Konya, Turkey and inherited his father's Khanaqah (kind of monastery where the disciples called Murid and the teacher called Pir would get together and discuss spirituality).  Rumi was famous and highly respected. One day a  wanderer called Shams of Tabriz came to Konya and met Rumi. Both Rumi and Shams were looking for the other half or the medium under whose influence they would be united with their Beloved i.e. God. In each other they found the medium and became inseparable spending all their time together. Rumi's disciples and his family (wife and son) became jealous Shams and Rumi relationship. One day they forced Shams to leave the city. 

Rumi couldn't bear the separation from Shams and send his son in search of him. Shams was brought back to Rumi but the bliss didn't last for long. One day Shams disappeared (rumoured to have been murdered and disposed off). Rumi kept looking for him until one day it dawned upon him that the one he was looking for was already a part of him.  The couplet he wrote on that occasion was

"Why should I seek? I am the same as

He. His essence speaks through me.

I have been looking for myself!"

That's when he started to write his most famous work Diwan-e Shams-e Tabrizi. It is Rumi's disciples who whirl while in a trance trying to attain unity with God through the medium of music and dance (whirling in this case). Sufis believe music (singing praises of the Beloved i.e. God) is the most potent medium of attaining the union with the beloved called Sama which is like a trance like state. Thus his followers are called Whirling Dervishes. Another form of Sufi music popularised in the Indian subcontinent by the disciples of Nizamuddin Auliya and Amir Khusro is Qawwali. The greatest exponent of qawwali was Ustad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and now is Abida Praveen you could listen to their music here and here or in my playlist in the sidebar of this blog.

There are many more examples of such close relationships between the Sufi priest and their inspirations (in form of their disciples or just mediums). The story of Nizamuddin Auliya and Amir Khusro from the Indian subcontinent is one such relationship.

I may not the most accurate information about Rumi and if you are interested you could start by looking at Wikipedia. A good collection of his poetry is at Khamush. Then there are book by Coleman Barks and Andrew Harvey which have translations of Rumi's poetry.

When I read Rumi's poetry it resonated with the feeling of emptiness and the search for the beloved within me. Though it took me some time to realize that while Rumi's search was for the Beloved who would unite him with God; mine wasn't all that pure and pious. But I do believe that once we meet the right person he or she would lead to our and their spiritual growth and maturity. I hope someday I meet my medium, inspiration, beloved. That is the top most priority in my 'Life list'(things I intend to achieve before I die).  Yarravilepaul asked me to try to explain why the poetry means so much to me. I could try but I wouldn't be able to. It's like listening to a song 100 times and feeling nothing and then one day in a particular situation you listen to a song and it resonates so much with your situation or state of mind that it leaves you shaken. Rumi's poetry about Shams always resonates with my current state of mind. I don't know if I am making any sense anymore so I would leave it here and post another beautiful poem by Rumi. It's is addressed from me to the medium, inspiration the beloved or in plain terms Mr. Right. Hope it resonates with you.

If anyone asks you

how the perfect satisfaction

of all our sexual wanting

will look, lift your face

and say,

Like this.

When someone mentions the gracefulness

of the nightsky, climb up on the roof

and dance and say,

Like this.

If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,

or what "God's fragrance" means,

lean your head toward him or her.

Keep your face there close.

Like this.

When someone quotes the old poetic image

about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,

slowly loosen knot by knot the strings

of your robe.

Like this.

If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead,

don't try to explain the miracle.

Kiss me on the lips.

Like this. Like this.

When someone asks what it means

to "die for love," point

here.

If someone asks how tall I am, frown

and measure with your fingers the space

between the creases on your forehead.

This tall.

The soul sometimes leaves the body, then returns.

When someone doesn't believe that,

walk back into my house.

Like this.

When lovers moan,

they're telling our story.

Like this.

I am a sky where spirits live.

Stare into this deepening blue,

while the breeze says a secret.

Like this.

When someone asks what there is to do,

light the candle in his hand.

Like this.

How did Joseph's scent come to Jacob?

Huuuuu.

How did Jacob's sight return?

Huuuu.

A little wind cleans the eyes.

Like this.

When Shams comes back from Tabriz,

he'll put just his head around the edge

of the door to surprise us

Like this.

From ˜The Essential Rumi€™, Translations 

by Coleman Barks with John Moyne