Changes

It's a strange rule in life that when we stop expecting things to change out of the blue they do. Life has been the same for quite some time now and I had given up on some things to an extent when all of a sudden there are 'changes'. The weird thing is that both the changes took place at about the same time. I would share one of the change with you. Yesterday after months Mr Oz send me a message. I replied to the message and after exchanging a few messages I called him. I had met Mr Oz last December but ever since April our correspondence has been erratic and far in between. It was nice talking to him and remembering the good times. Visiting Bali with him was the high point of this year and I still remember the good times.
We chatted for a long time and caught up on each other's lives. There is so much that has happened on both our ends and it was good to share it with somebody. I don't know if it was talking to Mr Oz or something else but yesterday I slept at 10 in the night. For the last few months I have never slept before before 2:30 so sleeping early was a welcome change. I got up pretty early in the morning and I went online to check out something that I have been waiting for a long time and viola there was a change there too. So this morning I am happier than I have been in some time and 'I am loving it'!!

Photo Credit: Evol1314

Forgetful me

This is one of the gifts in question. It was not meant to be worn as a piece of jewelery but supposed to be like a souvenir he could use in a key chain but when Mr Oz gave it back, just to rub it in I wore it around my neck. I don't normally wear any jewelery but like to collect pieces I like especially in Turquoise. I got quite a few compliments from people in Bali about the workmanship of the piece and I think that upset Mr Oz and I really enjoyed it. Yes, that is my hairy chest!!

I am so very dumb. The last post was to be about patching up and among other things I was supposed to talk about Mr Oz but I completely forgot about it and went on with giving a sermon on relationships!!!Just a recap, Mr Oz is someone I met online around Christmas. We used to chat online for hours and started to like each other a lot, decided to meet and ended up meeting in Bali for 14 days. The romance went off well for the first few days. The conversations were stimulating and the sex was OK as opposed to intimate and passionate. We took baths together, scrubbed each others backs, made out in the pool, walked on the beach, even climbed a volcano!!! On Valentine's Day I gave him a few gifts which upset him. He didn't give me the exact reason for it bit gave some confusing statements like he only like thoughtful gifts and they were in contrast to his culture and believes!!
The gifts in question were a pair of silver and Turquoise cuff links and a engraved piece of Turquoise depicting the Goddess Tara. They were supposed to remind him of me for at times when we weren't together. Turquoise is my favourite stone and Buddhism and spirituality are things I hold close to my heart. But to him they were just unthoughtful and maybe even Pagan. I also read to him a page from my diary about my thoughts when I had spoken to him for the first time (we had talked about it during our chat sessions and he said someday he'd want to know about it and that's the reason I read it to him) and there was also a shirt that I picked up for him from my favourite store in India. He returned all the gifts at first but later accepted the shirt.
That was not all. He also lost his temper a few times when we'd not be able to make up our mind on the place to eat or visit. He said it made us look like the quintessential gay couple who can never make up their minds!?! I gave him the option to part ways but he said he wanted us to stay together for the entire vacation. One time he deliberately flirted with our tour driver completely ignoring me and later confessing that he knew it hurt me!! Another time he was to see one of his local friends and asked me to come along. I said that I'd be comfortable staying back while he met his friends as I didn't want to intrude but he felt otherwise. His friend was really fascinated with India movies and history so we got talking and this upset Mr Oz and he once again threw a tantrum once we were back at the hotel as he felt I took away the little time that he had to spend with his friend. But by the end of the trip things went back to normal and we parted with tears in our eyes and quite a few sweet memories.
Once we reached home there was the sadness of coming back to normal life and the absence of the other. We both felt very depressed but did keep in touch. I rarely got messages from him and the replies to the ones I send were usually very formal and impersonal. I called him a few times so that he knows that I am still there for him. He felt better after about a few weeks of anti depression medication and we chatted a few times. He shifted to a new house and didn't have access to internet so we haven't chatted since then. I decided to give him his space and always replied to his messages which came once every fortnight or so. When my application to Univ of Melbourne got rejected I told him about it and ever since the messages are even further apart.
I got a message from him today saying "Just thinking of u my dear friend and letting you know ur loved. I have bought a new house. Going to Adelaide to visit parents this weekend. Take care. Miss u xx"
Now I don't know what to think about this message. I have a very bad track record of trying to be friends with my ex and I'd like to change it. So in case you are reading this Paul lets forgive and forget and try to start things on a new page with no expectations and no compulsions. This is me trying to be friends with someone I have a failed relationship with, a first for me. I hope you understand me for once.

I understand

Today was an interesting day. It's been almost a week since I have been running around to get some work done. I still haven't got far but there was nothing I could do today other than wait. At that time I began to question if my running around was worth it or should I just give up. I am not very good at sticking to my plans and its surprising that I am still blogging after 2 months of my first post. I decided that I am going to give the task one last shot and hope for the best.
I also got a call from a guy who hosts one of my favorite radio show about new age music and spirituality. He got my email through my blog (which was very surprising for me) and said he was doing a show on Rumi and wanted me to talk to him about it. I am a very shy person so I tried my best to avoid it but when I felt he was sincere about it I gave in. It was an interesting conversation for me as he was a great listener. After I finished talking to him I felt much better than I have felt in sometime now.
I had received a SMS from Mr Oz a few days ago but I was really down that day so just sent him a reply but didn't continue the exchange. Today I felt a strong urge to speak to him so I called but he was in Japan and didn't recognize my voice so I disconnected. I sent him a SMS later to which he replied and we decided to talk on the weekend when he'd be back home.
I remember that on my return flight from Bali I was a sad but was trying to keep my emotions locked in. I was listening to some music on my Ipod and the song 'Home' by Michael Buble started to play. Mr Oz and I had heard the song a few times in Bali so the moment I heard the song tears started rolling down my eyes. There was an elderly couple sitting on the seat in front of me and the lady caught a glimpse of me crying. In her eyes I saw a emotion that said 'I understand'.

Video credits: Christandcoffee

The games of love

I read a post on NSSG's blog about the chase. I started to think about it and why is it that we feel a need to play games. Nice guys are hard to come by and when they do why aren't we straight forward and honest about it then to play games wherein we leave when we'd want to stay, sit and think about the guy and not call cause you would not want to seem desperate, hang up when you'd want to talk a little more and be mysterious just to seem interesting.
Hmm.. who was the one to start this games and why did he. Was it that he was hurt in love and didn't want to suffer once again that he build the walls around him or just some test that he wanted the other to pass to be able to be with him. And if that was the case did he think he was worthy enough of putting someone else through those test?
I believe only a very strong and confident person would be able to put his heart out in the open for the other person to read it and when he does that does he cross the line between confidence and desperation. Where is the line and how do you measure it. I am sure every person has his own measure of that line.
From my experience I know that Mr Big wanted all the attention and loved to be showered with thoughtful gifts. For him the amount of time we spent and little acts of thoughtfulness were the measure of love. That was the lesson I learned from my first relationship and I thought that was my measure of love too. But then Mr Oz hated gifts!! Our time in Bali was great until I gifted him some stuff on Valentine's that I bought for him. He said no one in his family exchanged gifts on Christmas and that he only appreciated thoughtful gifts and there was a reason behind it. Now how did he measure my thoughtfulness or unthoughtfulness (is that even a word) behind the gifts. I spent so many hours looking for just the perfect gifts for him and he was dismissive and angry to put it politely.
That is when I questioned what my idea of love was or was I still under the layer of conditioning about love from my last relationship. I found out I was, and that I needed to discover my idea of love but that meant preparing a new set of tests that I would want my future love interests to pass before I let my guard down!! So the rest of the time I was in Bali I had to play the games that people play in love and it drained me.
I am single as of now and so don't need to play the games but whenever I do meet someone in the future I hope there in less games and more honesty and intimacy in the relationship. I hope that the time we would be wasting in playing the games would be put to good use being in each others company and enjoying the blessing of love.

Photo Credits: Loopeh, DathFar

Signs

Do u believe in 'signs'? I do!!

By 'signs' I don't mean the encoded messages that people use in a relationship to get their point across without having to say it, by signs I mean the invisible billboards that point towards the direction you should be following in life, love or otherwise. As far as I can remember I have been a sucker for signs. I have tried to follow my intuition interpreting random occurrences as 'signs' and still do. I have got into trouble as a result of that. Relationships that seemed like divine plans with all the right signs fell apart bit by bit but still I haven't been able to let go of my sign addiction. But I still believe that God tries to put subtle messages all around us pointing to the path and if we keep our 'eyes' open we see them loud and clear. 

Like when I met Mr Oz I saw all the right signs which would point towards him and that's how the idea of the relationship started. Bali had been like a constant thought at the back of my mind and I didn't know why as I had never seen or read anything about it. I saw Mr Oz's profile on a website and he had mentioned Bali in one of his messages there. Then somehow we got talking and one thing let to another. We decided to meet and he was to come to India but that didn't work out because he couldn't let go of his passport for the Visa thing because he needed it all the time being a Flight Attendant. Finally we decided to meet up at Bali which was the ideal place for both of us. Now was that a sign of just as it is said in the book 'Secrets' that we attract our future based on our thoughts. (I haven't read the book but that's what I seemed to have gathered from the previews about it). There are so many instances I could talk about like the most recent ones based on which I have decided to try moving to Australia to study, which may or may not happen but atleast I would know that I followed the sign. 

On the other hand the 'signs' that people in relationship use is a completely different story. I have never been good at those kinda signs. I did get some lessons in signs during my relationship with Mr Big who was a 'player' and loved the game of signs but ever since then signs have been a big turn off for me. Maybe it's because I am such a lousy player at the game. I rather say it loud or just keep quiet then play the signs game. I ignored all the sings of the relationship falling apart and payed for my denial and it is because of that I have started to read too much into the actions and words of my partners ever since. As a result I have tried to build a impenetrable wall around me emotionally which is hard to break and causes my relationships to suffer.

On the trip to Bali Mr Oz and I had our first 'fight' about something really stupid. We decided to forgive and forget but he went ahead and totally ignored me the next day showing more interest in the driver and the tour guides who were his friends. Later he confessed that he did that out of anger and that broke something inside me. I had told him the day before that as things weren't working out we should not be sharing the same hotel room and I decided to move out but he didn't agree to it and got all emotional and the next he went ahead and fucked it all up. We did stay together for the entire 14 days period but that is the only bad memory that I carry from my most enjoyable holiday ever. The rest I have decided to forget and forgive.

I am still looking for 'signs'!!!!

Photo Credits: Enjeru

Confessions

What is your reaction when a relationship you think would last you a lifetime falls apart? I am sure you are angry at yourself and also at the person who shattered your dreams but then when does the anger give way to forgiveness and 'moving on'. I remember a quote from 'Sex and the City' (the TV show) where Charlotte says that it takes you atleast half the time you were in a relationship to move on or get the person out of your system. That was a scary thought when I heard it because my relationship had lasted 3 years and that meant atleast a year and a half of tears, pain and memories. And then when you are going through all these emotions you find out that your ex is going strong with someone else and they are enjoying all the things that you could in case you hadn't broken up. It's like nurturing a plant from a sapling and when the fruit is ready someone just comes along and plucks it before you.

At first I was really angry at the person whom my ex was dating but then with time I realised that I couldn't blame him. He didn't know of the extent of my love for my ex. He was seduced the way I was and he had no role to play in it. On the contrary he got me out in time.

The ex I am talking about is Mr Big. I had met Mr Big through someone I was dating before him. I broke up with the guy after a while but kept in touch with Mr Big who was in a relationship at that time. We met a few times over a period of 2 years but just as acquaintances. I knew that Mr Big was married with 2 children but was having a gay relationship with another man. I didn't judge him for that because he always came across as a very loving and doting father. Over time I came to know that he had broken up with his boyfriend. We started meeting often after that and I don't know how and when but we decided to get together. I wasn't thinking about a relationship but with time that is the way it turned out to be. I got closer to his family and became very good friends with his wife and got along like crazy with his kids. It was like a step mother kinda thing but not the evil one. We got acceptance from everyone and I tried my best to see to it that his family didn't suffer on my account. I think that is what got his wife and me closer to each other to a point where we could talk at hours about Mr Big - his mood swings and erratic behaviour. When I found out that Mr Big was cheating on me his wife 'O' was my biggest strength because she understood what I was going through. With time I broke up with Mr Big but to date I am friends with 'O'. We talk every day and she is the closest friend that I have.

I know this may sound all strange and complicated and a lot of you would be judging me at this moment but then I have nothing to say to defend myself. I am not proud of what I did but the truth of the matter is that I did it and I cannot change what happened. I told about this to Mr Oz and he didn't take it well but after a few days he was OK.

It's been long since I and Mr Big separated but I still haven't forgiven him and I don't think we could ever be 'friends' or anything else. That has always been the case with me. I have never been able to be 'friends' with my ex and maybe that has got something to do with me!!? Maybe I am not good at breaking up??

The perils of relationships

I have observed that of late I have become quite cynical about relationships and matters of the heart. I read these random blogs about people with relationship dilemmas and I always tend to be overtly negative with my comments. I agree that I have been hurt in a relationship but then who hasn't? The most memorable moments of my life have been those that I have shared with someone I love or loved. I think it's just that because of the distance factor which keeps me away from Mr Oz that I am perpetually worked up. Long distance relationships do demand a lot with little or no intimacy. Being in a relationship is about doing the little things in life together. The long drives with your favorite song playing, quiet dinners, shopping expeditions, going to the cinemas or just being in the company of the other person. I miss that all and have seem to forgotten how nice it feels. I think that most probably that is the reason for me acting up all the time.

Or could it be the lack of physical intimacy? No matter what I say and all the poetry I quote here in the blog I believe that a good relationship should also has to have good sex or to be greedy, mind blowing sex. I have had enough bad sex in my life to appreciate the way the act of making love just flows when you are comfortable with the other person. I have to feel safe to enjoy sex and give in my 100% to it. Otherwise it just plain boring more like a chore. The first time I made love with someone I realized how as opposed to 'sex' I didn't fell all dirty and guilty after the act. But of late sex has been eluding me. I have unknowingly got into long distance relationships twice in a row. So there is a lot of waiting in between the action and then I start to wonder if the relationship is even worth it all. There are these temptations all around and though I have been successful this time to keep me away from them but there are some moments of weakness which I have overcome them.
So this is to all those people on whose blogs I have left nasty messages about how relationships suck - I am sorry. I wish you all the best with your love life and hope that you get plenty of action under the sheets. Hope there is plenty of love making on your end. And please do pray that I do get some action too before my parts start to rust....!!!

Infidelity

Yesterday night I saw the movie 'Separate Lies'. And then today I read a post on the blog Single in the city about infidelity. I thought about it for a while and the questions that came to my mind were that when we have gone through all the pain of having to wait to meet someone we could spend our life (or just the present) with why do we give into temptations. Is the relationship we are in to be blamed?

I have cheated twice while in a 'relationship'. The first time was when I had just started my first relationship. I was still not in tune with the idea of a single partner. I had just met Mr. Big and we used to meet in cafes or go out shopping or for long drives and stuff. He was usually out of town and we still hadn't 'slept' together. During one of those days a friend with whom I had had 'fooled around' earlier came home for the night. It happened! I tried to control myself but gave in. I felt guilty after that and used to have these nightmares every night while I slept. When I couldn't take it anymore I confessed to Mr Big. At first he was angry then emotional but finally he decided to forgive me. But he never did. We stayed together for another 2 and a half years and everytime we fought he brought up the same incident. He could never trust me after that. I tried my best to make amends and suffered his indifference towards me and his interest in other guys during that time but could never confront him because of the guilt of having cheated on him. I caught him cheating on me and when I confronted him he refused to accept it and reminded me of my 'deed'. This went on for a while until I could take it no more. I asked him to choose between me and the other person and he never did.

I decided to part ways with him. He kept coming back to me and I took him back everytime thinking that if he could forgive me so should I. What I didn't realise is that he never forgave me and that he never confessed to have done any wrong. This continued for many painful heart wrenching months. One day while watching Sex and the city (my favourite TV show of that time) I saw two of the characters in the same situation. Seeing it from a third person's perspective I realised what I needed to do and broke up (once again).

But that was not the end of it. He came back one last time and this time he ruined my birthday (2 years in a row). We finally broke up for good two weeks after my birthday. I have met him since but never got together and I don't intend to ever in the future.

After Mr Big I dated an India guy who lived in US. He came to India we met and liked each other. The long distance thing didn't work for me but somehow we continued for about 8 months. I was supposed to visit him in the States but that couldn't come through and instead I went on a trip to Singapore and Hong Kong to deal with the disappointment of the trip to US not coming through. On my flight to Hong Kong I met a Chinese guy who was given the seat next to me because the American who had to sit there didn't want to sit close to the pantry (talk about destiny)! We got talking and I don't know why I gave him my hotel information. I wasn't interested in sleeping with him (he wasn't my type). I thought he was a nice guy who could show me around. But his intentions weren't pure (i don't blame him maybe I send him confused signals unintentionally) and my resolve not that strong. He came to the hotel tried some hanky panky some things happened and once again I faltered. I felt miserable after the incident and couldn't enjoy the rest of my vacation.

When I came back home I couldn't live with the guilt and didn't want to hurt the US guy by telling him about it so decided to call the relationship off. The guy thought it was because of the distance and decided to come to India. I tried to change his mind but he came. We met and things seemed better and then he made a move (that was the first time we had been physically intimate since the relationship started). The sex was BAD. We talked about it for a while and finally broke up. It was about 5 months later when he once again came to India that I told him about the Hong Kong incident. He said it didn't bother him but it bothered me. I think I set standards for myself which are too high for me and then fail them feeling miserable later. Maybe I shouldn't think about long term monogamous relationships. Maybe it true 'Once a cheater always a cheater'!!

I despise infidelity and then I go ahead and do the thing that I hate the most. Is it because deep down I believe that that's the way a same sex relationship is meant to be? Has it got something to do with me being sexually abused as a child or am I just making excuses to hide behind? What I have observed is that most of the times I loose the sense of respect I have for my partner once we have had sex. It all so strange and complicated and that is what scares me when I think about getting involved in a relationship. It is one of the things that has kept haunting me since I have decided to try this long distance thing with Mr Oz. He is a very nice guy and I don't want to hurt him. I hope I don't!!

The greatest irony

The most ironic thing that I have ever witnessed is that the people we 'love' the most have the capability and the tendency to hurt us the most whereas complete strangers may say or do things that make us smile from the core of our being. Let me give you some examples to make sense of what I mean.

Just a few months before I broke up with Mr. Big it was his birthday. Things weren't very smooth between us and I had a feeling that he might be cheating on me. But I stuck with him out of the guilt of having had cheated on him in the past (later confessed) and partly because I was afraid of being single again. I wanted to make his birthday special so decided to look for the perfect gift for him. He is quiet a collector of things like pens, watches, book etc. It was only later I realized that relationships too were a collection for him, once he had a someone for himself he needed to move to the next. His partners were like trophies that he could flaunt for a while and then he wanted another one.

He also had a collection of autographed pictures of some famous people and I thought of adding to his collection. He is a great fan of Oprah Winfrey and his one of his favourite author is Iyanla Vanzant. I looked online and somehow found the email of both of them and wrote to them telling them my situation and requesting for an autographed picture. I thought Oprah is always giving away stuff on her show and maybe she would send me a picture and even if she didn't cause my mail got lost in the millions other atleast I would know that I tried. I waited for a few days and got no response and then I got a response from Iyanla saying that she was away on tour but would send me something as soon as she reached back home. She kept her promise and did send me the an autographed book. When I got the book I couldn't contain my joy and went to Mr. Big's house and gave him the gift. The very next day when I went to see him I found him locked in a room of his house with the guy I suspected him of having and affair with. When I confronted him he lied right on my face. I remember I had flowers in my hand that I had brought for him.

At that moment I felt so very ashamed and hurt that I couldn't move or talk. All I wanted to do was run away to some far off place curl up and die. It felt as if he had taken out my heart from my chest thrown it on the floor stamped on it an moved on. I didn't want to live to see the next day. Somehow I pulled myself out of the rut and now when I look back on the whole episode I am thankful to God. I am thankful that the incident happened after just 3 years of our relationship and not 13 or 30.

After the incident I decided to do all the things I had missed on when I was in a relationship. I always wanted to travel but Mr Big didn't want to so I decided to travel to all the places I wanted to. I didn't want to wait for someone to come along with whom I could share my travels so I decided to travel alone and make a note of all the special places I visited so that one day I could revisit them with Mr Right.

During one of my travels I was alone on New Years Eve I was attending a New Years dinner at a hotel alone. I was the only one who was seated on a table all alone and everyone else was with family or friends. Exactly at midnight I was waiting to hear from family and friends to wish me because the 1st of January is my birthday. The network was congested and I couldn't receive any calls and then I saw a old French gentleman sitting on the table across mine walk up to me and wish me. He said that he hoped next year I was 'double' what he meant was that I wouldn't be alone. The feelings that I went through after hearings his words cannot be explained. I was happy from the core of my heart. I went upto him to thank him but he said he didn't understand much English and that I could tell the same to his daughter when she came back to the table from the dance floor. I later went to her daughter and asked her to thank her father on my behalf.

In the same manner in response to one of my post Not so single guy said that he'd be may be able to help me move to Australia. The thought made me feel happy beyond what I could ever put to words. It's not the idea of coming to Australia that excited me but the selfless thought of a complete stranger to help me when he has nothing to gain from doing so. I think it's when you have been in love and have experienced the pain of separation and the ecstasy of meeting with the beloved after a long separation that you can understand another person's pain of being away from their love. Mike and Yarravillepaul too left there heartfelt wishes and I do appreciate it all. I don't know whether I would be able to be with Mr Oz in the future but I am hopeful now. I believe that when you think of something you would like to achieve somewhere in the universe with the blessings of god that things begins to take shape. And now I have some of my blog friends praying for me I am sure my wishes will come to life. How the wish will take shape and if it will be worth it all, only time will tell!!

To end the post I am adding some great videos of Iyanla Vanzant.

This is another great video of Iyanla Vanzant- Looking for salvation. Her autobiography 'Yesterday I cried' is also a great read.

Video credits - The Omega Institute, Humbertorosero

The ole devil called Love

The devil called Love. When you don't have it you crave for it and when you do it comes with it's baggage of expectation, jealousy and insecurities. You bear with all that because of the high that it gives you to be in Love. It is the most powerful drug ever. Then one day it ends for reasons as diverse as infidelity, commitment phobias or the circumstances that you find yourself stuck in due to your family, work or anything else. But it's not easy to get out of the circle once you are in it. Even if the relationship ends it leaves a trail of painful memories and an imprint on your mind that influences your future relationships and judgments.

Having been sexually abused multiple times as a child (when I was about 6 or 7) I don't recollect the 1^st time when Sex was introduced to me. As far as I can remember I always knew what it was. To begin with it was the pain and humiliation of being used by another person who was older and more powerful than me. Then it was the moments of connection or acceptance from my peers to hide from their ridicule and mental abuse. I think it's due to that reason that when I grew up sex was never a taboo to me. It also led me to believe that the other person's pleasure meant more than mine. Until I was 20 years old I had had numerous partners and I had lost count of the number of times I had sex. But as God would have it we never went the whole way. I had still not experienced sexual intercourse. There had been numerous times I had felt the pain and the abuse of people who did want to go the whole way but thankfully it never happened. Until I was 20 years old I hadn't had sex which ended in an orgasm. All it ended up in was the felling of guilt and the sense of feeling dirty and used.

Then I met someone who instead of wanting sex wanted to have a relationship. The concept was alien to me and when the relationship started to get stronger I got scared and ran away. But by then the tiger had tasted the blood. He was the first person who introduced me to the pleasures of sex with a person with whom you connect at a deeper level. I started to miss the presence of someone whose life revolved around mine.

But that didn't last for long. I met Mr. Big one day and things began to look good. It was with him for the first time that I experienced the devil called LOVE. He seemed to worship the ground I walked on and to him my happiness was the most important thing. After dating for about 2 months we had sex for the first time and it was a whole new experience. To him my pleasure meant more that his and that was a first for me. With every passing day the initial awkwardness began to disappear and we started to have marathon sexual sessions lasting the whole night ending with sleeping cuddled naked in each others arms. It was then that I realized the difference between having sex and making love. I longer wanted to get up and clean myself after the act and nor did he. All we wanted to do was lie next to each other and feel the sweat one our bodies when we embraced. We would feel so comfortable that we would fall asleep and then the next things I would remember would be the kiss on the lips to wake me up. It was divine to see rays of shining sun on is face. There were times when I'd get up in the middle of the night and find him staring at my face. That feeling can never be put into words. But then good things don't last forever. At first I could not appreciate all that he had to give. I cheated on him once but couldn't bear the guilt and confessed. He decided to forgive and forget but never did. I tried as hard as I could to mend things but he had strayed by then. We stuck together for sometime but then it ended when I found him cheating on me. I confronted him about it but he lied and said he was innocent. This continued for a while until I couldn't take it any longer. After 2 years of being in the relationship and 1 and a half years of breaking up and making up I finally said goodbye and moved on.

The problem was that once you have experienced a relationship like that you can't settle for anything that ordinary and routine. For a while I dated another person and that lasted about 8 months but it was a long distance thing and I grew impatient and finally it ended.

And then I met someone online. This someone was from Australia and let's call him Mr Oz. My brain kept telling me that it wasn't a good idea but then there were all the endorphins being produced in my body and giving me a high like no other and it wasn't easy to listen to my brain. We started to have marathon chat sessions and we decided to meet. At first Mr Oz was to come to India but that didn't work out so we decided to meet on neutral grounds at Bali. We met in Bali and stayed together for 14 days. There were good days there were bad days and then there were ugly days. At one point we couldn't stand being in the same room as each other but somehow we managed to stick together for the entire time. He gave me the best holiday of my life and it was because it was the first time I was enjoying a vacation with someone I could share it with (I usually travel alone). And on the final day of parting when we said goodbye tears started to roll down his eyes and it melted my heart. We still live on different continents and are trying to get together. He is older and has a job and is well settled in life so I never asked him to move to India. I am trying to move to Australia but the process is long, tedious and unsure. There is so much that needs into fall in place but I am just not in the mood to give up this time because of the distance factor. Let's see what God has in store.